Red Cross Hurricane Fund

The Red Cross is accepting on-line donations for Hurricane Katrina Relief at https://www.redcross.org/donate/donation-form.asp

The Red Cross is describing this as the biggest US relief operation they’ve ever mounted because of the number of displaced individuals.

Oakland Did Not Have the Juice

Usually I rely on hometown news provider The Oakland Tribune for the wierd shit I put on this page. The OT was not bringing it today, so I wandered over to The Montgomery Advertiser for some good stuff. Unfortunately, Katrina is tearing AL a new one at the moment. Which must have the liberals at the editorial helm, because this cartoon ran today.

Another Slow News Days

My brain has been sort of empty lately, incapable of sussing out wacky news or generating pithy ways of making fun of John Roberts. In lieu of golf or mustache theories, I will continue to woo you with pictures of the Buddha Man.

Problems You Didn't Want to Worry About

Readers outside of Cali may not have to worry YET, but those of you living in the Golden State should probably be on the lookout for the plague. Yeah, that plague. California cats are carriers, according to the Oakland Tribune. And I know you trust them.

The Bean of Which Ms. H Speaks

Of COURSE He Is!

It turns out, the Piano Man is German. He finally identified himself. And he can only tap on one piano key repeatedly, not play Swan Lake. And he's been drawing Kilroy, not pianos. I made that last one up, but frankly, that's where this story is headed.

To augment the slow news

I thought this was a no-news day, but Piano Man surfaced, so instead, you can consider this a slow-news-day supplement

Can I Get a Hell Yeah?

In some sense, it's rude to make your friends the focus of a blog entry, and in some other, but related, sense, they have to expect it. Right? So Radio Boy proposes to do a blog along the following lines, and I want you, my other friends, to vote it into existence by saying, Yes, Radio Boy, Yes! Or maybe I should say, "Can I get a hell yeah? hell yeah hell yeah"

I thought about creating a blog that was devoted to classic rock. I'd use the voice classic rock fans use when they write reviews on Amazon. You know, stuff like: "IMHO Starz is a criminally under-appreciatedband. They are the missing link between Aerosmith and Triumph. You can't understand anything about this portion of the continuum of mid- to late-seventies rockdom without understanding Starz. Richie Ranno's leads were f-ing awesome! THEY ROCKED! YAW!" And the blog could have a feature devoted to the rock-n-roll deaths of hair-metal rockers ("Scott Smith of Loverboy was swept off the deck of a yacht by a wave. Dude,that is SO FREAKIN' COOL!") and maintain body-counts from fires and tramplings at hair-metal shows at shit-hole clubs in places like Columbus and Harrisburg ("So I'm sure you all heard that 10 folks were stomped to death at an April Wine show in Sioux City last week. What you might not know is that the band was playing Rock & Roll Is a Vicious Game when it happened. It's a tragedy and all that, but isn't it f-ing poetry that they were playing that song when folks were getting trampled? IMHO it just shows how freakin' TRUE that song is! ROCK ON AND RIP!")

Scratching That Bed Race Itch

I know that ever since I posted about my Dad's Libertarian Bed Race Fiasco, you have been wondering: when is the next bed race? Can I enter? Can I win?! The answers are September 5, Yes, and Hells No! Here's why:

The race will begin at 9 a.m. with the team from Sergio's Restaurant returning to defend not only its 2004 title, but the best time ever posted by any team in the 30-plus year history of the bed race. The Sergio's Restaurant team won the title last year in a stunning burst of speed, sailing past all competitors, to post a record-breaking time of 1:43.16.

I highly doubt that you amateurs are going beat that. You could get noticed for your bed's decorations however. But probably not, since

In a new twist reminiscent of the bed races of the 1970s, LaserZone on Rte . 20 will not only enter a bed in the race, but will decorate one for the Lions Club's entry in the Labor Day parade.

In case you were inclined to give humanity a break

Don't do it. As evidence by this stampede at an iBook sale, we are truly the worst species on the planet.

Wondering what your problem is?

Ella helpfully passes along this link where you can find a list of all known phobias. Please note, this is known phobias; I cannot find a name for the fear of reproductive tourists.

Another sign of Aporkalypse?

