One Star Review: Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone

There are 113 one star reviews of this new classic so I had some high expectations of crazy for this review. In fact, I was worried that it would be all Christians who thought the whole series was pagan and Satanic and book-burning-worthy. And maybe amid the reviews, that sentiment exists. At first glance, though, people seem to love the book and hate having to download the Kindle version from a special "Pottermore" site that causes them difficulty. They are emphatic that their one-star is NOT directed to the book. At least one person hates the *audiobook*. Then there are readers who give it one star but declare it "five star". How could these people be literate enough to read the book? Not sure.

Here's some other non-literate reviews that I think you will enjoy.

I borrowed this book because I hoped that it would be better than the film. It wasn't. I was particularly disturbed by the discription of the treatment Harry received from his aunt and uncle. It did not make sense. If they had wanted to keep him from the wizard's way, they would treated him well. I also was disturbed by the portrayal of non-wizards as Muggles, hinting that they were somehow less than human.

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What's wrong with you people? Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, J.R.R. Tolkien and hundreds of dead REAL authors would be rolling in their graves if they knew a "work" this horrid would be even considered for publishing. Let alone actually published and purchased with money! Harry Potter should be at the bottom of a paper shreader bin not on peoples shelves.

The book is amateaurish dribble. Full of flat, boring, and demensional characters as well pointless details, political correctness, and an unoriginal premise.

In short overrated Junk.

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BUT WAIT, what have we here?

Books authored by C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien are far better, and have a level of excellence that J.K. Rowling cannot get to. We see a different kind of magic in Rowling's works. Indeed, see where she has led us with her latest novels in the series. Don't be afraid to swim against the tide. Go ahead and refuse to read what is popular.

If you are a praying person and your prayers seem lifeless and powerless, take a close look at what you read and watch. Ephesians 5:15 "Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise."

Satan's plan has always been to reel us in with fun and thrills, and so he has done it again with Harry Potter. But he is clever. His final plan is not to bless us. And so the series deteriorates to a lower level with each new book. A word to the wise: Revelation 22:12-17.

And for all those who read this review may the blessing, love and power of Jesus fall upon you and fill your life. You are loved by Christ.

One-Star Reviews: Curious George

You think you know where this One-Star round-up is going, don't you? Kidnapping a monkey in Africa and then letting it smoke a pipe and wear men's lounge pajamas. Horrible stuff. Then the poor beast is manhandled by brutish firemen. For shame. Sure, that One-Star is out there. In fact, here it is:

1.0 out of 5 stars Sends the wrong message to children, April 28, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: The Complete Adventures of Curious George (Hardcover)

Curious George gets kidnapped from his natural habitat in an African jungle by a "nice" man who throws a sack over him, bundles him onto a ship and takes him to America where he puts him in a "nice" zoo.

Is this the kind of "niceness" we want our children to learn?

But there's more than one way to hate on George, believe it or not. Maybe you don't think it's a very accurate description of puzzle-piece surgery, or you don't like that George hallucinates. Someone agrees with you.

1.0 out of 5 stars The worst Curious Book yet, May 29, 2010

By 

DHH "DH" (Bloomfield Hills, MI United States) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: The Complete Adventures of Curious George, Anniversary Edition (Hardcover)

Unlike all the other Curious George compilations this book has a bunch of strange stories in it. The strangest is the one written in conjusction with the Boston Children's Hospital where George swallows a puzzle piece. He then gets admitted to the hospital, drinks barium and then gets operated on. As a physician this was far too detailed for Curious George story.

Another story in the book has George smelling a bottle of ether and then having stange dreams and passing out.

My daughter likes the hospital story as I make up all my own words but this book will hit the trash can one day soon. Buy any other compilation of George stories just not this one - it's like the writers were drinking on duty when this book got put together.

Or maybe you can't really be that specific, and its just the color scheme that drives your family insane.

1.0 out of 5 stars This piece of literature was very disapointing., April 20, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: The Complete Adventures of Curious George (Hardcover)

This book is too scary for my whole family. My child is now traumatized and needs mental help. My wife thought the water colors were very cold and made her depressed. Customers should think before buying a book like this.

So many things wrong with George, aren't there?

One-Star Reviews: Episode 2

The other day, I shared with you an Amazon review of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs written by someone who fears that it will spread "carnism", as if meat-eating needed PR of this type. It got me wondering, what else are nutjobs saying about our favorite books.  Therefore, I happily bring you episode 2a of One-Star Review: Ferdinand the Bull.

Who on earth could hate Ferdinand, that lovable bull who just loves smelling the flowers, until he selected to be a toro in the bullfight? Not even the matadors can anger Ferdinand, who loves the flowers thrown to him by beautiful women. It turns out that there are exactly two people on earth who hate Ferdinand, and they don't even have common ground in their disgust for this lovely, peaceable book.

1.0 out of 5 stars Shocking and inappropriate for young children, February 4, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: The Story of Ferdinand (Hardcover)

Upon reading this book, I found it to be very shocking and inappropriate for young children. My students thought it to be a "bad story." They "did not like it because the men wanted to hurt Ferdinand. They wanted to keep sticking him with spears and a sword." My students asked me to stop reading the story because they felt very sad.

1.0 out of 5 stars Not Recommended for Boys, November 29, 2010

By 

justmenc - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: The Story of Ferdinand (Reading Railroad Books) (Mass Market Paperback)

I bought this for my 4 year old son because my husband said it was his favorite book growing up. Well, this book was only one of his many problems from childhood. First of all, it speaks of the violence brought on a bull in a bull-fight (not appropriate for young kids in my opinion). The worst part, however, is the ineptitude of Ferdinand. He is a big, strong bull not at all interested in being what he is. He is lazy and just wants to look at flowers. He is a waste. I cannot fathom how anyone finds the story endearing...

Team Brandon

I'm pretty sure you were worried about this, so it's important to let you know that you CAN field an entire major-league baseball team comprised of men whose first name is Brandon. I did the work for you; here's your roster:
C - Brandon Inge/Brandon Bantz

1B - Brandon Moss/Brandon Belt

2B - Brandon Phillips

3B - Brandon Wood

SS - Brandon Hicks/Brandon Crawford

CF - Brandon Barnes

RF - Brandon Belt

LF - Brandon Snyder

P - Brandon McCarthy, Brandon Lyon, Brandon League, Brandon Beachy, Brandon Maurer
I acknowledge that it's not a 10-man bullpen but cut me some slack here.

You're welcome.

Vegan Zombie Attacks

How awesome is this review? 

When I posted this on Twitter, a friend sent this tweet:

Needed empty capsules to put meds in for a sick cat once - called @Rainbow_Grocery and they asked if my cat was vegan.

To which I say, do not, I repeat, do NOT let your cat read Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

Just. wow.

