God Spam

This is not my new band name or anything. It's a new trend that I've noticed. A lot of the spam I get is Christian or religious or something. I got one today, subject heading: "Have you been saved?" Often they are just rambling End Times garble. I don't open them so I don't know if they are actually religious or whether they are supposed to appeal to my inner-sinner-in-need-of-redemption/conspiracy theorist, and then when I open them, its just another V1a6ra pitch.

I (heart) Art!

I just want to pimp my girl's show over here:

Kate has this piece (now I've gone and ruined it for you) in the Obscene Soft Sounds show at Wallspace Gallery, 619 W. 27th Street, NYNY.

It opens Saturday, I think. Go. Act like you want to buy it, and then scoff that it isn't priced high enough. Promise to come back later with more money. If there's a little sign that says, "Sold," ask: "Are there more? This is lovely. Who is this ingenue?"

OR, act like you cannot believe that the reclusive Kate Costello has finally agreed to put another piece on the market. Compare her loudly to Salinger. Say, "Well, it certainly was worth the wait!"

Fres-Yes! Correction

It has been graciously pointed out to me that the correct term is Tule fog, not Tulare fog. This helps explain why I had the nagging feeling that the fog had something to do with elk. I had attributed the association to the road weariness but it turns out, I'm not crazy. Thanks, Dee-Dub.

A Very Dangerous Innovation

I have figured out how to post to my blog via email. This is probably going to result in many random, no-so-funny postings sent from my blackberry. Lucky you. It’s a good thing for me (and probably you too) that I don’t drink heavily, so there won’t be too many/any drunk-blogging episodes.

 

I don’t have much to say today; I just wanted to bring you current on my technological righteousness, or whatever this is.

Emporium of Prosthetic Noses

Do you think Nancy Pelosi and Courtney Love meant to get the same nose? Was it on sale?

Courtney Love is such a mess here, with her face sliding all over the place, that it may be hard for you to see that the tip of her nose is notched in the same exact way as Cryptkeeper-I-mean-Speaker Pelosi's. Just trust me.

If we can put a rover on Mars, and create babies in a test tube, how come we cannot invent a realistic-looking fake nose? This shows there's a market out there for them.

Fresno? Fres-Yes!

What was the best part of today? It was a day just bursting with candidates for the part:

Was it:

• That moment in the shower at 5:40 am when I thought Am I a Supermom. . . or a fucking idiot?
• The terrifying Tulare fog* that engulfed the highway between Los Banos and Chowchilla at 7 a.m.?
• The dog on the road stripe on Kamm Ave in Kingsburg, just lickin' his butt and making it seem all the more Children of the Corn than it already felt. Although Children of the Raisin would probably be more appropriate.**
• The mouth-watering, buttery sweet donut I ate while waiting to settle this arbitration I had today? . . . Oh, wait, that actually was the best part.
• One-handed pumping at 70 m.p.h?
• Taking Q to the doctor again for some other ailment-that-has-no-treatment (aka A Cold) while I also breathe in short wispy half-breaths that sound like Arthur Digby Sellers*** in The Big Lebowski?

What the hell am I talking about? It should be obvious now that my brain is totally addled from driving to Fresburg at ass-o-clock this morning, only to settle a case in literally 20 minutes, hang out for another hour and then driving back. I can't even think straight but I've got many things to say.

Do you know how many "homes for hip-hip and R&B" there are between Oakland and Fresno? Many. But not as many as there are Spanish language/Christian/Spanish Christian radio stations. If you set your radio on AutoScan, you can hear Jesus' name once every 4 seconds. It would make a great drinking game, if one weren't driving in the car. Drink once for Jesus, drink twice for "the Low-erd".

I wonder whether we bombed any actual Al Qaeda terrorists in Somalia or whether they were just the "Islamists" blamed with destroying Somalia's government, that Somalia's government shrewdly sold out to the U.S.? What role did the U.S. play in helping Ethiopia roll into Somalia to oust the aforementioned Islamists? Ethiopia is in the Coalition of the Willing.

Glenn Loury: smart person. I listened to News & Notes this afternoon, and the discussion was very interesting and news-based, and then the topic turned to questions about the suicide of "Wash" Washington, the popular black mayor of a predominantly white town in Louisiana. One of the other panelists was willing to go off about racism and a culture of fear about bad investigations (based on CSI or something), but Loury was just so annoyed that this news was being played as scintillating and gossipy. On one hand, Loury seemed genuinely upset that this man's death was being chewed over like celebrity gristle; on the other hand, he was swift to point out that racism exists at a deeper level than just this one Lake Charles coroner, and wanted to know why this story was "the racism story" as opposed to a thoughtful discussion about prisons or welfare or other arenas where real news happens but NPR (or other media) isn't particularly interested in highlighting. Anyway. My recap here is taking longer than the segment lasted but I just wanted to give Loury credit for his analysis and for the actual emotion he invested in it.

If I had any other thoughts, they are gone now. I'll leave you with three footnotes. Sorry if you already read them. Go ahead and re-read them; they will help you feel nostalgic about the original post.

* This link does tulare fog no justice. "Tulare fog" is a NoCal term of art, and I am not sure of the origin. It's a dense, very low fog where visibility is limited to probably under 500 feet. On winter mornings, they settle onto the highway and make driving very difficult. It eclipses the sun. It's very End Times, just like the rest of the Central Valley. This doesn't stop the locals from going 70 miles an hour.
** Selma, CA, or possibly Fresno, is the Raisin Capital of The World. The Whole World. All seven continents. That includes every US territory, protectorate and the ENTIRE former U.S.S.R. Also, New Zealand. That's the Sheep Capital. And it's a good thing they are far apart, because, can you imagine the damage all those sheep could do to all those grapevines?
***The guy in the Iron Lung, folks. Larry's dad.

I'm Sick

I really don't feel well tonight, and my bloggahrea has abandoned me. Sorry about that. I might experiment with mobile blogging so I can share my innermost thoughts all the time. Note to self: Learn mobile blogging. That can be a New Year's sub-aspiration.

Isn't it interesting how quickly the good new year cheer wears off? Last week, I said Happy New Years to everyone. Today, I was taken by surprise when someone said it to me. It's like 2007 is already played out.

Isn't this a funny picture? He's actually way cuter than this; I just think this is hilarious. It's sort of how he takes the world in. Life can be so startling when you are tiny.

Not About The Wire, I Swear

Okay, it really is, but only by way of Homicide: A Year On The Killing Streets, which I finished last night. David Simon spent a year "embedded" with the Baltimore Police Homicide Department and writes it up as a noir-ish march through a year of crack war murders. If you ever watched the TV show Homicide, you recognize plots almost verbatim in the book. How does Homicide (the book) compare to The Wire? The way almost all of Don Delillo's novels presaged Underworld. I happen to think The Wire is tighter than Underworld, and better written, and more. . .

I can't find the right word here. Underworld, despite traveling to former Soviet republics and back in time, seems a little provincial in its themes, compared to The Wire.

Anyway, the reason I started this post was to extol The Wire, and David Simon, for a different reason, which is, the ways in which The Wire pays homage to real people who might otherwise be lost to history. In Homicide, near the end, one of the detectives oversees the autopsy of a two-year old boy who was beaten to death by his mother's boyfriend. It's apparent from the autopsy that there was sexual abuse as well. I won't get more graphic than that. The boy's name is Michael.

Simon's memory is so long, and his imagination is so broad, that that fact leapt off the page and smacked me. Unromantically, Simon imagines, in The Wire, who that boy might have become, if he'd lived. Similarly, there is mention, in Homicide, of a soldier/killer named Dennis Wise. In The Wire, Simon imagines who Wise might have become after his incarceration, with more hope than Simon is usually credited with having about human nature.

Homicide was the methadone for my Wire-withdrawal I had hoped it would be. I might need to go back and re-read The Night Gardener. One influence I think Pelecanos had on The Wire was to reel in the personal drama of Kima and McNulty. I think these characters were brought down to earth to reflect Pelecanos' idea that not all cops are hard-drinking, hard-fighting assholes. In The Night Gardener, Gus Ramone is a good detective with a loving home life who tries to be a good father. It's that simple. But he's still a compelling character. I don't think McNulty is going to become McNutty again next season. I think Simon realizes you can have great characters who don't have monstrous problems.

