Alert for California Parents

I hope everyone had a happy holiday. Before you settle in to enjoy the quiet week before the new year, I wanted to bring to everyone's attention some legislation that was slipped out of committee before the CA state legislature went on vacation. California parents may have already suspected that this legislation was in the works but it looks like its headed to a vote in January. Here's the summary:

Bill Number: AB: 1103
Introduced by: Assembly Member Dooley

An Act to Amend section 2003 of the California Family Code, relating to the welfare of children

AB 1103, as introduced, Dooley. Sibling non-proliferation

Existing law provides that parents are entitled to undertake the duties and responsibilities of conceiving and bearing children at a number to be selected by the parties. This bill would enact the “Sibling Non-Proliferation Act”, and its companion legislation, SB 731, the “Birth Order Preservation Act.” These bills codify and authorize the natural tendency of existing offspring to undertake any means to prevent the conception of other offspring, or the practice thereof. This bill is an appropriation, in that it authorizes spending on research and on the acquisition of existing technologies to implement the mandates of AB 1103 and SB 731.

Some of you may not mind this bill; however, the disturbing part of the legislation is that Senator Q. Dooley has managed to get "practice thereof" added to the bill. Hopefully, Schwarzenegger will catch this, as it does apply to him. But Arnold is laid up from a skiing accident and if he's not back to his desk within 30 days of passage, the bill will go into effect. Please call, write or email your state representatives now to object to the Q amendment to this bill! Thanks!

Thanks for Visiting

I was in the mood for another round-up to see what brings y'all to Mock Whiskeyville. It turns out raw bloodlust for The Big Lebowski draws a lot of new readers.

Here are a few recent searches that have brought people to my blog lately:

1. cocaine Hawaii - While not actually a Big Lebowski reference, it might as well be
2. Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.
3. sam's bbq montgomery
4. freezer whisky -tape - huh?
5. I see you rolled your way into the pull the trigger till it goes click - They don't exactly nail it, but you get the point.
6. matrix name maker
7. "jen lav" - I think someone might have an admirer, heh?
8. deos mio man
9. lyrics to i said it's either me or the whiskey
10. sam turano blog -I think someone else might have a French admirer, sil vous plait?
11. aporkalypse - Mmm, yummy.
12. for all you haters
13. Marjorie payne file this please - In this case, I think someone is googling herself, don't you think?

So, except for the lovelorn seekers of FOS (Friends of Scobie), I am a little despondent over the "types" I seem to be attracting. Big Lebowski and Matrix fans? Nerd alert! Maybe I should blog endlessly about The Wire (which I not so secretly wish to do), just to attract a minutely broader audience.*

I can feel a New Year's resolution forming. More John Roberts? Cher? Are the masses really clamoring for Jen Lav and Sam Turano? I will give the people what they want. This is a democratic blog.** More on this later, while I mull my topical options for '07.

*I recognize that essentially invites others to stop reading this blog, so I won't do it. I am just admitting the self-control has been difficult to muster.
** Other than the self-restraint w/r/t The Wire, no, it actually isn't democratic. But people love "democracy" so, you know, give the people what they want.

A Brand New Day

Sometimes, in the darkest night, there is nothing to blog about. For example, Monday, December 18, 2006. That was a dark dark night. Take your toaster to Hawaii? What's wrong with you??(The wedding toaster is not going on vacation with us because it caught on fire two years ago, and Brook was never happy with its toasting capabilities anyway. It's been replaced.)

And then sometimes, you wake up and there is a story that offers so many angles that you don't know where to begin. For example, Miss USA Agrees to Rehab to Preserve Reign. Miss USA, aka Tara Reid, oops, I mean Tara Conner, has agreed to go to rehab so that her crown will not be passed along to Miss Photogenic, or whoever. She is going to rehab, despite the fact that, "'I would not say that I am an alcoholic,' she said, though at times, she said, she was unable to resist drinks offered free to her."

Frankly, the headline was more enticing than the Girls-Gone-Wild-but-only-on-Peach-Schnapps-and-Appletinis sense you get from the article. I was hoping she was meth freak or something. The New York Times, in dabbling with trash journalism, are being a bit demure, I think. If you're going to do celebrity gossip, attribute "occasional cocaine use" to a "social friend" of the subject. Make it worth the compromise in your standards, please.

Another thing: If you were going to have an intervention, and you could call one celebrity in to help, would it be Donald Trump? Why is he involved here? And what kind of democracy is the Miss Universe contest if he can fire and hire Miss Universes at his leisure because they're doing a bad job? Maybe if all the prior Miss Universes got together and said, "Oh no, sister, do not tarnish our crown!" I could see that, but what does The Donald have to do with this.

And then there's this sad ass shit:

Ms. Conner thanked Mr. Trump, her family and others, and noted that she had made a recent promotional appearance at a Target store. “I have wanted this
since I was 13 years old,” she said.