This week's Berkeley Parents Network newsletters were so insane, so target-rich, I didn't know where to start. David very helpfully leads the way by citing this one in the comments to an earlier post.

Husband want to take MY child on trip
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My husband and I got married when my son was 10 months old, and he did not adopt him. My son is
now 14 years old, and my husband wants to take him cross country to visit his daughter. My son
wants to go, but, for various reasons - one being that my husband has anger management issues - I
do not want him to go. My husband is insisting and says that he'll take him despite what I say.
If he does, can I have him arrested for kidnapping?
Worried in Bay Area

The only thing that makes this nonsense okay is that, as of this morning, people who WANT to be married, CAN be married.  This lady is unaffected by today's Supreme Court ruling. Congratulations to the rest of us!

Where Do Baby Names Come From?

My friend Jenny has a new post up about trying to choose a baby name. Naming your kid is a big deal, because this person has to live with this name for their whole life (probably) but you want it to communicate something about what you intend for them, which is why many of us avoid stripper names. Whatever those are. I'm sure there's at least woman professionally stripping who goes by the name Andrea, which makes my name definitionally a stripper name, but you get my meaning.

So finding a name is tortured. And it should be. So you can have long meaningful conversations with the other parent and all your friends about what the name "means". But I think, in the end, the most successful names are almost random. And not forced random. Here's an example. Naming our first kid was an ordeal, right up until it wasn't. The father of my children wanted to name our son Buckaroo, after Buckaroo Banzai. He thought Roo would be a cute nickname (it is, Jenny) and that Buck would be a strong adult man's name. I agreed, with the caveat that he would have to explain the name to the judge for whom he was clerking. The idea of naming our son Buckaroo quickly passed. It was too forced, too "random".

The back-up plan: I had off-handedly said, in April 2003, that if the Red Sox won the World Series, we could name our son after the Red Sox player of his choice. It seemed like a harmless gibe at the time. The Red Sox had not won a World Series in 85 years. But as my due date (October 27) approached, and the Red Sox hung tough, I found myself arguing about the virtues of baby Nomar versus baby Johnny. Little Wakefield? Jason? Manny Dooley? Thankfully, I never had to eat that crow, and when Johnny moved on to the Yankees, the error of naming a child after a baseball player became clear. Again, too not-random.

Once my due date passed, my husband's panic (about everything, but channeled into the baby name) rose. On November 1, after a Halloween party I will not soon forgot, he said, "how about Liam, after my buddy Liam T--?" I said, "sure, sounds good with our last name." And that was that. It was sort-of random, and it works. Another learning about that name: in Alabama, it was so weird and different, people couldn't pronounce it. In the Bay Area, you cannot throw a dream catcher without hitting a Liam.

For number 2, I literally ran a search in a baby name generator website. One or two syllables, Celtic. I got about 8 names. Emailed the ones I like to my husband. No response. I casually mentioned which one I liked best at dinner. No response. We go look at a house to buy. The house is great, but it is across from an Indian restaurant. I think the odor is too strong. He and the realtor think I have super-smell sense because of the pregnancy. After we look at the place a second time, husband says, "If you will agree to put a bid on that house, I will agree to name the baby Quinn." I say, "okay, I can go for that. I like Indian food." The next morning, he wakes up and says, "I just realized, I don't want that house, but I do like the name Quinn." BOOM. Done. Practically random.

Where do baby names come from? I think they come from the place you least expect them to. Good luck, Jenny, and all the other pregnant moms I know!

A Really Good Turn of Events for the Athletics of Oakland

I can't believe it's taken this long.

From the Chronicle yesterday (h/t to BD)

Norris is the latest A’s player to sport an unusual hair style. He asked Coco Crisp what he should do with his hair, and Crisp suggested a mullet. So that’s what Norris asked for “business in the front, party in the back” in Danville yesterday – a first for the hair stylist, but she told him she’d learned every style in school even if she’d never actually met anyone who’d wanted a mullet before.


“It’s a work in progress, but it’s definitely going in the right direction,’ Crisp said, noting that the back isn’t really to the ideal length yet. “It takes (guts) to change your hairstyle, so I dig it.”

“I think I look good, pretty darn good,” Norris said. “It’ll get there, give it time. I’m a catcher, I’m not supposed to be pretty.”

Closer Grant Balfour, standing nearby, said loudly, “It’s beautiful. I’m a fan.”

Oh, and . . .

For the friend I have who refuses to join Facebook but is not so much of a Luddite that he doesn't read my blog:

Home Economics Post

If Home Ec was taught in my high school, I definitely gave it a pass. If I knew what retrograde meant, or even suspected, I surely would have used that word. And what would nuns have been able to teach about home economics? I can't answer that, but I do wish now I had learned a bit more of the womanly arts. So does everyone else, which is why, when I am finally free to quit my job, one of my many business ventures will be to open a Home Ec themed set of stores/learning centers. But I digress from what I really intended to post.

A friend, who occasionally reads this blog, has signed up for a sewing class. I share her utter terror at this experience and can't wait to live vicariously through her blog posts. Until she updates us, I thought I would share with all of you the basic instructions on how to make a skirt. I have not made this skirt but a friend has made several of them (since she lives in a country where they do not seem to sell women's clothing in a size 8) and I can tell you, they look great, especially for having been made by another home ec avoider.

Now on to our cooking project. This one is super-easy. It's the basic skirt of food, actually. Pasta with sausage. Mark Bittman recipe from basically every cookbook he's ever written. Boil water. Crumble 1/2 lb of italian sausage in a melted Tb of butter on med-high heat. Add 1/2 c. water to simmer. Cook pasta (like the whole box). Reserve 1/2 c of pasta water. Drain pasta. Mix sausage and pasta. Add water back in if you need to (you won't). Add 1/4 c of parmesan cheese. Also really good if you add broccolini but not completely necessary. Every non-vegetarian in the house will eat this, I promise.

Why am I telling you this? People (like, one person) is always asking me what I feed my kids, and that recipe there is on the menu probably twice a month. So now she knows.

This is all practice for my Home Ec empire.

Maxwell's Memories

News is out and all over my Facebook timeline that Maxwell's of Hoboken is closing. Maxwell's is a music club in Hoboken which had the most amazing shows, including all ages shows, that I've ever seen. Although I was too young for what some fans believe was its heyday (the mid-eighties), I went to literally dozens of shows throughout 1991-1996.

My first show: Love Battery. The lead singer from the Screaming Trees was there, flail-dancing around, but the show was not that full. I think it was a weeknight, Love Battery really wasn't well-known enough to headline, and the guy was huge and had plenty of room to move around. Ted Leo brought me and his younger brother Chris. Possibly, it's more accurate to say that Ted brought Chris and Chris brought me, but whatever. It was awesome. I didn't love Love Battery but I did love Maxwell's.