Anyway, sorry to those of you who don't care about this show. I just gotta get it off my chest every now and again. Check back later for more non-Wire frivolity.

My New Addiction

Check out Etsy. I only found it a half hour ago and I have already bought two things. I found it via The Kim Family Benefit Auction (Thanks Seamus) which also has many beautiful things for a good good cause. If you sign on to Etsy, tell them alaiacona referred you. I don't actually know what will happen if you tell them that, but I am interested in finding out. Also, I think Dan McAdam and Andy Gregg and possibly others should sell through Etsy, so, dear reader, if you talk to one of those guys soon, tell them I said so. Or you can just go to their websites and buy directly.

Brain Dump UPDATED

A few things I have been thinking about:

1. It really annoys me that Kanye West often uses the same word at the end of a "rhyme", rather than trying to actually rhyme it with something else. He does this all the time, at least on his first album, and I find it really distracting. Here are a couple of examples:

From Through the Wire
How do you console my mom or give her light support
When you telling her your sons' on life support

From Family Business
Somebody please say grace so I can save face
And have a reason to cover my face

And you don't wanna stay there cuz them your worst cousins
Got roaches at their crib like them your first cousins
Act like you ain't took a bath with your cousins

From We Don't Care
Scratchin lottery tickets Eyes on a new house
Around the same time Doe ran up in dudes house

I recognize that the second to last word is different, but then so are all the other ones. It just annoys me.

2. Driving in the Safeway parking lot near our house gives me perspective on how people in other countries, particularly underdeveloped countries, manage to drive when there is lax enforcement of laws affecting motorists. You just do what you have to do to get out alive. It's actually safer than driving anywhere else in the Bay Area, where drivers don't seem to care if they get out alive. For example, in Berkeley, I have often seem people floor their car backwards out of their driveway into traffic. I hate these people.

3. Although the window for end-of-the-year giving has passed, I have been thinking about how there are very few charities that exist that can actually make social change. Because of tax laws, and other reasons, charities can only be geared towards treating symptoms of social disease, and can never address the underlying problems. Given the total clusterf*** that most charities are, I would not necessarily leave social change in their hands. But when deciding who should get a donation, I feel like I am buying Tylenol and chicken soup for a problem that needs antibiotics or even chemotherapy. On a related note, I found two interesting websites: Charity Navigator and Trent Stamp's Take, which pleasingly holds back no punches on individual charities. Becker-Posner Blog talks about this stuff today too, so I guess Judge Posner and I were both doing our end-of-the-year checks this past weekend.

Okay, now that I have all that out of my system. . .

4. New Year's Resolutions. Did you make any? I almost never do. I consider it as sign of my own honesty to myself. I am probably not going to change very much, and certainly not in a substantial enough way to satisfy something as specific as a New Year's resolution. I have some New Year's aspirations though. I would like to blog more. Here's a reach: I would like to join the Y, or at a minimum, start doing some crunches so that my baby belly bag starts to go away. I would like Quinn to start sleeping through the night. I would like Liam to stay in his own bed, quietly all night. In other words, I am going to make New Year's resolutions for other people, whom I am legally permitted to make resolutions for.

Serious Retrofit

Just before Christmas, we had a series of small-but-scaryish earthquakes, centered at the Hayward Fault, which runs probably 75-100 feet behind our house, or thereabouts. California natives might pooh-pooh our east-coast squeamishness about these 3.7 quakes, but I just want you to see what it did to our gingerbread house: major cracks in two walls, and liquifaction in the stucco near the front door. Luckily we had lots of icing and mini-marshmallows to shore up the foundation, plus Liam ate the whole thing the next day, but still, it was serious.

This Just About Sums It All Up

From today's New York Times' Science Times article on free will:

A bevy of experiments in recent years suggest that the conscious mind is like a monkey riding a tiger of subconscious decisions and actions in progress, frantically making up stories about being in control.

Put aside the illogic of that metaphor and just bask in its Truth.

Berkeley CA - Taint of the East Bay

Sometimes I go out looking for reasons to hate Berkeley - reading the Parents Network Advice newsletters, actually going to Berkeley - and sometimes the reasons just come to me.

The other day I read Rats, by Robert Sullivan, an enjoyable read by a writer I like. So good, I breezed through it.* Anyway, in the Afterword to the paperback, Sullivan talks about his book tour, and how he repeatedly had to reassure folks that his focus is wild rats, not "fancy" rats, i.e. pet rats, and that he doesn't hate fancy rats, in fact, he just isn't concerned with them. But you know that Berkeley people need to take this to a whole different level. He's too polite to say it, but it's clear that when he came to do a reading in Berkeley, nine people actually showed up to protest his book, believing (without reading even the subtitle of the book) that Sullivan hates fancy rats and wants them all eliminated. It's just so embarrassing what they'll protest over there.

* Full disclosure: Robert's mom was my high school English teacher. She was pretty much my favorite teacher, and I have been a big fan of Robert's books, starting with Meadowlands, which I think is his best, but that's possibly for sentimental, New Jersey reasons.

Alert for California Parents

I hope everyone had a happy holiday. Before you settle in to enjoy the quiet week before the new year, I wanted to bring to everyone's attention some legislation that was slipped out of committee before the CA state legislature went on vacation. California parents may have already suspected that this legislation was in the works but it looks like its headed to a vote in January. Here's the summary:

Bill Number: AB: 1103
Introduced by: Assembly Member Dooley

An Act to Amend section 2003 of the California Family Code, relating to the welfare of children

AB 1103, as introduced, Dooley. Sibling non-proliferation

Existing law provides that parents are entitled to undertake the duties and responsibilities of conceiving and bearing children at a number to be selected by the parties. This bill would enact the “Sibling Non-Proliferation Act”, and its companion legislation, SB 731, the “Birth Order Preservation Act.” These bills codify and authorize the natural tendency of existing offspring to undertake any means to prevent the conception of other offspring, or the practice thereof. This bill is an appropriation, in that it authorizes spending on research and on the acquisition of existing technologies to implement the mandates of AB 1103 and SB 731.

Some of you may not mind this bill; however, the disturbing part of the legislation is that Senator Q. Dooley has managed to get "practice thereof" added to the bill. Hopefully, Schwarzenegger will catch this, as it does apply to him. But Arnold is laid up from a skiing accident and if he's not back to his desk within 30 days of passage, the bill will go into effect. Please call, write or email your state representatives now to object to the Q amendment to this bill! Thanks!

Thanks for Visiting

I was in the mood for another round-up to see what brings y'all to Mock Whiskeyville. It turns out raw bloodlust for The Big Lebowski draws a lot of new readers.

Here are a few recent searches that have brought people to my blog lately:

1. cocaine Hawaii - While not actually a Big Lebowski reference, it might as well be
2. Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.
3. sam's bbq montgomery
4. freezer whisky -tape - huh?
5. I see you rolled your way into the pull the trigger till it goes click - They don't exactly nail it, but you get the point.
6. matrix name maker
7. "jen lav" - I think someone might have an admirer, heh?
8. deos mio man
9. lyrics to i said it's either me or the whiskey
10. sam turano blog -I think someone else might have a French admirer, sil vous plait?
11. aporkalypse - Mmm, yummy.
12. for all you haters
13. Marjorie payne file this please - In this case, I think someone is googling herself, don't you think?

So, except for the lovelorn seekers of FOS (Friends of Scobie), I am a little despondent over the "types" I seem to be attracting. Big Lebowski and Matrix fans? Nerd alert! Maybe I should blog endlessly about The Wire (which I not so secretly wish to do), just to attract a minutely broader audience.*

I can feel a New Year's resolution forming. More John Roberts? Cher? Are the masses really clamoring for Jen Lav and Sam Turano? I will give the people what they want. This is a democratic blog.** More on this later, while I mull my topical options for '07.

*I recognize that essentially invites others to stop reading this blog, so I won't do it. I am just admitting the self-control has been difficult to muster.
** Other than the self-restraint w/r/t The Wire, no, it actually isn't democratic. But people love "democracy" so, you know, give the people what they want.