The term "reproductive tourists" makes me want to barf. For some folks, though, a trip to Egg-o-land is just the thing for a relaxing vacation.

Hidden Rees

Dig the Mustache of Understanding. I'm glad that David Rees has his own mustache theory, even if it in no way jibes with mine.

The Amway M.O.

I know that the capture of this escaped convict and his gun-blazin' bride is all over the place, but the best part is the tip-off of the cabdriver:

"They didn't strike me as the Amway type because to be honest they weren't very pushy about their product and I've dealt with them before so — that was my only real suspicion," Wagers said.

Latest affliction to hit Bay Area

Here is a great story about a driving instructor so afraid of driving that his only self-medication is grope his female students. And y'all know we're crazy out here....

In the probation report prepared by authorities, Cat is quoted as saying
that he was driven over the edge by a phobia of having no control while being in
a car while someone else was driving.

Cuddle up with Karl Rove

I hate to scoop Poo Poo Platter on some juicy anti-Rove material, but y'all should check out Steal This Sweater, the website of a political knitter. I particularly "like" her mittens with the Iraq body counts on them. So warm and toasty.

Alabama's Medicaid's Riposte

As you know, Jen Lav, through a dentist friend of hers, enlisted Cher's help in battling her client's problems with Alabama Medicaid. You KNOW that Alabama won't take that s**t lying down. Here's a recent story from the Tuscaloosa news (reprinted in full so that you won't have to give them highly valuable private information):

Cher, the international movie, TV and pop star, has a song in her vast repertoire called “I’m No Angel." But you couldn’t prove it by Joseph Sullivan of Northport.The 16-year-old has muscular dystrophy. He can move his head and fingers but little else. His mother, who is 69, is disabled from two strokes. Sullivan lost his Medicaid coverage this summer when his survivor benefits from his father’s death increased his monthly income to $13 over the agency’s $599 limit. When Medicaid was cut off, his family couldn’t afford the $190 a week cost of home health care that helped keep Sullivan bathed and dressed. Without those simple amenities, his hopes of leaving his house and eventually returning to school were dimmed. A local dentist, Dr. Tony Davis, heard of Sullivan’s plight and contacted Cher, who has been helping children with disabilities since her movie“Mask," which focused on a disfigured teen. She donated $550 for two weeks of home health care, saying that she hoped the money would inspire others to help the Sullivan family. Now the Area Agency on Aging for West Alabama is providing the family $1,200 from money set aside for caretakers older than age 60. Along with the seed money from Cher, it will cover Sullivan’s home health care through October. Meanwhile, others have donated nearly $450. Cher might be the first to admit that she has not always lived an exemplary life. But there is no denying the good that she has done in helping to publicize Sullivan’s plight. In an age of cold glitz and hot Hollywood scandals, her involvement shows that celebrity can be a positive force as well. We hope it inspires many others to help the Sullivans.

So Jen asks, what did Cher do that was so bad to deserve this little offhand slap? I posit that AL is starting a smear campaign against Cher to discredit her good works in helping the Sullivans. Shame on them.

By the way, her old name is Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre Bono Allman.

A Little Tale of How John Roberts Came to Do Right in this World

Here's what I imagine happened:

As we all know, the Roberts' clan is very talented, dance-wise. I have wondered, here, does John Roberts krump? Well, that's just silly. John Roberts is too old to krump. But he isn't too old to Vogue. Rather, he wasn't too old to Vogue when Vogueing was cool. In fact, JR was something of a Vogueing wunderkind, but he was so old school, so underground, so Old Way, that Madonna didn't tout him on her tour, and he faded out of the scene when he went to DOJ and couldn't really find any good clubs in DC that weren't filled with skinheads and skaterats.

Anyway, years pass, and he gets a call from an old buddy. "JR, honey, we're trying to get rid of that stupid law in Colorado banning bans on discrimination. I recall that you were a lawyer or something, can you give us a hand?" So John pulls his fedora out of the closet and goes on to help win Romer v. Evans. When the briefs are filed and the arguments are made, JR puts the hat back in the closet, changes his phone number, starts shaving against the grain, and hopes to Gawd that those old friends don't tell anyone he helped.

