Where I Have Been

Short answer: Nowhere.

Long answer: Gestating like crazy and crawling the walls as a result. So no, there's no news. I am now 9 days late. I thought I would provide a list -- and this will bore you to death -- of the things I have been doing while waiting for this baby to be born:

Due Date: July 17 - took a walk around the block, then retrieved child #1 from his daycare in order to take him to the emergency room because he smashed his head open on some piece of trash his day-care lady had left in her backyard. Spent hours in ER, complaining to anyone that would listen that I was due that day. Turned down offer of gurney, held injured child, burrito-style, while an Annie-Lennox-but-less-hot-looking nurse glued the kiddo's head back together. He is no worse for the wear; I am still pregnant.

I have gotten one pedicure.

I have completed one 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, featuring Mt. Rainier.

I have taken in one Red Sox-A's game.

I have finished book 7 in the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series, Blue Shoes and Happiness. McCall Smith is really coasting on bullshit pseudo-Africo-wisdom now. I am seriously considering finally finishing Moby Dick, which I have pretended to try to do twice already before.

I made a mix tape for Liam. It includes the following songs: This Land is Your Land, Lindbergh, The Car Song, Do-Re-Mi (Woody Guthrie); O Susannah (James Taylor); Washington DC and Fido, Your Leash is Too Long (Magnetic Fields); Hey Ya! (Outkast); Family Business (Kanye West); Can't Take My Eyes Off of You (Lauryn Hill); Chasing After James (Hazel); two samba songs; Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Flaming Lips) and Isabel (Unrest). Not in that order. I worked on it for like 3 days. Only one of those songs (Fido) uses the F word, as far as I can tell.

It turns out I am the kind of parent who likes songs that include inappropriate topics/words, but am not comfortable letting my child hear them. I feel like such a hypocrite already and he's only 2. This occurred to me recently when I was listening the Beastie Boys. The lyric "Your mom just threw away your best porno mag" made me realize that I have, or will, change sides in the historic battle between adults and children.

I have taken many walks around the block.

I am up to date on all Entourage episodes except the one that was added to On Demand yesterday. I suspect (from the description) that it may involve a threesome, so I don't want to watch it while my mom is still here.

I saw the Gee's Bend exhibit at the DeYoung Museum.

I have eaten Indian food twice.

I have paid some August bills, and dealt with two health insurance matters which I had been avoiding. Apparently someone else is also visiting the emergency room using my insurance card. Great. So that means I can add "I got my identity stolen" to the list of stuff I have done while waiting for child #2.

That's it, I'm tapped out. I think if other women followed my prescription here, they would have had their babies already. So I am looking for other low-key, time-consuming activities that might induce labor. I welcome your thoughts.

Htoo Twins Take Over Poland

When I saw this picture in the paper this morning (to the left there), I immediately recalled the Htoo twins*, and wondered, Why aren't there more super-villainous twins??

Those Htoo brothers sure grew up fast, didn't they? I wonder if there is a Karen rebel/Polish super-alliance now. And Johnny (or is it Luther) did a great job growing his hair back down to its natural hairline.

A Slightly Better Attempt

While I do not have my chops today, Dan Savage does. In particular, I like this letter:

I love my husband so, so much. He's so, so good to me, we have a great life together, and the sex is good. But there's another man I'm so, so attracted to. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage, or hurt my husband, but I'm afraid I might give in to the attraction in a moment of weakness. At the same time, I don't want to give up the activity where I see this other man, because the activity (martial-arts study) is a really important part of my life.
So, So Married

Lordy, what a predicament! The more time you spend with this other man, the likelier it becomes that you'll cheat. But you can't stop seeing this other man because you study martial arts with him and that's such an important part of your life—unlike, say, your marriage—and you couldn't possibly give it up! And as everyone on earth knows, there's only one martial-arts school on the whole freakin' planet, so you're pretty much condemned to spend time with this other man—what other choice do you have?—until the inevitable inevitability inevitably happens.
Puh-leeze, SSM. If your husband doesn't rate the supreme sacrifice of switching to some other martial-arts school, then nothing I can say is going to stop you from getting what you so, so desperately want. But after you fuck this other guy, SSM, don't run around pretending that you were just a victim of cruel circumstance—martial arts made me do it!—and not the so, so guilty instigator.