A Brand New Day

Sometimes, in the darkest night, there is nothing to blog about. For example, Monday, December 18, 2006. That was a dark dark night. Take your toaster to Hawaii? What's wrong with you??(The wedding toaster is not going on vacation with us because it caught on fire two years ago, and Brook was never happy with its toasting capabilities anyway. It's been replaced.)

And then sometimes, you wake up and there is a story that offers so many angles that you don't know where to begin. For example, Miss USA Agrees to Rehab to Preserve Reign. Miss USA, aka Tara Reid, oops, I mean Tara Conner, has agreed to go to rehab so that her crown will not be passed along to Miss Photogenic, or whoever. She is going to rehab, despite the fact that, "'I would not say that I am an alcoholic,' she said, though at times, she said, she was unable to resist drinks offered free to her."

Frankly, the headline was more enticing than the Girls-Gone-Wild-but-only-on-Peach-Schnapps-and-Appletinis sense you get from the article. I was hoping she was meth freak or something. The New York Times, in dabbling with trash journalism, are being a bit demure, I think. If you're going to do celebrity gossip, attribute "occasional cocaine use" to a "social friend" of the subject. Make it worth the compromise in your standards, please.

Another thing: If you were going to have an intervention, and you could call one celebrity in to help, would it be Donald Trump? Why is he involved here? And what kind of democracy is the Miss Universe contest if he can fire and hire Miss Universes at his leisure because they're doing a bad job? Maybe if all the prior Miss Universes got together and said, "Oh no, sister, do not tarnish our crown!" I could see that, but what does The Donald have to do with this.

And then there's this sad ass shit:

Ms. Conner thanked Mr. Trump, her family and others, and noted that she had made a recent promotional appearance at a Target store. “I have wanted this
since I was 13 years old,” she said.

No wonder she's hitting the bottle. If her dreams do not even permit her to transcend Target openings, why stay sober? It's better to black out, and not dream at all.

Ruminations

Here are some things I am chewing over - like this stale gummi bear in my mouth - before I go to bed:

1. Do you think that's just a persona that Pauly Shore created, to get attention? And that actually he's a pretty mellow, calm and normal-speaking guy? Is he related to some other famous person?

2. My Christmas tree ornament collection has accrued in spurts. 1978 was a big year, so was 2002. One sub-collection I have is of ornaments made by my "crafting" aunt; you can tell which years she hit the sauce before she made the ornaments. 1992-94 and 1996 are definite in that category. They are all little hearts painted with violets. Why do I continue to place these on the back of the tree, rather than in the garbage?

3. 2002 was the year we got married. Brook joked today that we should take our coffee maker on an anniversary vacation with us next year. What other wedding gifts could I bring with us? Maybe I could try to fit in my wedding dress and then wear it every day of the vacation, like Ms. Haversham on holiday.

4. I really need to go to bed. One of these days, I promise I will read or do something that warrants a post that is not a stew of discombobulated thoughts. Til then....

More of What You Want

The Readers are clamoring for more artisanal marshmallows. What are they? You say. And Why didn't Mr. Scobie even notice them at the wedding?

I'll answer the latter question first: He was too busy waving his hands in the air like he just don't care, is why. It was a regular dance party, people, and you know he has to get his groove on.

I don't have much to say about artisanal marshmallows other than "delish" and that they sort of look like tofu from across the dance floor. But others have weighed in, including CandyBlog, Angry Chicken, and AAA (scroll down). Yeah, that triple A, so they aren't really a big secret, it turns out.

Update

Hey, folks, sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. We were in NYC all weekend and before that, I was in panic attack mode for no discernible reason. Here are some disconnected thoughts from over the past week, in no particular order:

1. There were follow-up suggestions to the placenta question, but I had a reader literally call me on the telephone to tell me, "Stop with the placentas." So you're on your own now, research-wise.

2. Here's something you wouldn't think needs repeating, but I will say it anyway: Just because your fanny pack is made out of a really cute material does not make it acceptable. It's still a fanny pack and you look like an idiot when you wear one.

3. I saw a T-shirt that said Slacker on it that I bet cost about $140, and the guy wearing it has never slacked at anything in his life, I am sure. Except possibly self-criticism.

4. Season 4 of The Wire is over.

5. I went to a wedding this weekend that had artisanal marshmallows at the reception. Who knew? Anyhow, they were "delish" (as is my son, per a woman on the flight home).

The Placenta Q & A

Q: How many placentas are out there, getting freezerburn?
A: Isn't one too many?

Q: No, really, how many?
A: Not sure, but possibly a lot.

Q: What does it "say" about the people that live here that they bring their placentas home but then don't eat them?
A: It "says" that they are either (1) smarter than they initially seem or (2) sheep, willingly following the dumbest hippie advice at its first whisper, and then, when the whisper has been carried off by the wind, ashamed enough only to seek anonymous help.

Q: So what's the advice on dealing with a placenta that's been in a freezer too long?
A: It's a real grab bag of stuff you'd expect and one you might not expect.

Q: Are you stalling because this isn't funny anymore?
A: No, I just want you to savor this. And that's not a pun about eating placenta, although that is one thing you can do with it.

Q: What else can you do with it?
A: You can return it to the hospital. You cannot return it the hospital. You can bury it in the park in the dark (where it may grow into Clark, from One Fish Two Fish). You can bury it at an organic farm, or a friend's house, or at your house. And then plant a tree over it, and have the buyers of your house send you a picture of the tree every few years. You can donate it to a high school science teacher. "Science teachers love that stuff!"

Q: Anything else?
A: Yeah, you can just leave it there and forget what it is and every few months, someone in the family can pull it out and everyone groans and gets grossed out and in it goes again. In this case, you just write sympathetic posts to other placenta-keepers. The only OTHER thing to do with it is write a song about it. That sound would have these lyrics:

yeah babe i just gotta tell ya
wanna eat your placenta
it'll make ya feel like a tiger
and looks like brownschweiger...

Which is the best idea yet.

Thomas Avenue Crime Spree

There have been a rash of thefts from the front yards on our block. APB out on the following items:

1. a metal yard chair from the 50's painted purple, fun & whimsical from a front yard

2. two cement "balls" from a porch

3. bonsai tree from a porch

What is the design aesthetic of this thief? And how do we thank him/her?

Up the street, there's an art school, and I have strong suspicion that someone's fall semester final sculpture project will feature a whimsical purple chair, two cement balls and a bonsai tree.

Ask and I Shall Receive

Just a few minutes after my call for news, I got this email from my fave cuz:

Fake novelist in your 'hood! according to the SFGate, the former JT Leroy is a waitress in Rockridge: "These days, she is out of the literary limelight and back pocketing tips on the night shift at Soi 4, a Thai restaurant in Oakland's Rockridge district." how exciting!

Which incarnation of JT Leroy, though? It's the person who was dressing as JT, not the person writing as JT. Something you can take from this article is that Savannah Knoop is almost as annoying as JT Leroy, which I didn't think was possible.

We get Soi4 take out all the time, and the owner's kid goes to Broccoli Montessori. I am annoyed that I have only 1 degree of separation from this twit.

Help!

I am at that point on my To Do list where everything has been on there for two weeks, or will take more than 10 minutes to complete, and therefore I cannot Do it. SO, I am trolling the internet and my readers for good stories. Here's one. They pulled a naked crackhead out of the jaws of an alligator down in Florida. Begrudgingly, it seems. "He admitted that he'd been smoking crack cocaine. But still, it's a human life," (The sherriff) said at a news conference. "Our deputies don't ask questions, they respond and they save people." That's big of them.

Also, ho hum, Britney Spears is hanging out with Paris Hilton, either cutting in half or doubling the number of disaster-prone moments that Us Weekly can cover.

A Point That Bears Repeating

It's the holiday season, so I just wanted to remind everyone: Do They Know It's Christmas Time? is such a stupid song. I heard an a capella version the other day on the radio (I was trying to change lanes, so I couldn't change the station) and just thought, again, "They may or may not know, but they certainly don't give a shit."

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life(Oooh)
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

I doubt you need me to chronicle the ways in which this is stupid. You've already done it yourself annually for the past 20 years. But it's that time of year again, so in your festive spirits, do not forget to be angry about the absurdity of these lyrics. Happy Holidays.