High point of junior year: We managed to score fIREHOSE tickets. Like 8 of them. It was me, Bridget, Jeanne, Chris, Danny, Dan Gomez, Gary and Maureen, I think. We took the train to Hoboken and then walked to the other end of the city (not actually very far) to Maxwell's. We were way too early for the show, and had no money to eat (at least the boys didn't), but we saw Thurston Moore eating inside at Maxwell's, and freaked the hell out. Then a guy (who I've actually recalled to be a "bum named Jackie") bought us a 6-pack of some lite beer, which we shared before the show. fIREHOSE was A-Fing-MAZING. My teeth still feel the bass.

I saw Shudder to Think there at least 3 times. I saw Tsunami there at least 3 times. I saw Fugazi there at least twice. Ted Leo has it exactly right describing the room during a Fugazi show. These are among the greatest memories I have of early adulthood. It helped that the club was in the shadow of the Maxwell House Coffee factory. The blast of coffee smell as you left the club at 2:00am was enough to drive home awake.

The last show I saw was Barbara Manning. I went with Dave McMahon. It was hella fun, but since I had relocated to Chicago I suspected I might not be back. There are efforts afoot to preserve Maxwell's but I think it would be weird for a punk club to be historically preserved. It's definitely a "you can't go home again" kind of thing.

Guest Blogger Dispatch 3: Totally Different and Unrelated Sharing

A friend shares this email from her child's preschool director:

Dear Families,

Our 11 year old son was saying things which seemed to me to have a generally negative turn to them. Jonah told us he had overheard us having a disagreement, and that's why he was now negative. I remembered reading in Raising Happiness that if children see you reconcile with your partner,that really helps mitigate any harm they experience.  I told my son that Tim and I had made up after our argument, and were fine now. He seemed to perk up. 

SEND FRUIT FOR OUR COMMUNAL FRUIT SALAD

On Thursday and Friday we will assemble a fruit salad with the kids using the fruit you send in.  Organic preferred!

THIS WEEK'S SNACK

A.M.: hummous, chips and carrots or celery (Mon-Wed). Snack on Thurs and Fri will be fruit salad

P.M.: dates

Okay, my friend shared this with me for the first part of the letter, which is just way too much information, and also veers very close to an admission of make-up sex without actually saying it. Or am I reading too much into it? Anyway, I continued with some other components of this newsletter because two OTHER things completely grossed me out besides the over-sharing: 

1) communal fruit salad prepared by preschoolers

   a) of course organic is preferred. Why did that need to be mentioned?

   b) Why isn't this just called germ salad or immune booster salad?

2) dates

   a) ewww

   b) no non-Hellenic (and I do mean from ancient Greece) toddler has ever like dates, because no one does, and also, aren't they a choking hazard? I guess its better than the toddler-prepared fruit salad they will be getting in the mornings

Thanks for oversharing, guest blogger!

Guest Blogger Dispatch 2: Read the Other One First

Mudcats Suffer Setback; Still in Playoff Hunt

June 2, 2013 (AP) – To invoke the motto of ABC’s Wide World of Sports, the Mudcats went from the “thrill of victory” to the “agony of defeat” in less than 24 hours.  One day after winning their opening round playoff game in walk-off fashion, on Sunday the Mudcats surrendered a three run lead to the Volcanoes in the top of the sixth inning and then gave up a whopping eleven runs in the top half of the extra frame to go down to defeat 16-7.  After scratching out a 5-2 lead against the Volcanoes ace pitcher Smiley – so nicknamed by the Vols coaches for his stoic demeanor – the Mudcats took the field in the top of the sixth needing just three outs to advance to the next round of the winners’ bracket to play the top-seeded Dragons.  Unfortunately for the ‘Cats, some untimely wild pitching allowed the Volcanoes to knot the score at 5.  The ‘Cats had a chance in the bottom of the sixth for back-to-back walk off wins, but William struck out on a check swing on a tough inside fastball, stranding a Catfish at third and sending the game to extra innings.  In the bonus round, the wheels came off the bus for the Mudcats, as none of a series of Mudcats’ pitchers could find the strike zone, allowing eleven runs to score on walks.  Down but not out, the Mudcats managed to put two runs on the board in the bottom half of the sixth, but could muster no more.  Liam Dooley, the hero of Saturday’s game, played a solid game in the field at first and behind the plate as catcher and went 2-4 at the plate, putting the bat on the ball each time he came up to hit.

The Mudcats next play the fifth-seeded Redwings in a win-or-go-home game on Tuesday afternoon.  With many of the Mudcats regular starting pitchers limited due to league pitch count rules, Liam is expected to see extended action on the bump for the ‘Cats.  First pitch is 5:00 PT. 

Dooley Dazzles; Turns Double Play

June 2, 2013 (AP) – In a late afternoon tilt, the Farm A Cardinals continued their solid play in the field and at the dish in a Farm A match up with the Mariners.  Although league rules do not allow for score to be kept in the Farm A division, unofficial reports had the Cardinals winning 17-12 in a four-inning slug-fest.  The game saw several smart plays in the field by Danish transplant Daniel Kvaerno, kindergarten call-up Xan, and surprise defensive whizz Diego (known more for his prodigious strength at the plate than his play in the field ), but none could match highlight reel catch of first baseman Quinn Dooley.  In the fourth inning, with runners on second and third, and nobody out, Quinn stabbed a sharply hit liner out of the air and deftly doubled off the Mariner on first who had taken off with the hit.  Reliving the play in his backyard the next day, Quinn reported that his play “was totally easy.”

The Cardinals return to the field Sunday, June 9, for their season finale.

Guest Blogger Dispatch: Mudcats Win; Dooley Awarded Game Ball

June 1, 2013 (AP) – The second-seeded Mudcats survived a scare from the seventh-seeded Grays in the first round of the NOLL Division AA playoffs, winning on a walk off, two-run single in the bottom of the sixth inning to cap a six run  come back.  Coach Chuck awarded the game ball to young Liam Dooley, whose stellar pitching performance in relief kept the Mudcats in the game.  In the top of the fifth inning, with his team already trailing 7-2, Liam was brought in to pitch with the bases loaded and nobody out.  In the bleakest of circumstances, Liam brought the Mudcats fans to their feet by shutting down the Grays, striking out two and deftly fielding a ground ball for a force out at home.  After the Mudcats put four runs on the board in the bottom of the fifth inning to narrow the deficit to 7-6, Liam again shut the Grays down in the top of the sixth.  Liam struck out the side, giving up only a harmless single, to set the stage for the Mudcats to complete their comeback.  Liam lead off the bottom of the sixth inning with an infield single and moved to second on a misplayed pop fly hit by Keeshan.  Then, after advancing on a wild pitch, Liam and Keeshan scored when Eli hit a single over the head of the center fielder to end the game in dramatic fashion.  Liam, who also played two solid innings at catcher, finished the game 2-3 at the plate with two runs scored.  The Mudcats advanced to play the Volcanoes at 11:00 a.m. PT today as the NOLL/SOLL Division AA double-elimination playoff tournament continues.