Sorry It's Been A Whole Week

This doesn't even really live up to Scobie standards, but I thought you might like the distraction. In related news, there's this.

*sigh* I promise that I will try harder to find something interesting for you to read. No pun intended.

Scobie Grab Bag

For the four readers who check in here to get their fix of Alabama political gossip, y'all should know that former governor Don Seigelman was convicted on 7 (of 34) counts of corruption earlier today. Co-defendant Richard Scrushy, former HealthSouth CEO, found that pretending he was a black preacherman didn't work as well in Judge Mark Fuller's court as it did up in Birmin'ham.

I'm sorry, but I agree that John Devis' Journal is the best blog that I have seen in maybe my whole life. I really wish that, when I was casting about for a theme, I had thought of the "big cats/dead game/Khazakhstan" combo.

The time killer over at My Heritage.com ("Find the Celebrity in You! TM) reveals my likeness to, in order to likeness: Neil Sedaka, Andie McDowell, Maurice Chevalier, Sharon Stone, Hugh Grant, Peter O'Toole, Gary Lineker, and Chloe Sevigny. No Isabella Rosellini or Linda Evangelista. Wierd, huh?

F your I, the photos I chose to link to are not the ones that were compared to the one I submitted. Except for Sharon Stone's. I basically look just like her in the picture I submitted.

Milk OBSESSION Hits Bay Area!

I thought the relatively reasonable referral to Straus Creamery last week would have mooted this sort of nonsense, but looks who's back. Or its her sister. But whatever:

Raw Milk

During my first pregnancy, a dear, and very well-informed, friend introduced me to the wonders of raw milk. I drank it throughout the pregnancy and had a very successful pregnancy and birth and are blessed with a very healthy child. I'm now pregnant again and want to continue drinking it. After researching it extensively, I'm absolutely convinced it is one of the most important things I can be doing for my and my family's health. The trouble is, it is very,very expensive from retail outlets. Two questions: 1) does anybody else have experience (positive or negative) with drinking raw milk? and 2)does anyone know of a local (we're in oakland) buying collective we could join/would anyone be interested in starting one with us? They require a minimum $200 purchase every two weeks - roughly 35 gallons I think. The aforementioned friend is part of such a collective in Wisconsin and could give us guidance about the logistics. If you would like more information about raw milk and its benefits, you can check out realmilk.com or organic pastures.

By Comparison, the Responses Seem Sane

I am sure you were all dying to know what the BPN posters below got in response to their queries. Appropriately, Ms. Eco-friendly Shelf Liner got no responses at all. I breathe a sigh of relief that we, as a community, have not gone that far out of the bounds of reality yet. The Mad Milker got this single response - tame in comparison to her request, despite the reference to bovine homeopathy:

I saw this message in an earlier newsletter and hopefully by now someone has steered you (no pun intended) to Strauss creamery milk (in the glass jug). The cows are raised up in W. Marin and given only homeopathy, etc... Remember that cows NEED to be milked twice a day and machine milking is the way to go in the 21st C. You need to shake up the Vit. D. milk to homogenize it--no child enjoys a slimy cream layer on their glass of milk. Good luck and congrats on trying to get your kid the very best in milk products Milk Lover

The jury is still out on The Sunscreen Scrooge.

The Marin cows thing reminds me of a story: My aunt is a big fan of her Shelties but she and her husband travel a lot for work. She once reported, without a hint of doubt or irony, that she had found a dog kennel to board her beloved Bailey where, for an extra $15/day, the dog would be taken for "a walk in the meadow." My aunt thought it was the deal of the century until someone (everyone) pointed out that there was no possible way to confirm that the walk had occurred. In the 10-15 years since, my aunt is asked whether her dogs have gotten their walks in the meadow, their steaks tartare, their trips to the symphony, etc. Haar har.*

*Family stories aren't really that funny outside of the family, are they?