Shooting Fish in a Barrel

Here's your BPN post o' the day:

How to properly dispose of placenta in freezer

We took our baby's placenta home in the hopes of planting it under a tree, forgetting that we are renters with no backyard.Now, it's in our freezer and I wanted advice about proper disposal (it's considered biohazardous waste). Can we take it back to Kaiser? Other ideas? needing freezer space back

What.were.they.thinking.exactly? And what do they need the freezer back for? Thanksgiving leftovers? You made your bed, placenta-keepers, and now you need to sleep in it.

In other news, I saw a truck today that said

Crime Scene Clean-up, Inc. Homicide Suicide Accidental Death 24 Hour Service

Good to know that's out there, I guess.

Not much going on otherwise. I am wiped out from all this work and kids and sh*t.

Outraged Defense of a Friend

The other day, I directed you to read a piece concerning a certain Toothbrush-of-the-Month Club, written by our pal Jay Wexler. You probably nodded your head throughout, thinking, my toothbrush is stanky, I could totally use a toothbrush-a-month.

Well, this hater just doesn't get it. OF COURSE, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE IS CANADIAN! How else would they give voice to the inner yearnings of Americans? There are several problems with "Z.D. Smith's" doubt-a-rama. First of all, Canadians understand Americans (and by this, I mean, United-States-of-Americans) better than Americans do. Second, FBOFW is about the human condition, not about national identity. Finally, Canadians live on the continent of North America, thus making them American. Sheesh. So fear not the unlikelihood of tenure, Jay Wexler. Your piece on the shits-and-giggles of the SCOTUS doomed that long ago.

Your Little Dose of Methadone

I've been getting some complaints about my absence from the blog. I didn't even realize it had been a week. One reader suggested that I get an assistant to handle things at work, to free me up to write. It's a great idea, but, really its an unfunded mandate. Plus, this week the blog could practically write itself. OJ? Kramer? Riot Grrl mothering? So very much to annoy me, so little time.

Brook and I will be unveiling our "Smile Rockridge" campaign any day now, so check back for updates. We welcome designs for T-shirts, bumper stickers (preferably along the lines of "I heart smiles and I heart Rockridge and I vote" or somesuch), etc. I was thinking maybe we could draw the library into it, make a read-a-thon part of the celebration. But that might just be because I love read-a-thons. For those of you who don't live in the neighborhood, here's the issue: We live in possibly the nicest place on the planet, in one of its nicest neighborhoods, and people on the street refuse to smile or make eye contact. They aggressive frown at you when you walk by them. It's a very walkable place too, so we get frowned at a lot. We cannot figure out what's going on. So in addition to a design contest and a read-a-thon, Smile Rockridge (tm) also welcomes psychoanalysis. A therapy- in, if you will. I think the kick-off week for this campaign is off to a great start and I welcome your comments and suggestions.

Toothbrushes

Toothbrushes toothbrushes toothbrushes.

By the way, is Lincoln Chafee going to go back to being a blacksmith now??

Tummy Grumbles to Paladar T

Paladar Temescal gets a mention in the LA Times in an article on underground restaurants. Congratulations, Melissa and Hannah! Great job this weekend!

Children, Acting Nice

To compensate for the hundreds of times I have forbidden Liam from touching Quinn, I let him hold the baby on his lap this morning. Here's the result:


I learned today that two acquaintances, totally separate and unrelated, had committed suicide. I've also learned other sad things this week, which made me feel old, and, at the same time, naive. I'm being intentionally vague, and mention all this just to say, take care of the ones you love and love them. Thanks.

Thanks But No Thanks

There are problem hundreds of reasons why the Democrats won big yesterday. I am almost certain that this book, Why Mommy Is A Democrat, helped very little. Even with a portion of the sales going to help Democratic candidates.

A New Day

It looks like “Art” did his part, and helped sweep the Dems into power. Very big heavy sighs of relief. This may be the first time that the homophobia of evangelical Christians helped get Democrats elected. The news was reporting that voters were concerned about “corruption” but, like the “values” voters of 2004, this is a code word for homa-sexuals. Only this time, the gays are Republican, and the bans on gay marriage propositions reminded nut-wingers to vote Democrat, as the party of non-pedophiliac, non-methhead gays.

This morning I heard John Tester call Iraq a “quagmire” and Harry Reid called it a “morass”, words no Dem would use yesterday. Well, let’s call it like we see it and be honest now. Very good very good.

May Election Season Never End

I cannot tell you how much I love this story. If this were in a novel, you'd be, like, yeah right. So much hypocrisy. I really hope it torpedoes Colorado's dumb anti-gay-marriage ballot measure. And with Rev. Ted Haggard calling himself "Art" for the purposes of his meth-fueled trysts, I wonder, How does one choose a nom de perv? Is it like the old "Porn Name" game, where you take your first pet's name and the street you grew up on to figure out what you'd be called if you made adult movies. Depending on the pet, and the street, I could be "Frick and Frack Rural Route 4" or "Raindrop Oakland" or, best of all, "Flynn Kimbark", which sounds more like my Lady and the Tramp 3: Bow Wow Wow (straight to video) name.

Anyway, I digress. Maybe Art is somehow a nod to The Naughty Reverend's defense that he never really did meth. He just, you know, wanted to see what it felt like to buy it. It was an experience that he needed so that he could dance about it. Or translate in Chiaro-oscuro or whatever his particular medium is. Or maybe Art was the father of a childhood friend, who was a police officer that Haggard always looked up to, and Haggard wanted to follow into public service, and now, when he's not ministering to his 14,000 member flock, he goes undercover to help do drug and sex-ring busts for, but he can't tell that part of the story yet, because that would hurt an ongoing investigation.

Whatever it is, it's clear we have not heard the whole story yet.

Happy Halloween

Here's picture of Liam in his Starfish costume (belly-up view). I hope everyone has a fun, unegged day.

Lest you get the impression I am working hard

Not much going on - you know, I'm still chewing on last night's Wire episode - but I thought I'd share a couple of things.

First, I think you will come back to this repeatedly.

Second, did you know that Snuffleupagus's first name was Aloysius? Read the wikipedia entry on why adults can now see Snuffy. It's quelle disturbing when you find out Sesame Street is keeping it real.

Please Forgive Me, Mr. Simmons

It turns out that if you Google "I'd love to read a book that traces the history and trends of various names," the first two hits are for Bill Simmons' original column and then my blog. I know this because someone did, in fact, google that sentence. God knows why.

Anyway, aside from being sort of star-struck by my place in that particular line, I am now worried that SportsGuy is going to find out I reprinted part of his column and then sue me. So, Mr. Simmons, if you find your way to this blog (more likely now that I have written your name several times), let me explain: Yours was really a funny column, made funnier by the fact that I have a kid named Liam. HA! "Liam D." if you will.

Other things you should know about me: I love The Wire, and I read your whole book, start to finish, in about 3 consecutive nights. I interrupted a sleep-inducing Sudoku mania to read the whole thing. The hardcover version, which I had bought for my husband. How about that? HOW CAN YOU SUE ME AFTER ALL THAT?

The Mail Bag

A Dear Reader writes:

Dear Drea,

I visited your blog today and read the discussion about postings on BPN. Naturally, my first thought was: "WTF is BPN?" So I did a search on Google and came up with:

1. Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals. The manufacturer of Enzyte, "the original once-daily tablet for natural male enhancement." The posts you were discussing seemed to fit, but then I thought: "Why would Drea be visiting the Enzyte site?" I mean, I've seen the photo of Brook with the 70's mustache and no one with a mustache that awesome could be having trouble "down there."

2. The Butane-Propane News. Butane? Propane? In your teens you may
have huffed chemicals from paper sacks in New Jersey basements. But Butane? Propane? Too flammable! And, I bet, you don't do that anymore.

3. Banco Português Negócios. Could Drea be laundering money for Bay-area organic milk cooperatives? Maybe? But why would an opinionated hooker be hanging around a Portuguese bank website? Oh wait. Where else would someone go after turning tricks in Macau? Still, that just didn't seem like the answer. Why would Banco Português Negócios have a chat room on their website for milk-money launderers and hookers? Doesn't make sense.

