Oh Brit. Part Deux.

I have a pretty strong suspicion that Britney Spears does not know where Namibia is.

To which Angelina replied: "And I will have my next baby in a crack shack on the bayou. Can someone please fetch me a restraining order?"

Oh Darryl.

I am posting this for my temporarily-Swedish readers:

Speaking of publicists, was it Darryl Hannah's publicist who thought she could revive her career by being arrested at The Farm in LA? Because it isn't going to work. I suspect Julia Butterfly Hill is a little annoyed that DH has been squatting on a bush or something for the past 17 days. I suspect this because I am a lot annoyed by it. And I am 110% the biggest community gardening fan on the planet. I am just not a Darryl-Hannah-revived-career fan.

Oh Brit.

Apparently, Britney Spears has hired Tom Cruise's publicist.

I can say that because I watch Entourage now, and know what a publicist does, or is supposed to do.

For All You Haters

I am pretty tired of hearing about how huge I look, and why I am still at work, and how I am "all baby" and "bout to bust" and so forth. You can direct all future comments to this brave woman, who has found a terrible way around China's one-baby policy.

Good Foreign Policy Move for 2008 Candidate

Check it:


It's a crazy thing to do, but you gotta admit, Hillary looks great in a bikini. Maybe not so much in the thighs, but her boobs are shockingly nice. For a senator, is what I mean.

How Bad Do You Want it?

When I first read that Ann Coulter has called 9/11 widows "witches", I was so shocked that I laughed. Another apt reaction: "She makes me want to stab myself in the eyes and ears with pencils." Thanks poo poo platter.

But then I thought, I have to think about this from Coulter's perspective, which is hard, since I am not Satan. But I think I understand where she's coming from. She's jealous. She is green with envy. Because honestly, she's the only woman alive who would wish her husband had died in a fiery terrorist attack so that she could have the kind of political capital those widows have. Of course she's never married, so she's never had the opportunity to profit from the nationally-tragic death of a spouse. But, oh, she would if she could. And not just in a "cash in the life insurance" kind of way.

The other thing is, this is just going to sell books. So once you know about it, just file it away in your brain and do not waste one mental milliwatt of energy on her vomit. It only encourages her.

Totally Unrelated Good News

Wow, Roy Moore goes down AND Albertson's announces its closing its store on College Ave. Deos mio. It's a good day.

Political News of the Wierd

It should be a good night for blogging. Those of us who swore off electoral politics (temporarily) after the 2004 election get a little taste of November with today's primaries. First, the normal news. Lucy Baxley looks close to trouncing Don Seigelman in the AL Democratic primary, and Bob Riley has already been declared the winner of the Republican primary. Their margins of victory are, in the first case, a sign that folks are turned off from politicians of either party who have the stench of scandal about them, and in the second case, a sign that Alabama Republicans want to be free of the stench of Roy Moore. Bob Riley was roundly despised (by Republicans) during his Amendment 1 campaign but they still don't want to be marked as backwater nutjobs. In other good news, Drayton Nabors is beating Tom Parker for Supreme Court Chief Justice. (For updates on AL polls tonight, see here.)

In my county, Phil Angelides is leading Steve Westly for the Dem gov nomination. It's early, but Alameda County has 1 out of every 20 Democratic voters in the state. And Francine Busby is leading Brian Bilbray in the 50th Congressional District. Which rules.

Here's the wierd, or maybe sad, news from today's Alabama primary: Larry Darby is close on the heels of John Tyson for the Democratic nomination for Attorney General. (Troy King has already got the Republican nomination - natch). That's fucked up.

Even more fucked up than Katherine Harris' inexplicable contention that she will use a guide dog in Washington once elected to the Senate, notwithstanding her sightedness. She sounds totally unhinged these days.

Okay, more as the evening unfolds.

The Internets Is Abuzz Today

Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she is pregnant. Let me be the first (or whatever) to congratulate her. My sincerest hope is that she was inseminated with the sperm of her late husband J. Howard Marshall II, Texas oil tycoon*. If so, she is a complete genius. Or her lawyer is. If she were to create a new heir to the Marshall fortune, it would guarantee litigation with her obnoxious "stepson" well into the next century. Notwithstanding evidence to the contrary, I actually have work to do, so I will have to "research" the cases about posthumous insemination a little later in the day.