Be Thankful You Live Elsewhere, If You Do

This time of year, when it is blazingly hot everywhere else in the country, non-Bay-Arears (??) turn westward to vacation and salivate over our perfect 72 degrees, clear as chrystal days. But if you need any reason to appreciate your own humid, nay, fetid, hometown, then look no further.

First of all, check out Rangelife's riff on SF business owner Amanda Cotten. (Thanks Missoula).

Next, follow me over to the Recommendations Wanted posting from the Berkeley Parents Network for these gems:

Eco-friendly Shelf Liner: We just remodeled our kitchen and need shelf liners to protect our newly painted shelves from heavy pots. I've just read that the heavy plastic liners off-gas a lot, so I'm looking for an alternative. Any suggestions? I'd rather have something removable (not contact paper). Thanks!

You live in a toxic stew of Bay Area car emissions and Berkeley patchouli body odor and you are worried about your f***ing shelf liner?? Also, is "off-gas" a f***ing word??

Fresh milk in Berkeley or surrounding area??: We are a vegan family (mostly—we do sometimes eat eggs from a friend’s chickens) with a 20 month old who is soon to be weaned off breast milk. We’re thinking that we may start adding milk to her diet (probably goat or sheep, but we’re open to cow) when we stop feeding her breast milk if we can find a well treated local animal to milk, or to have milked. Does anyone have any suggestions? We live in South Berkeley.

You are going to milk this goat, SHEEP, or cow by HAND????

Sunscreen for seriously rashy baby: My 10 month old is very rashy and every sunscreen I've tried so far is a no-go. I've read what's on the website, and I've tried Banana Boat and also California Baby. I'm sure there's one out there that will work, but they're so expensive, I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on tubes of things I'll never use. What works for a very rashy baby, other than a hat and an umbrella?

Do you, or do you not, want to your child to get sunburned?? Cheap bastard.

Okay, I will stop with the foul-mouthed Andy Rooney routine and go back to meditating in preparation for my silent water birth.

Oh Brit. Part Deux.

I have a pretty strong suspicion that Britney Spears does not know where Namibia is.

To which Angelina replied: "And I will have my next baby in a crack shack on the bayou. Can someone please fetch me a restraining order?"

Oh Darryl.

I am posting this for my temporarily-Swedish readers:

Speaking of publicists, was it Darryl Hannah's publicist who thought she could revive her career by being arrested at The Farm in LA? Because it isn't going to work. I suspect Julia Butterfly Hill is a little annoyed that DH has been squatting on a bush or something for the past 17 days. I suspect this because I am a lot annoyed by it. And I am 110% the biggest community gardening fan on the planet. I am just not a Darryl-Hannah-revived-career fan.

Oh Brit.

Apparently, Britney Spears has hired Tom Cruise's publicist.

I can say that because I watch Entourage now, and know what a publicist does, or is supposed to do.

For All You Haters

I am pretty tired of hearing about how huge I look, and why I am still at work, and how I am "all baby" and "bout to bust" and so forth. You can direct all future comments to this brave woman, who has found a terrible way around China's one-baby policy.

Good Foreign Policy Move for 2008 Candidate

Check it:


It's a crazy thing to do, but you gotta admit, Hillary looks great in a bikini. Maybe not so much in the thighs, but her boobs are shockingly nice. For a senator, is what I mean.

How Bad Do You Want it?

When I first read that Ann Coulter has called 9/11 widows "witches", I was so shocked that I laughed. Another apt reaction: "She makes me want to stab myself in the eyes and ears with pencils." Thanks poo poo platter.

But then I thought, I have to think about this from Coulter's perspective, which is hard, since I am not Satan. But I think I understand where she's coming from. She's jealous. She is green with envy. Because honestly, she's the only woman alive who would wish her husband had died in a fiery terrorist attack so that she could have the kind of political capital those widows have. Of course she's never married, so she's never had the opportunity to profit from the nationally-tragic death of a spouse. But, oh, she would if she could. And not just in a "cash in the life insurance" kind of way.