4. Berkeley Parents Network. Oh. That must be it.

Maybe you should publish a glossary of terms and abbreviations so folks like me don't have to devote a half hour to figuring out WTF you're talking about.

Thanks, Reader. You found BPN but for the rest of you, here's a supplemental glossary for understanding this blog:

WTF = What the Fuck?

MIL = Mother-in-law, i.e. someone who does not like that I occasionally use the word "F" on my blog. I would like to just reassure my MIL that I did not then, and do not now, huff chemicals. Ick.

'stache= mustache, an inexplicably frequent topic here at Scobie's.

A Fresh Breath of Sanity and/or Realpolitik

You don't even need the initial post, or the title, to figure out what this BPN post concerns:

I'm a married man at least ten years your junior, and I cantell you are getting more than your average share of intimacyfrom your wife. Also, you're not doing enough around the house. You sound like a complainer. Grow up, start acting like a man (make sacrifices), be happy and love your wife.

Heh, heh. I wonder if Junior even lives in Alameda County. On the topic, here's another voice of reason:

You had my sympathy, more or less, up until that last line: ''I’vesuffered from low self-esteem but getting rejected 6 out of 7days in literally killing me.'' Sex once a week may be frequent,or infrequent, depending on the couple; getting pestered EVERYDAY about it is going to be a huge turn off.

And then there is the "put the fear of God in my heart" post:

This is as much a heads-up to the many moms who post about their reduced sex drive as well as a specific reply to the gentlemanwho posted the query. I'm answering as a single mom in my 40's who is also unashamedly a part-time ''provider''--I advertise on Craigslist--I'm paid for sex and companionship by men from 25 to 65, mostly married, whose wives can't or won't engage in intimate relations (some ever, some infrequently like your wife).

I'm not a ravishingly gorgeous siren; you couldn't pick me out in line at the berkeley bowl. I don't do anything particularly skillful or kinky; what I do is something far simpler, for which there is vast demand: I authentically enjoy sex (albeit on a commercial basis) with husbands like you. More--many more--men get entangled in affairs than see a pro; the repercussions of affairs, when they become emotionally involved, have been well documented on this list.

Whatever those of you reading this may think of me, I'm positive I've seen more than a few husbands of happily married BPNers on a professional basis. I try to send them home feeling satisfied, desirable, and appreciative of their wives' strengths as well as their limitations. If that seems threatening to the women on this list, consider the fact that there are many, many willing women with less firm boundaries--paid and unpaid--for your husbands to avail themselves of in their search of what's ''missing'' long-term in your marriage.

In my opinion, if a woman is not willing to address either the underlying problems in a marriage nor the possible psycho- or physiological reasons why she doesn't enjoy frequent sex with a husband who desires her and is committed to the marriage, then (if divorce is out of the question) you as the husband are justified in discreetly "supplementing'' your sexual needs with other women while your wife keeps her head in the sand. An Opinionated Hooker

Oh, snap.

By the way, various milk obsessions seem to be in remission this week. I will get back atcha when a lactovert surfaces....

The Post that Lets You View the Other Posts

This program has glitch where sometimes you can't see text when there are posted photos. This corrects that, for some reason. Sorry to peel back the curtain on this magical operation.

Who's the ERISA Hottie Now?!

What a fun crew! What a happy couple! See, there are no zombies or peeling flesh! Brook only looks like he is sporting a 70s 'stache!

"But, Dre", you ask, "Why are you hiding behind that lovely bride, peeking over her head like Kilroy over his wall?"

The honest truth is, because I was trying to hide my burgeoning, umm, motherness. I'm too embarassed to post an evidentiary photo, so here's a picture of the beneficiary of my, umm, beneficence:

What Is Stylish?

At my alma mater, you can "concentrate" (aka "major") in some wierd things, like Big Problems* or Fundamentals: Issues & Texts. In Fundamentals, you ask a question, read classical texts concerning that question and then, I don't know what happens. You graduate with the same inchoate degree everyone else has, I guess.

Anyway, I always wanted to concentrate in Fundamentals, but never found the right question. Because my intellectual capacity has dropped off considerably since graduating from that fine institution, I have lowered my standards for what constitutes an adequate question and, in doing so, have found my question. "What is stylish?" and its correlary: how do people choose their style?**
In particular, I am curious about two diametrically different phenomena. First, the people who choose a style that has no currency in popular culture, present or past, and second, people who actually wear stuff featured in fashion magazines. To illustrate the first: the 14-year old daughter of our kids' nanny wears rubber bands around the ankles of her jeans to cinch them. Why? Otherwise she looks put together in the young soft-tough Latina style. When I was her age, I also pegged my jeans, only I folded them tightly. Why did I do that? Nowhere in popular culture are tightly pegged or rubber-banded jeans identified as cool.

To illustrate the second: some of the mothers at Liam's preschool actually wear asymmetrical felt coats. Why? do? they? do? that? I am sure that its all over the Italian Vogue or something but it escapes me why anyone would apply that fashion to their lives. So ugly and uncomfortable, but not even u/u in the skewed "fashion" sense of Berkeley. And by asymmetrical, I mean this, not this.

* "Big Problems" is a set of courses offered to fourth-year students but my experience was that most people had their "big problems" in their sophomore year.

** My classical texts would be Ways of Seeing and Color Me Beautiful, I think.
Alrighty, folks, I will be out of town this weekend at a wedding. Hopefully, I will live to tell about it, rather than becoming one of the special dead.

Christmas Is Coming! Order Now!

My literary agent thinks the time is right for me to announce my forthcoming hardcover memoir, St. Scobie's Mock Whiskey Vol. I. Sign up now for holiday orders!

Blatant Republication

From The SportsGuy at Espn.com:

Here's my question: is there anyone under 40 who goes by the name "Dick?" When did that name go out of style? What was happening in the '50s, when people routinely went by the name "Dick," and there was a famous TV show named "Leave It To Beaver?" And why did names like Ethel, Franklin, Agnes and Marge go out of style, to the point that nobody would ever name their baby daughter Marge? Will the same thing happen in 50 years to names like Jennifer and Liam? I'd love to read a book that traces the history and trends of various names. I'm convinced that half of the girls 20 years from now will be named Sophie or Lily. We're going to have a "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" in 2026 where Sophie A. is feuding with Sophie D. and Sophie G. while Liam N. and Liam W. are forced to pick sides.

hee hee.*

I don't have much to say for myself today. I started back to work Monday and it has had the soul-draining effect that one expects it to have. I started a post the other night which I will put up later, once I find a zinging way to end it. So check back then.

* SportsGuy's query is actually answered in the last chapter of Freakonomics, which I will not summarize for you here.

What Is Stylish?

At my alma mater, you can "concentrate" (aka "major") in some wierd things, like Big Problems* or Fundamentals: Issues & Texts. In Fundamentals, you ask a question, read classical texts concerning that question and then, I don't know what happens. You graduate with the same inchoate degree everyone else has, I guess. Anyway, I always wanted to concentrate in Fundamentals, but never found the right question.

Because my intellectual capacity has dropped off considerably since graduating from that fine institution, I have lowered my standards for what constitutes an adequate question and, in doing so, have found my question. "What is stylish?" and its correlary: how do people choose their style?**

In particular, I am curious about two diametrically different phenomena. First, the people who choose a style that has no currency in popular culture, present or past, and second, people who actually wear stuff featured in fashion magazines. To illustrate the first: the 14-year old daughter of our kids' nanny wears rubber bands around the ankles of her jeans to cinch them. Why? Otherwise she looks put together in the young soft-tough Latina style. When I was her age, I also pegged my jeans, only I folded them tightly. Why did I do that? Nowhere in popular culture are tightly pegged or rubber-banded jeans identified as cool.

To illustrate the second: some of the mothers at Liam's preschool actually wear asymmetrical felt coats. Why? do? they? do? that? I am sure that its all over the Italian Vogue or something but it escapes me why anyone would apply that fashion to their lives. So ugly and uncomfortable, but not even u/u in the skewed "fashion" sense of Berkeley. And by asymmetrical, I mean this, not this.

* "Big Problems" is a set of courses offered to fourth-year students but my experience was that most people had their "big problems" in their sophomore year.
** My classical texts would be Ways of Seeing and Color Me Beautiful, I think.