No wonder she's hitting the bottle. If her dreams do not even permit her to transcend Target openings, why stay sober? It's better to black out, and not dream at all.

Ruminations

Here are some things I am chewing over - like this stale gummi bear in my mouth - before I go to bed:

1. Do you think that's just a persona that Pauly Shore created, to get attention? And that actually he's a pretty mellow, calm and normal-speaking guy? Is he related to some other famous person?

2. My Christmas tree ornament collection has accrued in spurts. 1978 was a big year, so was 2002. One sub-collection I have is of ornaments made by my "crafting" aunt; you can tell which years she hit the sauce before she made the ornaments. 1992-94 and 1996 are definite in that category. They are all little hearts painted with violets. Why do I continue to place these on the back of the tree, rather than in the garbage?

3. 2002 was the year we got married. Brook joked today that we should take our coffee maker on an anniversary vacation with us next year. What other wedding gifts could I bring with us? Maybe I could try to fit in my wedding dress and then wear it every day of the vacation, like Ms. Haversham on holiday.

4. I really need to go to bed. One of these days, I promise I will read or do something that warrants a post that is not a stew of discombobulated thoughts. Til then....

More of What You Want

The Readers are clamoring for more artisanal marshmallows. What are they? You say. And Why didn't Mr. Scobie even notice them at the wedding?

I'll answer the latter question first: He was too busy waving his hands in the air like he just don't care, is why. It was a regular dance party, people, and you know he has to get his groove on.

I don't have much to say about artisanal marshmallows other than "delish" and that they sort of look like tofu from across the dance floor. But others have weighed in, including CandyBlog, Angry Chicken, and AAA (scroll down). Yeah, that triple A, so they aren't really a big secret, it turns out.

Update

Hey, folks, sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. We were in NYC all weekend and before that, I was in panic attack mode for no discernible reason. Here are some disconnected thoughts from over the past week, in no particular order:

1. There were follow-up suggestions to the placenta question, but I had a reader literally call me on the telephone to tell me, "Stop with the placentas." So you're on your own now, research-wise.

2. Here's something you wouldn't think needs repeating, but I will say it anyway: Just because your fanny pack is made out of a really cute material does not make it acceptable. It's still a fanny pack and you look like an idiot when you wear one.

3. I saw a T-shirt that said Slacker on it that I bet cost about $140, and the guy wearing it has never slacked at anything in his life, I am sure. Except possibly self-criticism.

4. Season 4 of The Wire is over.

5. I went to a wedding this weekend that had artisanal marshmallows at the reception. Who knew? Anyhow, they were "delish" (as is my son, per a woman on the flight home).

The Placenta Q & A

Q: How many placentas are out there, getting freezerburn?
A: Isn't one too many?

Q: No, really, how many?
A: Not sure, but possibly a lot.

Q: What does it "say" about the people that live here that they bring their placentas home but then don't eat them?
A: It "says" that they are either (1) smarter than they initially seem or (2) sheep, willingly following the dumbest hippie advice at its first whisper, and then, when the whisper has been carried off by the wind, ashamed enough only to seek anonymous help.

Q: So what's the advice on dealing with a placenta that's been in a freezer too long?
A: It's a real grab bag of stuff you'd expect and one you might not expect.

Q: Are you stalling because this isn't funny anymore?
A: No, I just want you to savor this. And that's not a pun about eating placenta, although that is one thing you can do with it.

Q: What else can you do with it?
A: You can return it to the hospital. You cannot return it the hospital. You can bury it in the park in the dark (where it may grow into Clark, from One Fish Two Fish). You can bury it at an organic farm, or a friend's house, or at your house. And then plant a tree over it, and have the buyers of your house send you a picture of the tree every few years. You can donate it to a high school science teacher. "Science teachers love that stuff!"

Q: Anything else?
A: Yeah, you can just leave it there and forget what it is and every few months, someone in the family can pull it out and everyone groans and gets grossed out and in it goes again. In this case, you just write sympathetic posts to other placenta-keepers. The only OTHER thing to do with it is write a song about it. That sound would have these lyrics:

yeah babe i just gotta tell ya
wanna eat your placenta
it'll make ya feel like a tiger
and looks like brownschweiger...

Which is the best idea yet.

Thomas Avenue Crime Spree

There have been a rash of thefts from the front yards on our block. APB out on the following items:

1. a metal yard chair from the 50's painted purple, fun & whimsical from a front yard

2. two cement "balls" from a porch

3. bonsai tree from a porch

What is the design aesthetic of this thief? And how do we thank him/her?

Up the street, there's an art school, and I have strong suspicion that someone's fall semester final sculpture project will feature a whimsical purple chair, two cement balls and a bonsai tree.