Leaving the House

Last night, I went to a show. The band was The XX, whom I had never heard of before and can't honestly say I would recognize again if I heard it today. They were described to me as minimalist, but I'm not sure why. They only had three members, and the "percussionist" played beats, I guess, but it didn't sound minimal at all, since it was loud as hell and had a huge light show and enough sonic layers to be described as complex.

But I digress. What was interesting to me about the show was the scene. It seems like music has finally arrived at a place where girls are more welcome, and so are gay kids, based on some of the smooching I saw. Given, this band was pretty twee, but I've seen aggro crap at twee shows, and that really wasn't in evidence. The crowd was diverse and well-behaved. The whole situation was almost unrecognizable to someone who started seeing live music 25 years ago. And the crowds had even settled down by then, compared to what it was like 10 years before that.

I'm just commenting on it because it surprised me.

Berkeley Never Fails

I stopped reading the Berkeley Parents Network newsletters when my kids started sleeping through the night. Thankfully, I have friends whose kids must not be sleep trained because sometimes I get juicy updates like these two.

 Mindful Housesitting (Berkeley)


-----------------------------------------------

Mindful Housesitting:
Offering Housesitting in a spirit of mindfulness and kindness.
Blessings for your plants, pets, mail, gardens, and home.
Good references and experience
Be at ease while you are away
Especially cat friendly
Mindful, caring, reliable, honest, clean, quiet, gentle, focused, drug/drama/alcohol free, and goodhearted female.
Please contact: mindfulhousesittingamyi@xxxx.com
Longer arrangements given priority, advance arrangements appreciated.
Barter/Trade-OK; donations always appreciated!
Thank you.
Contact: Amy email: amyibelieve@xxxxxxxx.com

Something makes me doubt the drama free part but the "especially cat friendly" part seems pretty believable. This next one makes me wonder if this gal here is actually just looking to move to the Bay Area, and has some other special skills to share.

Is there a market for a wet nurse in the bay?
-------------------------------------------

We are thinking about moving backl to the bay and I have been thinking about trying to pick up some work as a nanny (I homeschool my 2 and 5 year old aswell). I have been following quite a few posts on Breastfeeding support in different ways and it seems like wet nursing is making a come back at least a little. You think there would be any interest for this in the bay? I am very healthy and eat a very healthy diet specifically to give my daughter great milk. She would still be nursing but my supply has alwaysadjusted to meat their demand. I have always wanted to donate milk to help those that need it but just don't get anything if I pump (if I get a little it's only ever for  milk).

Would you have wanted your care tiverton step in in this way? Would it have seemed too weird to you? Wu,d your willing to pay extra? The money would come in handy as we dont yet know how we will be able to afford living in the bay again but I would also be very interested in doing it for someone who was really in need wether they could afford it or not. Happy to share this gift of nourishment


It's a huge relief that there are still wierd people out.

Who Else is Still Blogging?

I got to wondering, if Jenny is back on the blogging wagon, who else might still be out there, sharing their thoughts in a world where people increasingly read only tweets. I checked in on some other blogs I used to follow.

1. Arch Thinking. My sister has not blogged since January, and it was only to reveal that her budding art career. She's moved on to Etsy it seems.

2.  A Better Oakland is gone. At least the blog. Oakland itself has gotten better in some ways and worse in others. Probably worth its own blog post, really.

3. James Kennedy is still blogging. We had James over for dinner when he was in town for the 90 second Newbery Film Festival. Next year, we will make sure to get an East Bay viewing location. Meanwhile, you can still read his blog.

4. Speak You're Branes stopped blogging in Feb 2012. Although if you've never read it before, you don't really need it to be updated in order to find it funny.

5. Executive Orc House comes and goes at it pleases, and seems to be entirely written in a secret computer programmer language. There is a recent post, with Likes, but I have no idea what it means. Somewhere, a new Canadian is smirking.

6. Oakland Living has only sporadic posts.

Of the six that I checked, two have stopped, two are sporadic, one is cryptic and the last one is active. I am guessing this is reflective of the blog population as a whole. I will test my theory by looking at other blogs tonight. Research!

Blogs are Coming Back

Now that I am paying attention again, I want to share two new blogs that are must-follow. My old friend T&A is blogging again at My Other Blog is A Mommy Blog. Jenny is awesome; I think you'll love her as much as I do.

The other blog that I have obsessively checked like 14 times today (and today was actually way too insane to be reading blogs, involving as it did human excrement, copious amounts of bleach and a formaldehyde spill - not related incidents, by the way) is WHPK Record Library. A little back story. In college, I was a DJ and station manager at WHPK, my college radio station. The record library there was impressive. 8 foot shelves around the entire perimeter of a 12x12 foot room, with additional shelves in the middle, with every snobberific indie or punk band sandwiched into the room. Traditionally, the music director would slap a fat white sticker in the lower left corner of the record, date it and put a few comments to guide the DJ. Best cut, not-safe-for-daytime-play, etc. Other DJs could comment, and usually did. Stickers would be added, homophobic comments would be made.  The homophobic stuff is firmly not awesome, but I can attest that most, if not all, of those guys have repented their spiteful ways (externally) and some have even come out of the closet. This awesome site is posting one album per day. They could post a new album every day until the day I die and it still wouldn't touch the breadth of that record library's awesomeness.

Yes, I am nostalgic. But I also think the WHPK blog would benefit from an interactive component, like the New York Public Library Menu collection.  On this site, you can assist the NYPL decipher their enormous menu collection by transcribing the menus that have been scanned in. It's hella fun. I would totally spend hours transcribing the comments on record labels, by the way. It would be like meditation for me.

Weird s&*% doesn't just happen in Florida

A woman wrapped herself in bubble wrap to go kill her husband. What's up with that?

Into the Void

I wrote this post in March 2007. I cannot figure out why I didn't post it. The links don't work any more, but I will see if I can find out any more information and update you later. 

Sometimes I don't post about a story because it seems so freaking obvious. But the kerfuffle about Israel's ambassador to El Salvador has been remarkably quiet. Okay, so it hasn't been totally ignored - Wonkette covered it - but it happened two weeks ago and it's just now getting press. It's not every day you hear about someone being found on their lawn, dressed in bondage gear, covered in sex toys, drunk, much less one involving a diplomat. From Israel. To El Salvador. Talk about diplomatic relations I have never even considered. Anyway, I have a couple of theories about this event:

1. If Israel had wanted this kept quiet, it would have been kept quiet. It's not like Tsuriel Raphael would be bragging about this. Take the ball gag out of his mouth, give him a cup of coffee, ship him back to Tel Aviv and tell the world press he resigned to spend more time with his family. It wouldn't even be a burp on the AP's radar. But here we are, with Israel telling it all around. I thought diplomats were known for their discretion, but I guess that's why they're recruiting now, huh?