Alrighty, folks, I will be out of town this weekend at a wedding. Hopefully, I will live to tell about it, rather than becoming one of the special dead.

What Brings You to These Parts?

As I told you yesterday, I have the technology at my fingertips to determine where my readers are, and how they found me. I don't actually check all that often but I was prompted to do so by a more careful reader (okay, it was Mr. St. Scobie). Here's a list of google searchs that have brought you to me, my sweets.

1. works that opposed thomas payne's "common sense"
2. joe maguire and ann coulter
3. "pregnant milking FAN" on Polish google. Don't do this search, it delves into realms you don't want to explore. I am NOT kidding about this.
4. "blog's theme" on the Vietnamese google. Huh? Boring City.
5. pix of fireman Here again, I think the searcher was probably hoping for something a little naughtier than I dish up.
6. breakfast in a can and Htoo brothers
7. Nelson Marans is googling himself again. Although this search suggest Marans has a nemesis.
8. union auto plants
9. Amanda Cotten You remember her, don't you?
10. And, saving the best for last, mustache phobias

I am pretty proud of my failure of cohesiveness.

impraesentiarum

I've been meaning to give shouts out to my reader in Bangladesh and now I can do it all proper style with a link to his blog. Check out impraesentiarum. Thank you.

FYI, fellow bloggers: if you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll see a little site meter icon. Click on it and you can find out how many readers I get, where they are and what searches bring you to my blog. I can't profile you any more closely for advertising purposes because I don't pony up for the paid service, but its pretty cool nonetheless. That's how I know when someone in Bangladesh or Sweden is reading The Scobie Plain Dealer.

Misguided Social Action

The New York Times reported on Monday that Joe Maguire of Reuters may or may not have been fired for writing "The Lies and Lunacy of Ann Coulter". "A Reuters employee who insisted on anonymity out of concern at angering management said that the 20 or so employees at the markets desk where Mr. Maguire had been one of two editors in charge 'took a group coffee break' in solidarity (last) Thursday."

This is what passes for collective action these days. How sad is that? Not only is the only economic weapon used here "a group coffee break" but rest breaks are, in some states, required. In California, employers that fail to provide a 10-minute rest break in every 4-hour work period must pay the employee who did not get a break one hour of extra pay.

I walked over to the computer to blog about this wussy b*!!sh^@ on The Union Lawyer, but then I received this email from a co-worker:

I am getting involved with a non-profit organization that will help provide under privilege children, who are in foster care, guitar lessons. It is a great way to boost their self esteem, and build their confidence. I'll be volunteering my time to offer these kids free lessons one hour a week each Thursday evening. (They are always looking for volunteers).

This is the best we can do? Give guitar lessons to underprivileged children? I have tried to play the guitar and it did nothing for my self-esteem, except, arguably, lower it.

All this reminded me of Karen Karbo's op-ed ("Will Work for School Supplies") in the NYT yesterday. Karbo made the point that the considerable energy spent selling wrapping paper and popcorn to buy school amenities is energy wasted from a political/social campaign for better school financing. It's an excellent point. But what disturbs me equally is that well-intentioned people waste energy reserved for social change on pointless exercises like "group coffee breaks" and Guitars, Not Guns.

Belly Button Survives Thorough Exam

Does anyone have a local resource for buying into a milk cow share? People do this all the time for meat - I'm hoping to do it for milk. There's some really good information on www.westonaprice.org about how people are getting together to do this, as well as the issues surrounding raw milk, etc., and it seems that it's perfectly legal in California to do this. I know I can get raw milk at a store, but for me freshness is more the issue than anything so I'd really like to pursue this route

I was going to post a comment about this recent BPN posting that went something like this: "Enough with the freaking milk!! There's a war! mid-term elections! nuclear testing in North Korea! and all you people care about is the milk. Stop with the milk!"

And then I realized, any sane friend of mine would be within his or her rights to say: "Dre, Enough with the milk people!! There's a war! mid-term elections! nuclear testing in North Korea! and you care about is lambasting people who obsess about milk! Stop! Obsessing! About! People! Who! Obsess! About! Milk!"

Okay, I'll try.
----

Does anyone have any further information on "Jillian"?

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Here's a recent photo of Q: N'joy.

Showing Restraint

Believe me, it is with great restraint that I am not, willy-nilly, reprinting the entire BPN Advice Given newsletter today. It's really ripe. So I will just give you one. This is a second or third generation* response:

++ When to Stop Showering w/Son-

What I find interesting is that you refer to your son as a 39-month old. I'm not a prude, but if you started referring toyour son's age as it really is - 3 1/2 years old now, sinceyour posting - then maybe it would sink in that he's perhaps alittle too old to do this.Unless, of course, when he's of driving age you will be celebrating his 192nd monthday-It's high time you used years.

How awesome is that, for a position to stake out? We're at war in Iraq, a congressman tried to fondle underage tidy strivers while his colleagues fiddled, Amish people are being gunned down, and this person is irate that a parent counts their child's age in months. They even took the time to fake-calculate an 18-year-old's "monthday"**. So awesome. And here I thought that only I stake out irrational positions on the minutia of others.***

* The original request for advice having been published several weeks ago.
** 12 times 18 is 216, so an 18 year old really celebrates his 216th monthday. Or birthmonth, really.
*** This person is basically irate over nothing! Think about it: 39 months is 3 and 1/4 years old, not 3 and 1/2. It's practically the same as 3, if you round numbers. And three-year olds are just glorified 2-year olds. So what is the big deal?

Sorry

I just wanted to apologize for sounding like Andy Rooney in that post earlier today.

Or maybe I sound like Mickey Rooney. Egad. I'm even sorrier for that.

Redundant Again

Little Rock, Arkansas, announced that they have chosen a new nickname for their city. The Rock. Catchy, huh? But how about The Little Rock? Or -- since Alcatraz Island is also known as The Rock, but is smaller than the city of Little Rock -- The Big Rock? Or -- since there's a famous action-movie star named The Rock -- The City of Rock? Or is Motor City hoseying that name? Or is Cleveland? Or how about The Geographical Rock? Or the Arkansas Rock?

How about, why does a city need a nickname?

Get Your Freak On.

Per my post below, there is a campaign underway here at 5500 to convince me that there is some redeeming value to football. As part of that campaign, I was encouraged to read Michael Lewis' article on the discovery/creation of Ole Miss left tackle Michael Oher. This will supposedly make me love football because my baseball fannishness, such as it is, can be blamed on Lewis' Moneyball (read it).

But I ain't coming around on this sport. Sorry. The Ballad of Big Mike is (inadvertantly) juxtaposed with What If It's (Sort Of) a Boy and (Sort Of) a Girl?, an article about whether parents should be allowed to authorize surgery on their intersexed kids. Both articles concern "freaks" of nature - one about children born with sex organs which do not reliably correspond with a specific gender, the other about an impoverished boy-giant who has all the social graces of Nell. The only conclusion I could draw from these articles is that if you have one kind of social incapatibility, you will get a cliterodectomy; with the other, you get adopted by born-again Christians who conveniently get you into their alma mater and set you on the path to an $8 million NFL contract.

The intersex article is particularly troubling: the author goes to great pains to put herself at some distance from the subject of the story, a woman who learned of her gender surgery (at ages 2 and 8) only once she was a grown-up. The woman's mother said she had her daughter's clitoris removed because she never used her own. Brrr. Anyway, the reader is supposed to feel sympathy for these parents who don't like their own children's sex organs. What? The? Fuck?* Dislike them so much, in fact, that they have them removed. And I am supposed to side with these people?

Michael Oher, on the other hand, whatever. A poor black child so freakishly large that white people figure out how to make a lot of money off him. I am so unendeared to this story that I have in fact taken a step backwards, toleration-wise, from the sport of football.

(Another inadvertant juxtaposition in the Sunday Magazine is the inclusion of an insider-y article on Ken Mehlman of the GOP. He is a freak of nature because he thinks that the GOP can be transformed into a party of Blacks and Hispanics and does not understand why no one else in his party is on board with his plan. Ahh, poor Ken. boo hoo.)

*Again, sorry, Mother-in-Law.