The other thing is, this is just going to sell books. So once you know about it, just file it away in your brain and do not waste one mental milliwatt of energy on her vomit. It only encourages her.

Totally Unrelated Good News

Wow, Roy Moore goes down AND Albertson's announces its closing its store on College Ave. Deos mio. It's a good day.

Political News of the Wierd

It should be a good night for blogging. Those of us who swore off electoral politics (temporarily) after the 2004 election get a little taste of November with today's primaries. First, the normal news. Lucy Baxley looks close to trouncing Don Seigelman in the AL Democratic primary, and Bob Riley has already been declared the winner of the Republican primary. Their margins of victory are, in the first case, a sign that folks are turned off from politicians of either party who have the stench of scandal about them, and in the second case, a sign that Alabama Republicans want to be free of the stench of Roy Moore. Bob Riley was roundly despised (by Republicans) during his Amendment 1 campaign but they still don't want to be marked as backwater nutjobs. In other good news, Drayton Nabors is beating Tom Parker for Supreme Court Chief Justice. (For updates on AL polls tonight, see here.)

In my county, Phil Angelides is leading Steve Westly for the Dem gov nomination. It's early, but Alameda County has 1 out of every 20 Democratic voters in the state. And Francine Busby is leading Brian Bilbray in the 50th Congressional District. Which rules.

Here's the wierd, or maybe sad, news from today's Alabama primary: Larry Darby is close on the heels of John Tyson for the Democratic nomination for Attorney General. (Troy King has already got the Republican nomination - natch). That's fucked up.

Even more fucked up than Katherine Harris' inexplicable contention that she will use a guide dog in Washington once elected to the Senate, notwithstanding her sightedness. She sounds totally unhinged these days.

Okay, more as the evening unfolds.

The Internets Is Abuzz Today

Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she is pregnant. Let me be the first (or whatever) to congratulate her. My sincerest hope is that she was inseminated with the sperm of her late husband J. Howard Marshall II, Texas oil tycoon*. If so, she is a complete genius. Or her lawyer is. If she were to create a new heir to the Marshall fortune, it would guarantee litigation with her obnoxious "stepson" well into the next century. Notwithstanding evidence to the contrary, I actually have work to do, so I will have to "research" the cases about posthumous insemination a little later in the day.

*I need more reasons to use the word "tycoon" in my life.

This Blog Is Not Sponsored By Spencer's Gifts

It only seems like it is.



For those of you curious about the Puzzle Alarm Clock, which spews puzzle pieces when it goes off and can't be silenced til the puzzle is done, I also recommend the Blowfly Alarm, which buzzes around the room and can only be silenced when it is returned to its cage.

Caution: John Travolta Alert

In case you were hoping that the gross-out stories of the day would be limited to the front page of the paper today, hope no more. The New York Times Style section has an article on how gyms are no longer the dating scene they once were. Great, you think. Except that it includes descriptions such as this:

When men and women first began working out together in the late 70's and early 80's, the atmosphere at many gyms was as sexually charged as a John Travolta-era disco: beefy men and lithe women pumped iron, Jazzercised and gave each other the eye.

And gym bunnies, both male and female, dressed to accentuate their appeal (or so they thought). "Jane Fonda made it O.K. for us to exercise almost naked in public," Ms. Fox said. "There was a whole sexual revealment — a thong leotard with a flesh-colored tight. It was like, butt cheek, hello! When I look back on it now, it looks like an exotic dancer outfit."

Men liked to flaunt their assets, too. In "Perfect," Mr. Travolta wears crotch-hugging short shorts, and he's not afraid of the hip thrust.

Is that necessary?? Also, is revealment a word?

WTF?

Having gotten no satisfaction from my earlier license plate musings, I was pretty annoyed today to see a bumper sticker that said, "I (heart) dogs & I (heart) art & I vote!!" I am not even going to bother researching this stupid bullshit. I will go straight to Dan's conclusion re Thomas Payne: "Actually it makes no effing sense at all, and solves nothing." I may cross-stitch that on my ass if I see another stupid fucking license plate/bumper sticker.

I take that back, since Berkeley is the ninth circle of bumper sticker hell.