2. "It's not like Tsuriel Raphael would be bragging about this", or would he? If you are a masochist, isn't this the zenith of mortification? Very few facts could make this story more embarassing, and if that's your bag, well, you can now die happy.

3. Was this story actually ignored for two weeks because its hard to pitch it from any angle in the mainstream media? I don't think the New York Times has touched it with a ten foot whip yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the priggishness of mainstream media makes editors apoplectic over stories like this one. It's like the Weekly World News meets The World.

4. Did a joke already exist that starts: "An Israeli, a Salvadoran, and a masochist walk into a bar...." or will someone need to write that now?

That's all I've got.

Finally, only two more days to join St. Scobie's Mock Brackets. To my anonymous commenter, I cannot help you unless you identify yourself. And if you've picked Oral Roberts to win it, then maybe no one can help you.

Just a Post

I think all the time about blogging again, because I really loved it when I did it regularly. It never seems like the right time to start again because it feels like I should have a momentous reason for that first start-up post. Which will turn out to be a false start, of course. So just like when I first started blogging, I am going to not tell anyone, and see if anyone finds me here.

Why did I stop blogging? For several reasons. First, I had other avenues to share my thoughts. Facebook and Twitter are not going away, folks. They are way easier to maintain than a blog, and the gratification you get from your friends' responses is almost instant. The "long" form of the blog, though, allows more rambling, which I am prone to.

I also changed jobs. At my old job, it was expected that people would have strong political views and there was no problem if you shared them. I now work for a large company where people are expected to keep their personal views personal, and you are not supposed to even check your personal email at work, much less write blog posts. As you might imagine, I am not comfortable in this environment, but I pass really well. However,  I've learned that large companies maybe are not the best place for me, and while I figure out what's next, I no longer feel self-censoring. I have a lot of things I want to talk about.

Other reasons. I don't have a lot of time. Also, I find that my hands hurt a lot. I blame the iphone I am almost constantly on. Dealing with this falls into a bucket of self-work that I think about a lot, but haven't done anything about yet. This is a giant bucket, by the way. I having been thinking a lot about perfectability and how subjective perfect is. Like, I think I would be a better (or at least healthier) person if I eliminated half and half from my coffee, but believe that I would be miserable. But then I wonder, how do I know I will be miserable? I might be fine. I used to smoke, and think that my life would be empty without cigarettes, but now that I haven't smoked in 13 years, I don't miss them. Presumably, giving up half and half would be easier than that.

Let me see if I can get back to blogging.

Can't stay away

It's New Year's resolution time, which gives me that hanker to blog on my real blog. I've really missed it, too. Mainly because my two main readers refuse to join Facebook. So the mountain will come to Muhammed on this one, and I will make another go at St. Scobies. I've also resolved a six-month long access problem (forgotten password) by changing my password. Okay, I'm back, y'all.

With a lot to blog about, actually. But I will start with New Year's resolutions. First of all, let's review 2012:

1. Less TV for kids - this happened sporadically but was offset by my kids' growing awareness of the possibilities available to them via my iPad and (sigh) the kindles Santa got them from Christmas.
2. meatless Monday - while this did not happen specifically, we had almost totally eliminated red meat from our home menu, and did increase our seafood intake. So that's something.
3. running coach (?) - This didn't happen.
4. singing lessons - This did. I took one lesson, got the jist of what it would entail, and decided I am fine singing off-key. I also took swimming lessons, and feel much more confident swimming laps now.
5. write a song? Call it "Sans Netsuki"- What can I say? I am a frustrated songwriter. However, I did start writing a scifi novel. Started it is the operative phrase, but I am committed to finishing it this year.
6. New music? - Bought Big Boi's new album. Does that count? It is awesome.
7. Date night? - In the works.
8. Videogames only as reward - Depends on your definition of reward.
9. Chores for kids - This did happen. Kids got 5 chores and while they are wildly inconsistent on doing them, reminding them is effective, because they do seem aware that they are responsible for them. 
10. See Joan Rivers movie - Didn't happen.
11. Floss more - Data not available. 
12. Harry Nillson documentary - Didn't happen. I hate documentaries.
13. see Mitch Hedberg stand-up video (RIP)  - Did this. It was probably like watching a Hitchcock film now. It was like, "what is the big deal? This is sort of derivative." and then you realize everyone else is ripping him off. Pretty funny but not, like, mind-blowing. 
14. Thank Mario - Sorry, Mario.
15. Watch more stand-up - Does reading Jason Zinoman's column count?
16. Lose the baby fat - So did not happen.
17. Get that fuckin' Jeep out of here - Happened. I had nothing to do with it, I don't think.
18. Get linen panties -  Will work on it 2013.
19. Start a denim panties business - The market is still out there.
20. Learn bird calls - Do you realize how drunk I was?
21. Get more babysitters - this happened. We LOVE our babysitter.
22. Get a public access TV show - Definitely needs to happen. Possibly will launch as a podcast. In my mind.


I am giving myself credit for 8 of these, plus extra credit for the swimming lessons and the novel. But only one extra point. So I have a completion rate of 41%. I can live with that.

And now for 2013:
1. Obtain and maintain a sour dough starter: Already ordered it. Keeping it alive will be the real challenge.

2. Take a sewing class: Only weakly committed to this, I just want to figure out how to use my sewing maching.

3. Try Pilates 

4. Read one book per month: I finished two books last week but sadly it was prior to Jan 1. I am reading Game of Thrones now.

5. Buy at least 5 new albums: Recommendations welcome.

6. Camp at least once -big basin? - Wanna come?

7. See Big Sur

8. Finish my novel about Mars

9. Oh, and I will try blogging a bit more.

More to come, I am sure. Happy New Year.

Come Fly With Me

I've decided to have a go at tumblr which seems to be a more manageable blogging platform. I know you don't give a shit, but trust me on this one. elscob.tumblr.com

I might come back here, I might not.

By the way

I am also fully hating this new template, and it seems like all the Blogger templates are clunky and load slowly and generally don't let you choose a normal font or something. Any ideas?

April Fools Resolution

I know you've been dying to ask which of the New Year's resolutions I shared was April Fools fakery (poisson d'Avril! I shout). In truth, every single one of them was a resolution that I recorded on New Year's day, from Harry Nillson to Denim Panties, Inc. Recall too that I resolved to drink less in 2012, and you may understand why. After what amounted to an almost full day of drinking that ends with a resolution about denim panties made with a guy named Mario, you can understand why I might total my tee, so to speak.