Lame Thoughts

Today I was driving home from Broccoli Montessori and I saw a bumper sticker that said, "My two favorite teams are Michigan and whoever's playing against Ohio State" andit occurred to me that, to be an anti-fan, i.e. someone who hates "your" team's rival, you actually have to want the team you hate to do moderately well. Which makes you a fan of the team you hate, if you think about it. A rivalry would die if your rival were never any good. Okay, maybe in the first year of their suckdom, you'd be all schadenfreude, and then the next year you'd be like, "Ron Zuck is such an idiot." But in year three, would you give a shit* anymore? You wouldn't paint your face to watch the other team get trounced, reliably, by 11 hits or 5 touchdowns, would you?

I've been thinking a lot about sports lately because my almost-three-year-old is now infected by the football bug, or as he says in his wierd St. Louis accent, "fitbull". He loves it. The only only good thing about it is that in a few years, I can have every Sunday afternoon to myself for a few months at a time.

Finally, and this is totally unrelated, you NEED to watch The Wire, if you are not already doing so. The first two seasons are on DVD, and the third is coming soon. The fourth season is three eps in, and you can watch the first three episodes back to back on Friday night at 8 on HBO. I might watch them again just because I am addicted to this show. I may remind you to watch it every day this week, or even until all my readers cry UNCLE and say, yes, they've watched it.

And another finally: I have been occasionally updating Bay Area Hiking Mamas, for all of you who are interested, but then stopped bothering checking.

*Apologies to my mother-in-law, who thinks I swear too much on my blog, and probably in my life.

A Little Bit of Clean-up

Apparently some folks were baffled by my swipe at Nick Ashford. Okay, so I am no Fug girl; fine, I can live with that. But people, you have to admit he looks like a total drag queen. Either Simpson is his beard or he's one of those straight men who like to wear women's panties - whatever - I just think that explains their causy-ness over The Sexual Other.

Second, David added "incentivized" to the list, and in that spirit, I realize that probably there are other fake words that have "-ize" on the end, created by b-schoolers. Synergize, for example. . .

Finally, did any of you know that Lincoln Chafee was a blacksmith before he was a senator? I can't think of anything funny to say about that, really. He learned it at horseshoeing school; mainly, he shoed horses, I guess. In reality, he looks less like a smithy and more like an actor who plays a smithy in a local theater production of Oklahoma!*

* Full disclosure: I played a male member of the chorus in Oklahoma! in the Academy of St. Elizabeth's 1991 spring production.**

** My other high school spring musical roles include "member of chorus" or "Friend of Nanette" in No No Nanette, "nun" in The Sound of Music and "Lady Brockhurst" in The Boyfriend.

New Link

I have added a link to Rangelife over there on the left because it's a funny blog, and it beat me to the punch on writing about the parents who kidnapped their daughter in order to force her to have an abortion (here). Oh, snap. Probably the easiest story to blog about today but still. Anyway, enjoy your new reading material. Sadly, Rangelife replaces Poo Poo Platter. I think the Grand Poobah is too dejected about the fact that Cheney was not indicted by Fitzgerald to go on blogging.

The second easiest story (that I saw) to blog about involves smuggling rare animals into the country in people's underwear, or something. I wish this article had more specifics. *sigh* I do like the fact that, although the movie was a flop, "snakes on a plane" is now a regularly trafficked cultural touchstone. "Federal agents were tipped off to some unusual happenings when large birds of paradise came flying out of his luggage." That's interesting, but not as interesting as "Most notably, as Monday’s indictment recalled, Mr. Cusack had concealed two lesser slow lorises, also known as pygmy monkeys, in his underwear." What kind of underwear was he wearing?

Actually, this article would be pretty easy to blog about too, but this is a family blog so you'll have to come up with your own jokes. No pun intended.

Finally, T&A Lady reports that she was burglarized, which, as I noted in comment 2 to her post, totally sucks. But it got me thinking, how many words have "ize" on the end? Burglarize, plagiarize, Martinize, modernize. I can't think of any others. Oh wait, pulverize. Any others?

Alanis Morrisette Day

Does anyone else think its a bit ironic that the company allegedly responsible for the E.Coli spinach outbreak is called Natural Selection LLC?

But there is nothing ironic about the fact that Ashford and Simpson have added several paeans to the difficulties of homosexual love to their new show. Per the NYT:

If the show concentrates on favorites from the Ashford & Simpson songbook, including “I’m Every Woman,” “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” and “Solid,” it also includes three promising new songs from a musical-theater work-in-progress based on E. Lynn Harris’s breakthrough novel, “Invisible Life.” “Born This Way” and “I Don’t Ride That Train” bluntly address the conflicts facing characters struggling to define their sexuality. “God Has Love for Everyone” puts a positive slant on all the conflict.

Come ON, Ashford.

I Wouldn't Leave You Hanging

I know you've been dying to hear about the ghost advice, so here it is:

(1) I didn't see your original post, so I don't know how scary your ghost is. I just wanted to comment that my experience was that some ghosts arenot harmful and will leave if you ask them. I feel odd that I even havethis story since most of us never really believe this stuff unless we experience it. The couple that owned our house before us lived there along time and died around age 90. The wife first, then the husband. They did not die in the house. I kept finding the husband's business card in different places in my house (how polite!). I would find them in places I was sure they had not been earlier. I collected them to make sure they were not the same one. I got about 10 of them. Some doors opened on their own and sometimes I felt his presence. Eventually I found a whole box of his businees cards in a basement cupboard. On the advice of a friend, I spoke out loud to him and told him that we had bought the house and were going to take good care of it, that we would make changes to it and make it our own. I told him he needed to move on and go see his wife and rest in peace. I burned some sage sticks in the house and did a make-shift cleansing ceremony. This did the trick! I haven't felt, heard or seen him since. I would say you should start with something like this, maybe even include your son. If it doesn't work after a few conversations then you can move to bigger measures. ghost-less

(2) Your house is probably not haunted, as mine was probably not, but as long as you think it is, you might as well act accordingly. When we first moved into our 1914 house, some weird things happened, so I decided to make friends with the ghost just in case. I talked to the ghost and asked his/her permission to live there and thanked him/her for helping us out. I once left a note for him/her. Then the mysterious things started being helpful things, like the kitchen faucet (which I'd left on) turning itself off before the sink was about to spill over onto the floor. Then stuff stopped happening. Who knows? Reaching out made me feel better; it was probably all in my head but that's what matters to me. Ghost-friendly

So there you go.

Personal Mortification

It seems my good friend T&A Lady has nominated me for a beauty pageant just 5 weeks after I gave birth. With friends like these. . . .Anyway, check out my nomination in the ERISA female hotties contest, and vote for me so I don't lose to Sarah Downey (the current leader) or Ms. Jazz, errr, Fosse hands. I seriously wish I were competing in the ERISA male hotties contest, where the competition isn't quite as stiff. Or rather, the competition is more stiff, and therefore I would have a chance of winning.

I Want Some Pants!!

That's what L is yelling from his room right now, whilst "napping". I don't even want to know why this is being yelled. Anyway, here's another picture from yesterday that I couldn't get loaded before. Sorry that L looks sort of goofy. As does Q. Oh well. At least I look like a brick sh*t house.

Update on school: When asked what he did at his new school, L said, "I sat in a circle. I played with beads."

Which, as I understand it, sums up Montessori education. I think he's just missing, "I wiped the table."

First Day of School

Li started preschool today. He walked into his Montessori classroom, looked around and said, "Where are the toys? Where are the dinosaurs?" I hope education is not too rude an awakening.

He calls his school Broccoli Montessori.

"Sweet sweetness."

In other news, Little Miss Sunshine is funny. Sorry to be all Jackie Harvey, but we don't get out much.

Update

"What is rude is to tell someone else they are being rude. And no, knitting at a meeting isn't rude."

It was not overwhelming, but the majority of responses were that it is not rude to knit at a PTA meeting. Does that make the majority of people in the Bay Area rude? Or do we need to rely on other evidence for that?