*I need more reasons to use the word "tycoon" in my life.

This Blog Is Not Sponsored By Spencer's Gifts

It only seems like it is.



For those of you curious about the Puzzle Alarm Clock, which spews puzzle pieces when it goes off and can't be silenced til the puzzle is done, I also recommend the Blowfly Alarm, which buzzes around the room and can only be silenced when it is returned to its cage.

Caution: John Travolta Alert

In case you were hoping that the gross-out stories of the day would be limited to the front page of the paper today, hope no more. The New York Times Style section has an article on how gyms are no longer the dating scene they once were. Great, you think. Except that it includes descriptions such as this:

When men and women first began working out together in the late 70's and early 80's, the atmosphere at many gyms was as sexually charged as a John Travolta-era disco: beefy men and lithe women pumped iron, Jazzercised and gave each other the eye.

And gym bunnies, both male and female, dressed to accentuate their appeal (or so they thought). "Jane Fonda made it O.K. for us to exercise almost naked in public," Ms. Fox said. "There was a whole sexual revealment — a thong leotard with a flesh-colored tight. It was like, butt cheek, hello! When I look back on it now, it looks like an exotic dancer outfit."

Men liked to flaunt their assets, too. In "Perfect," Mr. Travolta wears crotch-hugging short shorts, and he's not afraid of the hip thrust.

Is that necessary?? Also, is revealment a word?

WTF?

Having gotten no satisfaction from my earlier license plate musings, I was pretty annoyed today to see a bumper sticker that said, "I (heart) dogs & I (heart) art & I vote!!" I am not even going to bother researching this stupid bullshit. I will go straight to Dan's conclusion re Thomas Payne: "Actually it makes no effing sense at all, and solves nothing." I may cross-stitch that on my ass if I see another stupid fucking license plate/bumper sticker.

I take that back, since Berkeley is the ninth circle of bumper sticker hell.

My Vigilance is Rewarded

Nelson Marans is dropping some knowledge on y'all over on the Science Times letters page. Don't think I am not watching, Nelson Marans. I am.

What else is going on with me? Not much. I updated Bay Area Hiking Mamas yesterday. I let someone give my child a buzz cut yesterday. No, wait, I actively encouraged it. It's really freaking cute. Our digital camera is broken, so you'll have to take my word for it.

Re-printing Without Editorial Comment

From The Onion
Pregnant Woman Glows With Rage
May 24, 2006 Issue 42•21
BROOKLYN, NY—Developments common to the seventh month of pregnancy have caused mother-to-be Anita Cernicke to glow with the inner light of pure fury, those close to the Cernickes report. "Jesus Christ, my fucking back," Cernicke, incandescent with the wrath of impending motherhood, said repeatedly to her husband during a recent trip to the grocery store. "Ask the manager if I can use the restroom. I'm peeing every 15 minutes, I swear. How long until I can have a god-damned drink?" Family sources said they see no reason why Cernicke's positively livid radiance can't sustain itself to the baby's due date and beyond.

Boo Boo the Chicken

Things to Do in Arkadelphia When You're Dead.

Can you tell that I am having a really hard time focusing on work this afternoon?

Where Are They Now?

Hey former Hache-Pee-Kayers, wonder whatever happened to Benjahmin Evans and his adorable sweetheart Jen Stewart? Look no further. Not sure what this means for Drag King, but the radon sure contributes to the, umm, mystique.

And sorry to my other readers who could not give a shit. Or who wonder why I read Money magazine. (Let me put it this way: I read it for the articles.)

Nothing Makes Sense About This

Anonymous asked for clarification on a license plate cover that said, "My Other Car is a Thomas Payne Novel". My interest was piqued. After searching Amazon and the Oakland Public Library, my curiosity is beyond piqued. What's a word that even means "beyond piqued"? Enzealed?