As for April Fools, I did perpetuate one effective trick (poisson d'Avril!). I emailed B the following (Subject: Don't Get Mad):

So we went to the farmer's market this morning, and the Milo Foundation was there, and there were these super-cute cats, and the kids really wanted one, so we adopted a cat. I know you will be pissed but this is a super-cute cat. We are still discussing a names. Names proposed include Pat, Tory, Destu and Strug.

 Probably because he was at the tail end of a 48-hour bachelor party, he completely bought this. When he called to talk about it, I shouted, "Don't carry the cat around like that!" but I accidentally muted the phone with my jaw (a strangely common problem I have) and then lost steam on the joke. I don't think I've ever successfully tricked someone on April 1, and unless he's as sensorily-compromised next year, I doubt it will happen again. 

One of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where you are like Why do I suddenly have too much tupperware? And then you are like Why do I care? Why am calibrating par levels of tupperware? and then your solace from this soul-sucking line of inquiry is to mock a neighbor's email request for coupons to a local arts and crafts store?

I can tell that this day has the possibility of being a long one of those days, since it's only 8:35 am and there is an unholy storm raging outside.

2012 New Year's Resolutions Redux, aka The April Fools Edition

I finally worked up the nerve to look at my New Year's resolution list, made on New Years Day, in mid- February and I thought it was worth posting. See if you can spot the fake resolution.

1. Less TV for kids
2. meatless Monday
3. running coach (?)
4. singing lessons
5. write a song? Call it "Sans Netsuki"
6. New music?
7. Date night?
8. Videogames only as reward
9. Chores for kids
10. See Joan Rivers movie
11. Floss more
12. Harry Nillson documentary
13. see Mitch Hedberg stand-up video (RIP)
14. Thank Mario
15. Watch more stand-up
16. Lose the baby fat
17. Get that fuckin' Jeep out of here
18. Get linen panties
19. Start a denim panties business
20. Learn bird calls
21. Get more babysitters
22. Get a public access TV show

Fake resolution will be posted on April 1. Come back then!

Another awesome thing

To make it up to you for botching the stormtrooper picture in yesterday's post, I thought I would share this with you. It's a "diaper cake" that a pregnant colleague received as a baby gift. Those white things are newborn diapers rolled one by one. Isn't it awesome? 

A Grab Bag

I have an accumulation of stuff I want to share, so I guess that warrants a blog post.

Ahhhh, chuckley-chuckle.

And I love this, possibly more than the original:

Her Material Girl cover is pretty boss, too.

What else I got for you? Read this NY Times article One Schlep Forward. It resonated.

Is the Wierd Coming Back?

When I first moved to the Bay Area in 2000, there were a lot of wierd people here. There were more art cars, for example. How Berkeley Can You Be? was at its height. Remember the guy in the pink leotard? Where did he go? And the crime in particular was really weird. You want some examples? How about:

1. The Sausage Factory owner who killed 3 food inspectors. My memory may have an over-active imagination, but I recalled that he processed their bodies as well.

2. The Family in Marin County. You will be not so thrilled to hear that Winnfred Wright has been paroled. (How f-ed is it that child abuse is a non-violent offense?)

3. The human trafficking/death of an Indian girl, discovered by a Berkeley High student reporter. And guess what? Lakireddy Reddy has been paroled too.

4. The vaccuum salesman killer. This may be my over-active imagination again, but I recall that in 2000 or 2001, someone was either posing as a vacuum salesman or killed a salesperson at their door.

5. The Lesbian Killing Dog F***ers. To recap: two SF lawyers bought Presa Canarios dogs from an Aryan/White Brotherhood dude in Pelican Bay and then also adopted that dude and staged elaborate sexual tableaux involving themselves, the Aryan, the dogs and various medieval costumes/weapons. The dogs then mauled and basically tried to eat a neighbor, who happened to be a lesbian who lived in their building. Got all that? I won't bother you with the self-representation fiasco. Search the blog and I'm sure I've written on this topic before.

Where are they now? Marjorie Knoller is still in prison, but Robert Noel served his time fro involuntary manslaughter and is somewhere in the East Bay, baking our morning bread. Their "son's" cellmate just settled a dispute over whether he can publish a book about his role in breeding the dogs (among other insights).

And that doesn't even include Scott Peterson or the wackos who kidnapped Jaycee Dugard.

My view is that things have gotten less wierd around here, but I'm wondering if we won't see any uptick soon in the wierd. It's only a matter of time before the mountain-unicyclist is out there in a pink leotard, I'd wager.

Photo Dump 2

This is totally unrelated to the post below. We recently visited Salt Lake City, and the new Museum of Natural History - Rio Tinto Center, and it was totally awesome. A must-see if you are in SLC, and worth planning a trip if you are a dinosaur nerd. My pictures can't do justice to the exterior of the building. Visit the website to see that. My photos below are of the wall of ceratops, an allosaurus re-enactment, and the view from one window.

Photo Dump

This is a post (or series of posts) for the two of you that refuse to join Facebook. I dumped close to 200 pictures from our camera and phone tonight, so I thought I would share a few gems.

What's this, you wonder? Why, it's a mountain-biking unicyclist. He and his buddy (also on a unicycle) were hurtling down a pretty steep hill in Joaquin Miller Park a few weeks ago. Some of my hiking companions stopped to chat with them at the bottom of the hill, but I was too inherently judgmental of their fake sport to get the scoop. I was also soon riveted by an insane colony of lady bugs, all mating wildly and acting pretty unladylike, if you know what I mean.

My older son (the dour We Demand-er in front) protesting in honor of MLK Jr. Day at his school.

I can't take credit for this. Don't even know where I got it. But if you aren't on Facebook, you probably haven't seen it. 

Totally Random

Regarding the State of the Union address: I only have one novel thing to say about it. Much was made by liberal tweeters and bloggers that this was the most hawkish peacetime SOTU address they'd ever heard, or that they couldn't believe that civil institutions were being called on to act like the military. They either feared the civil liberties implications of that, or thought it diminished what the military is fighting for. That is, the military is disciplined so that we can have an unruly civil democracy. Those were the critiques of his frequent military references.

 I actually think Obama was trying to make a subtler point, which is that Congress and its members chose to serve their country - were elected to do so - and yet exhibit very little of the organization and sacrifice that our soldiers show. I think he was contrasting Congress with the military as being do-nothing, even unpatriotic, in their resistance to any bi-partisan compromise. Or maybe that is just what I'm reading out of it because that is what I think.

On a totally different topic, here's my best maternal wisdom from today, "If there isn't vomiting and diahrea at the same time, I don't think you can call it the worst day ever." In fact, we had neither. Just an over-dramatic 8 year old and his over-dramatic mother.