The Lazy Blogger

I am considering changing the name of this blog to "The Lazy Blogger" in acknowledgment of my over-reliance on BPN postings as fodder for the blog. But this shit writes itself, people:

Haunted house
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I know this sounds completely crazy but I am wondering if my house may have a ghost. My house was built in 1934 and there was one couple who lived in it until the death of the woman in the 80s. The woman died in the house and it was sold. Since my son could talk he would say things about seeing a lady, a shadow, a ghost, etc at different times while in our house. Sometimes he would be afraid and other times not. These days, he will be perfectly happy in a room, playing alone, when all of a sudden he will run out of the room terrified and say something about seeing a ghost. Sometimes we hear strange noises inthe house or will find things in a different way than we thought we had left them. Does anyone believe in ghosts or have experiences with them? I would like to say I don't believe, but I am a very open-minded person and since we really don't know what happens after death, I am starting to believe my son
- haunted house owner

Knitting at meetings
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I'm wondering if others think that it is acceptable to quietly knit during PTA or similar meetings if you are clearly a member of the audience and not leading the
meeting. I have always done this and someone just told me that they think it is
disrespectful and plain rude.
Multitasker

Amigos Amigos Amigos

Do you remember in The Three Amigos (one of my favorite movies) when the villagers all dress like amigos ("Sew like the wind, incredibly old woman") in order to confuse and defeat El Guapo? Yeah, I thought it was brilliant too.

According to this article, Hezbollah are also fans of that Martin/Chase/Short vehicle, and are now employing the Amigos Amigos Amigos tactic to their own advantage. There are, in fact, a plethora of Hassan Nasrallahs.

The Cute People Have Invaded

Oh the joys of motherhood, here they are: not crying, whining, nursing or throwing stuff at me.

Fresh Outrage

For those of you who are not networked in with other Berkeley parents, I know you look to me to generate appropriate anger over the lost sheep of the East Bay. I've tackled milk several times. Today's newletter brings answers to the following two queries (summarized):

1. Should I bring my kids to Burning Man?

2. Should I let my brother-in-law, who is the caregiver - nay, manny - of my young daughter, deal pot out of my house?

Now here's my question:

3. How off-kilter is your moral compass that you need to appeal to your neighbors to answer those questions? And why would you? Aren't these the kinds of things we used to hide from one another?

So how do the Berkeley Parents fare in answering? To their credit, it's pretty unanimously agreed that the manny should not be allowed to deal. But that doesn't take a PhD in philosophy or social welfare to get right. The BM question gets a split vote: one "leave the kids at home", one "take them to the Family Camp", and one "wait til their older". Annoying there is not "Burning Man is stupid and people who attend should not be allowed to breed" response. Hmm, we'll have to work on that.

I Feel a Little Dirty Admitting This

As much as I think the US News and World Report college rankings are bogus bullshit, I did feel a slight glow of satisfaction in learning that the University of Chicago moved from #15 to #9 this year (even if it's because they reported a higher endowment than they previously have reported). I feel bad about feeling good, and want to be excoriated, so that my guilt will be purged.

What the aych-eye-double-hockeysticks?

On Friday, the Brookster, Q and I got a little stir crazy and decided to head into SF to see some art. We ran into our old neighbor Julianne. She's good peeps. For those of you who might have visited us at the green house, she was the one with the stanky cats. Anyway, we asked her how were things, etc, and in particular, how are the new tenants who took our apartment?

She went to great lengths to let us know that Amos and Annie (yeah, that's what they go by) are REALLY REALLY nice people. But, "they, ummm, do howl therapy." They bark and cluck and howl like animals as part of their particular brand of yoga/worship/therapy. But they are really nice folks. He is a "part-time teacher" and she is a "life coach/storyteller". *sigh*

Googling "howl therapy" just yields blogs devoted to poetry and the poets' progress in analysis, so don't bother.

Quinn Finally Arrives

I am pleased and exhausted to report that Quinn joined us on July 31, 2006 at 2:04 p.m. He weighed a whopping 9 pounds 12 ounces, 20.5 inches. He is an expert nurser and sleeper, and is slowly warming to his role as a little brother.

Where I Have Been

Short answer: Nowhere.

Long answer: Gestating like crazy and crawling the walls as a result. So no, there's no news. I am now 9 days late. I thought I would provide a list -- and this will bore you to death -- of the things I have been doing while waiting for this baby to be born:

Due Date: July 17 - took a walk around the block, then retrieved child #1 from his daycare in order to take him to the emergency room because he smashed his head open on some piece of trash his day-care lady had left in her backyard. Spent hours in ER, complaining to anyone that would listen that I was due that day. Turned down offer of gurney, held injured child, burrito-style, while an Annie-Lennox-but-less-hot-looking nurse glued the kiddo's head back together. He is no worse for the wear; I am still pregnant.

I have gotten one pedicure.

I have completed one 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, featuring Mt. Rainier.

I have taken in one Red Sox-A's game.

I have finished book 7 in the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series, Blue Shoes and Happiness. McCall Smith is really coasting on bullshit pseudo-Africo-wisdom now. I am seriously considering finally finishing Moby Dick, which I have pretended to try to do twice already before.

I made a mix tape for Liam. It includes the following songs: This Land is Your Land, Lindbergh, The Car Song, Do-Re-Mi (Woody Guthrie); O Susannah (James Taylor); Washington DC and Fido, Your Leash is Too Long (Magnetic Fields); Hey Ya! (Outkast); Family Business (Kanye West); Can't Take My Eyes Off of You (Lauryn Hill); Chasing After James (Hazel); two samba songs; Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Flaming Lips) and Isabel (Unrest). Not in that order. I worked on it for like 3 days. Only one of those songs (Fido) uses the F word, as far as I can tell.

It turns out I am the kind of parent who likes songs that include inappropriate topics/words, but am not comfortable letting my child hear them. I feel like such a hypocrite already and he's only 2. This occurred to me recently when I was listening the Beastie Boys. The lyric "Your mom just threw away your best porno mag" made me realize that I have, or will, change sides in the historic battle between adults and children.

I have taken many walks around the block.

I am up to date on all Entourage episodes except the one that was added to On Demand yesterday. I suspect (from the description) that it may involve a threesome, so I don't want to watch it while my mom is still here.

I saw the Gee's Bend exhibit at the DeYoung Museum.

I have eaten Indian food twice.

I have paid some August bills, and dealt with two health insurance matters which I had been avoiding. Apparently someone else is also visiting the emergency room using my insurance card. Great. So that means I can add "I got my identity stolen" to the list of stuff I have done while waiting for child #2.

That's it, I'm tapped out. I think if other women followed my prescription here, they would have had their babies already. So I am looking for other low-key, time-consuming activities that might induce labor. I welcome your thoughts.

Htoo Twins Take Over Poland

When I saw this picture in the paper this morning (to the left there), I immediately recalled the Htoo twins*, and wondered, Why aren't there more super-villainous twins??

Those Htoo brothers sure grew up fast, didn't they? I wonder if there is a Karen rebel/Polish super-alliance now. And Johnny (or is it Luther) did a great job growing his hair back down to its natural hairline.

A Slightly Better Attempt

While I do not have my chops today, Dan Savage does. In particular, I like this letter:

I love my husband so, so much. He's so, so good to me, we have a great life together, and the sex is good. But there's another man I'm so, so attracted to. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage, or hurt my husband, but I'm afraid I might give in to the attraction in a moment of weakness. At the same time, I don't want to give up the activity where I see this other man, because the activity (martial-arts study) is a really important part of my life.
So, So Married

Lordy, what a predicament! The more time you spend with this other man, the likelier it becomes that you'll cheat. But you can't stop seeing this other man because you study martial arts with him and that's such an important part of your life—unlike, say, your marriage—and you couldn't possibly give it up! And as everyone on earth knows, there's only one martial-arts school on the whole freakin' planet, so you're pretty much condemned to spend time with this other man—what other choice do you have?—until the inevitable inevitability inevitably happens.
Puh-leeze, SSM. If your husband doesn't rate the supreme sacrifice of switching to some other martial-arts school, then nothing I can say is going to stop you from getting what you so, so desperately want. But after you fuck this other guy, SSM, don't run around pretending that you were just a victim of cruel circumstance—martial arts made me do it!—and not the so, so guilty instigator.

Sorry It's Been A Whole Week

This doesn't even really live up to Scobie standards, but I thought you might like the distraction. In related news, there's this.

*sigh* I promise that I will try harder to find something interesting for you to read. No pun intended.