Proof that Alabama Medicaid Did Not Know Who It Was Messing With.

As you know, I have previously touted the wondrous deeds of J. Lav. We all knew it was just a matter of time before Jen brought Alabama's f***ed up Medicaid system to its knees. It turns out that Jen has a secret Superfriend in her battles: CHER. I once saw Mike Dukakis on the street in Boston, but we didn't even make eye contact (at 14, I was already taller than he was).* No celebrity has ever come to my assistance, although now I guess I can claim Jenny Lav as my celebrity helper, since she babysat a few times and even brought a delicious chicken over when the Doodle was born.

Anyway, Cher is a big deal, and I hope that, with Cher's help, Alabama Medicaid comes begging Jen for help in clearing up what is no doubt an awful backlog of denied benefit appeals they've been meaning to grant.

* I do have more recent celebrity sightings than this. For example, my cousin saw Viggo Mortenson at an anti-war rally, holding a poster of Earth or something. Also, Rowan Atkinson took a piece of cauliflower off Brook's plate at the River Cafe in London (not exactly true) and Val Kilmer has 2 daughters, one of whom is a tomboy that looks like Oliver from the Brady Bunch after it jumped the shark. But my friend Virginia sort of passively engineered those sightings, so I feel like maybe she's my celebrity helper, in the sense that she has helped me to see celebrities.

Better than the Matrix Name Generator

You may or may not be this bored: Hobbit Name Generator

I was.

Verily,

Rithralindë High Queen of the Noldor

My second least favorite political party of the day

I am so glad that Libertarians are keeping themselves busy trying to get eminent domain over the Supreme Court Justices' homes while the Prez fiddles and the Constitution burns.

Which reminds me. When I was a kid, my dad ran for Congress on the Libertarian party ticket in Indiana. I have two memories about his candidacy. (1) The head of the state party had one room in his house that was a monkey cage and had a scary monkey; and (2) as part of his campaign, my dad ran in a local bed race but one of the wheels came off before he finished.

You can see why I still cannot stand the Libertarians.

Fight for Your Right to Birdie, Part II

BD points out that there have been other civil rights' victories on the golf course, including Casey Martin's victory* over the PGA Tour for an accommodation to use a golf cart during tournament play. I thought about it some last night (I know, lame) and I think there are a few reasons why golf courses are the loci of civil rights litigation:

1. Golf courses/country clubs have many stupid rules, many of which, when challenged, illustrate how unnecessarily self-regulated golf courses and country clubs are.

2. "Golf course" and "country club" are two of the only phrases that evoke a certain class meaning without additional description. They are "white", "old money", "straight", "healthy" and most of all "rich". Thus, in civil rights discourse and litigation, they are an easy stereotypical "villain". Which does not entirely explain why they get sued more.

3. Except it does. Obviously, in litigation, "rich" = "deep pockets", so that might make them even more attractive. But more importantly, the plaintiffs in these suits are golfers, which like "country club" and "golf course" means that they are "white" and "rich". This means they have the means (financial) to litigate, and the sense of entitlement to dream that they should have access to any golf course in America.

Which I guess is why I have a hard time having my heart strings tugged by these folks, notwithstanding the fact that there victories open the door to so many good outcomes.

*Scalia's dissent discusses "Platonic golf", which, although funny to imagine, demonstrates how far afield of reality Scalia will sometimes go to avoid joining an opinion that acknowledges a statutory or Constitutional right.

A Formal Apology

I am real sorry about all the puns. I can't promise that I will stop, but I regret them even as I type them.

Fight for Your Right to Birdie

Okay, I am totally down with the recent Cal Supremes ruling that domestic partners are entitled to the same discounts afforded to married couples, but since when is golfing a "human right"? Sooth the plaintiff in the recent suit that permits her partner to golf for free just like a married spouse at their country club: "We aren't activists, we aren't politically charged. We just wanted to play golf together and we just really felt we had every human right to do that."

ARGH!! Along with the whole Masters battle about women playing at Augusta (Michelle Wei will walk in next year, which is so third - or is it fourth? - wave feminist), this idea that our human rights battles occur on the golf course makes me sick. I recognize that this is not the most cutting commentary ever, but could we get a friggin' injustice up in here, please?