What else can I tell you about? That KeN album I mentioned in the prior post? Meh. It sounds like a late Tsunami album baked too long. But it's definitely about having kids. I will probably enjoy it on shuffle. I wish Carrie Brownstein had kids and loved something over than Rock And Roll, because the Wild Flag album completely kicks ass. It just doesn't make me feel cool. It makes me feel like she's cool. In re: Florence and the Machine. My cousin said, "No men like Florence and the Machine." Which is true but a little wierd because it sounds like if Queen were women. (In my head, men like Queen. Not sure why I think that). I don't like it as much as Wild Flag.

Oh, and I watched some Mitch Hedberg on YouTube. Funny. Not like make-me-wet-my-pants funny, but more Steven Wright-chuckles. So Thanks, Mario, wherever you are.

Riot Moms, part 2

Out of curiosity, I am trying to track down music by rocker moms - women who were making music when I was in high school and college. I started at the beginning (of my musical interests) and looked for Jenny Toomey and Kristen Thomson of Tsunami. Toomey works for the Ford Foundation, after founding the Future of Music Coalition with Thomson. She doesn't seem to make music anymore, at least that she publishes.

Thomson lives near Philly, and has a going concern called KeN. First rocker mom discovered (I snooped on Facebook; she definitely has a kid or 2)! I downloaded their 2006 album. I will let you know if it's any good.

Any suggestions for lady rockers I should similarly snoop on?

New Year's Resolutions 2012

It used to be something of a ritual around here that I would review my old New Year's resolutions and then write some new ones. I never got around to it last year, but one resolution was to find a new job, and I did that, so I feel like it was an accomplished year.

It's hard to know where to go with resolutions this year. I don't want to rest on my laurels, but I've come to like a lot of things about myself, and I don't really like sacrifice all that much. On New Year's Day -- well, actually later that same night -- I made an insane list that has items like

26. Watch some Mitch Hedberg stand-up

27. Thank Mario

I'm actually so mortified about what else I may have put on that list that I am afraid to go back and look at it. And it suggested a modest but obvious resolution of

1. Drink a bit less.

Which hasn't been all that taxing so far.

One friend we saw this weekend held the view that effective resolutions had to meet certain criteria. First of all, they need to be specific. He's right; "I will lose 5 pounds by exercising 3 times a week and eating 100 fewer calories a day" is more effective than, "Lose some weight." But it's also a little boring to make goals like that.

Another criteria, they should not be boring. He said that after he'd challenged himself to do a 100 mile bike ride, and then did it again, that really crazy resolutions do not exist. Many people can do most things (putting aside major barriers). The only stuff left is Jackass-type stuff. But if you set goals that make you less boring than you end up a better or at least more interesting person at the end of the year. He was considering trying out guitar (he's already a pianist, so not a stretch) or writing a book about a really weird case he worked on. In that vein, I am thinking about taking singing lessons. Actually I think I will resolve to:

2. Take a singing lesson

I think I have maxed out my resolution making abilities for the night. What did you resolve to do in 2012?

What Else Did I Want to Blog About?

The major lack of mom rock in this world, and no, I do not mean Adele. Why are there not more non-country mom bands, singing convincingly of what a pain in the ass early middle aged parenting is? Literally dozens of great bands sang about the trauma of suburban teen existence. Where are the riot grrls now? I want some decent punk mom rock.

Totally Annoyed About Today

Okay, not totally. I thought I had posted a few blog posts recently via their mobile/email capabilities, but here they aren't. Not sure they were worth recreating. One concerned a proposal to blog 300 words three times a week, which I obviously have not accomplished.

So what else is annoying me?

1. The fact that, re-reading my Oct 17 post re: the Occupy movement, I was clearly right, and yet no one, even my spouse or closest friends read this blog, so it does not fracking matter. Oh well.

2. Threat marketing. What is this, you say? This is when a company markets to you by threatening you. Here's an example. I cancelled a Capital One credit card about six months ago. We'd paid off the balance and the rate was not favorable, blah blah blah. Anyway, since then, every few weeks, Capital One emails me with an enticing offer, like 0% interest and a really high credit line, and then they give me a date by which I must accept the offer. Before that date, they send me escalatingly shrill emails threatening me that this is my last chance, I am making a huge mistake, I will never see a rate like this ever again, etc etc. It feels like an abusive relationship writ very small. Honeymoon, threat, bigger threat, deadline, cooling off. Honeymoon, threat, bigger threat, and so forth.

Another example: we get San Francisco magazine, a very glossy affair which purports to showcase SF's upper echelon. We never ordered this magazine, and yet every month, it comes with a paper wrapper declaring that our subscription has ended and we must contact them to renew. The whole thing is in a plastic bag. If I had an ounce of energy for this, I would beg them to stop sending me the whole thing, since SF's "upper echelon" is among the lamest "upper echelons" that have existed since the beginning of time.

I do not understand a marketing strategy that berates people for not buying something that they do not want. The only plausible evidence that this works is in Dr. Suess's Green Eggs and Ham, and I don't even find the ending believable in that book.

An Idea for the Occupy Movement

Let me be pretty upfront about this: I don't know very much about the Occupy Movement. Here are some things I know about it.

1. There have been a lot of Occupy demonstrations in different cities lately.

2. They use a human bullhorn, which is annoying and awesome and brilliant (since you'd expect the social movement of the social media generation to be hamstrung by restrictions on electronic gear).

3. The NYT is treating them like a font of adorable Style section content.

4. They don't have a set of political demands.

This last part seems to be annoying a lot of people, including some folks within the Occupy Movement. It annoys me too, a little bit. I agree with them (I think) but I have some fears about this component of the movement. Fears include:

1. A lack of coherent platform along with sporadic violence and the presence of Naomi Klein suggest a WTO/Seattle riots anarchist movement that could backfire on sympathetic Dems.

2. It's easy for this to get boring and stale and marginalized.

3. So much energy being wasted on committees for basic life functions has doomed other movements.

There's an article on this particular conundrum (Protesters Debate What Demands, If Any, to Make) in today's NY Times (see above). I tend to agree with the sentiment expressed, "“Like Frederick Douglass said, ‘Power concedes nothing without a demand.’ ”

So how can the Occupy Movement make demands (as they probably must) without undermining the core element that make it unique (it has no demands)?

Let's look at Douglass's maxim, and ask, "who does the Occupy Movement see as having power?" The first and more obvious answer is, "Wall Street." But a second, almost as obvious answer, "The People," since they are mobilizing people to assert their critique, and believe it is "The People" or "the 99%" who should rule our country. They do NOT think that "the Government" has power right now. Or if the Government has power, it is being mobilized by Wall Street against the interests of the 99%.