Here are some books authored by people named Thomas Payne or Tom Payne:

1. Gatitos! by Larry Dane Brimner & Tom Payne - Cats - Juvenile fiction
2. Odd Moments in Baseball - Joel Cohen & Tom Payne - Baseball humor - juvenile
3. The Epiphany: An operetta for children: Matthew 2:1-12 by Edward Thomas Payne
4. Spiritual death and resurrection;: A treatise: on The crucifixion and death of the old man, and The resurrection and spiritual life of the new by Thomas Payne
5. A catalogue of books, to be sold at the prices affixed to each article by Thomas Payne
6. Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Started Sailing by John Vigor and Thomas Payne
7. From the inside out: How to create and survive a culture of change by Thomas Payne
8. File This, Please! by Marjorie Thomas Payne
9. Exploring Language Structure: A Student's Guide by Thomas Payne
10. This Whole Tooth Fairy Things Nothing But A Big Rip Off! by Lois Grambling and Thomas Payne

Need I go on?

Did they owner of this car really mean Thomas Paine (author of the nonfiction Common Sense)? Or is Thomas Payne a code word for vanity-publishing authors? And why do 7 of these 10 examples have an exclamation point in their titles? Is it the law of averages or do exclamation points really draw the reader's eye to the title?

I am reminded of Pee Wee Herman's speech in his basement to his friends when he is describing his search for the bike thief:

The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

Thought I'd Share

Got my law school alumni magazine today. This, from an article about alums who have gone into government jobs:

Marty Boland '96
Assistant General Counsel
Central Intelligence Agency, Office of General Counsel

A professional achievement of which you are particularly proud:

Unfortunately, given the nature of my work, this is difficult to describe with any specificity. In general though, I can say that I am proud, on a daily basis, to be able to contribute to the mission of the CIA by ensuring that its activities are conducted in a lawful manner.

I think he speaks for all of us, really.

Back in the Saddle, At Least for Today

Other than my musings on the Alabama Democratic Party, I have been largely absent from my blogging activities recently. Unlike Article III Groupie (um, pull yourself together please) and T&A Lady, I have no apology to offer. No offense, but I don't pretend like any of you miss me. And plus, I have an excuse. Several, in fact. First of all, there is this:

Second, there is this:

So yeah, there is a lot of non-Internets activity that I am trying to keep a handle on. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about y'all. Here are a few things you should know about:

1. A few friends of mine have started blogging, Smashed Bananas and Goodbye to Old Missoula. Check them out.

2. I saw a license plate protector today that said, "I DON'T NEED ANOTHER CAR, I'M A WELLES FILM ENTHUSIAST." What the hell does that mean? Related thought: why do Prius owners go all crazy for vanity plates? Corollary: Mini drivers (as opposed to Minnie Driver), why do you discredit yourselves thus?

3. My heart is gladdened to read this Chicago Tribune story about my homey, my stromey, the Doo Doo Man on WRMS. Peace. Actually, it's about JP Chill on WHPK but I thought someone might like that reference....(and if you're gonna buy it, get it at Dusty Groove).

Party Fluidity in Alabama Politics

If I were going to write a dissertation for a PhD from Troy State University*, it would be about the effect of party fluidity on the decline of the Democratic Party in Alabama. What is that, you say? Basically, people can declare that they are Democrats in any election where the incumbent is a Republican, just so that they can run on a party ticket, regardless of whether they share the politics of the party. This has helped the Democratic Party stay viable in AL, probably, but it is also corrodes their ability to have a cohesive message. That's a theory of mine, at least.

The candidacy of Larry Darby starkly illustrates this problem. He is an atheist-white-power-Holocaust-denier running for attorney general in the Democratic Party primary.

In an interview Friday with The Associated Press, Darby said he believes no more than 140,000 Jewish people died in Europe during World War II, and most of them succumbed to typhus. Historians say about 6 million Jews were slaughtered by the Nazis, but Darby said the figure is a false claim of the "Holocaust industry." Darby said he will speak Saturday near Newark, N.J., at a meeting of National Vanguard, which bills itself as an advocate for the white race. Some of his campaign materials are posted on the group's Internet site.

He sounds like he was invented by the Republicans to discredit Democrats, doesn't he? (And how the hell does he expect to make it alive out of Newark?). The AL Dems are going to launch an investigation into how Darby hitched his wagon to their star.

*Please note that Troy State does not appear to offer any doctorate degrees. Well, a girl can dream.