In this view, demands made on the Government are pointless because the Government does not have the power or will to act on behalf of the 99% or against the interests of Wall Street. That's why the Occupy Movement does not have political demands of the Government. Demands made of Wall Street are being made, but are not being acceded to: agree to be taxed, be prosecuted, be redistributed. These are not demands to which Wall Street will willingly accede, and the Government will mobilize in Wall Street's favor to ensure no other means are used to press those demands (i.e. the police would not allow violence by protestors).

I'm just guessing here. I have spoken to no actual Occupy movement participant and have not read any of their literature or websites or anything like that. That said, . . .

The best and most original course of action would be for the Occupy Movement to make its demands of "The People". A good first one is, move your money to credit unions. I will accede to that. They should demand that people vote, that people shop at farmer's markets, and local stores. Vote their stocks. If they can explain to me how to do that in concert with other shareholders, I am totally in. If this is a people's movement, than it should be about the deconsolidation of wealth via the (buying and saving) power of the people. They should set up a Kiva or Kickstarter for people's mortgages and student loans.

Just as none of their protest techniques are unique (except maybe that bullhorn), none of the "demands" that they should be making of us are unique. Their use and development of these and similar ideas as a platform for a new movement would be, though. And I think the 99% are listening. Or at least a majority of them are.

Conundrum

For as long as I can remember, I have been against music nostalgia, especially in people who didn't experience particular bands in their initial heyday. Specifically I am talking here about Deadheads.

(Aside, people who like music that sounds like it ought to be from another period, e.g. jam bands, also annoy me. On the other hand, people who like Yma Sumac, the Limelighters, Julie London and Mario Lanzo do not annoy me. So maybe it's just Deadheads and jam band fans who annoy me. But that doesn't let me address my conundrum so my aside is not relevant.)

Let me start again. I've always thought that people should like the good music that is being made "now". At least, I thought that until I thought the music that is made "now" is not as good as the music that was made "when it was good." I think the late 80s through mid-90s were a particularly golden period for music, both rock and rap, and my musical tastes haven't evolved much past that time. I hadn't really noticed that I had become a music nostalgic though, until a friend sent me a link to Riot on the Dance Floor, a documentary about City Gardens, a punk club from my youth. The interviews are with bandmembers from some of my favorite bands, and wow, does everyone look old. Okay, so they were older than me then, but it didn't seem like it.

I'm not gonna go on punk nostalgia trip here. Actually I am worried that the strict cultural moral code of my youth now requires me to reject myself, hate me, find me to be stupid and flaccid and lame. Which of course I don't, but out of affection for myself want to embrace. Does that make any sense? I love my younger self like a child, and like the parent of that child want to agree with her!

The Rise and Fall and Rise of Critical Thinking

Bill Keller has an editorial in the NYT Magazine called The Twitter Trap, which bemoans the decline of, well, everything due to the rise in social networks. He basically blames Twitter and Facebook for the death of critical thinking, I think. While I know some who may share that sentiment, I would argue that curmudgeons have bemoaned the death of critical thinking before such a thing was born. I think it is probably the plot of Bye Bye Birdie (girls besotted with pop star can focus on nothing else). Back-in-my-day-ness requires a near-distant utopia of critical thinkers who've evolved unwittingly into idiots due to the rise of the printing press/telephone/Xerox machine/computer/etc.

But why is Bill Keller picking on Twitter? I can think of at least 10 things off the top of my head which are easily more to blame for the death of intellect. For example,

1. Spending too much time with one's children. In our utopian past, multiple generations raised our children, freeing us to commune with eachother, engage in political organizing, and become economically literate. Now I spend a solid 6 hours of the day discussing Star Wars and sharks. Critical faculties: DOA.

2. The length of professional sports' seasons. WTF hockey and basketball? Go away.

3. talk radio

4. laundry. Have you noticed how much there is, and how the clean stuff never gets folded?

5. video games*

6. MTV*

7. bridge, canasta, Trivial Pursuit, Settlers, etc. Basically any board game that grown-ups will meet to play.

8. Email*

9. matching our shoes to our bags

10. the casinos (basically pathological #7)

* These are pastimes which once wasted huge hours of my life, and no longer do, except for video games, which have migrated through every platform I've used. You can read about it in my autobiography: From Frogger to Tetris to Farmville to Cut the Rope: One Woman's Journey through Non-Violent Videogames.

Anyway, my point? Keller is sounding an alarm that has been sounded so many times that no one really believes it or cares. This too shall pass. Twitter will just get absorbed and shelved in its rightful place in the world, and people will be roughly as smart and as stupid as we've ever been.

Finally Having a Thought Longer Than a Tweet

Can't promise it will be any good, though.

I finished A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan the other night. I'm becoming such an old lady that I promptly began referring to it as The Geek Squad, until Mr. Scobie reminded me that that is actually a commercial service provided by a major electronics chain and not a Pulitzer-prize winning novel. And why is it P-p winning? If it is truly the best fiction book written this year, then I definitely don't feel bad for not having read the others.

Goon Squad isn't bad, per se. It just isn't memorable, or novel. It's structured like a set of short stories which are entangled by shared characters and referenced situations (i.e. something that happens in one chapter/story will be referred to in another). The styles of the stories differ, as does the voice - one of the better ones is actually a Power Point presentation by a 12-year-old. Which is adorable and brilliant, right? But let me ask you something: would any of the following writers ever have written a Power Point presentation to get at the loveliest denouement of their novel: Steinbeck, Hemingway, Bellow, Roth? How about Jane Austen pr Joyce Carol Oates? How about Judy Fracking Blume? No, they would not have done that. Why? Because they are masters of voice and narrative and don't have to resort to trickery and stylishness and something that seems vaguely like magical realism but is really just spacy, lazy omniscience.

This is all the rage now. The "good" books are all jump-cut and we are expected to be kept off-base by switching stories and narratives. This is why I didn't like (and didn't finish) Cloud Atlas. It was too precious that it was a set of nesting stories. Ditto The Imperfectionists: although better written than Goon Squad, it took way too long to begin weaving its stories together. Hell, since I didn't finish that either, it maybe never did.

I want to be told long, involved character-driven stories. I don't even mind if they are, in fact, magical realist. Or scifi. Take Infinite Jest. I've decided IJ is probably science fiction. That's okay with me. It has a consistent style, strong characters, limited enough in number to be really engrossing, a distant but familiar world where politics and technology are ours, magnified. And the subplots are woven together, not mashed up or folded in on eachother without actually touching.

Why am I going on like this? I'm annoyed that I have nothing to read, and that maybe the books that I should be reading are the ones I had already written off. It's also possible that I am jealous of these writers. I have this sense that I could tell a better story but fear that I can't. Or won't.

15 Seconds of My 15 Minutes of Fame