The Internets Is Abuzz Today

Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she is pregnant. Let me be the first (or whatever) to congratulate her. My sincerest hope is that she was inseminated with the sperm of her late husband J. Howard Marshall II, Texas oil tycoon*. If so, she is a complete genius. Or her lawyer is. If she were to create a new heir to the Marshall fortune, it would guarantee litigation with her obnoxious "stepson" well into the next century. Notwithstanding evidence to the contrary, I actually have work to do, so I will have to "research" the cases about posthumous insemination a little later in the day.

*I need more reasons to use the word "tycoon" in my life.

This Blog Is Not Sponsored By Spencer's Gifts

It only seems like it is.



For those of you curious about the Puzzle Alarm Clock, which spews puzzle pieces when it goes off and can't be silenced til the puzzle is done, I also recommend the Blowfly Alarm, which buzzes around the room and can only be silenced when it is returned to its cage.

Caution: John Travolta Alert

In case you were hoping that the gross-out stories of the day would be limited to the front page of the paper today, hope no more. The New York Times Style section has an article on how gyms are no longer the dating scene they once were. Great, you think. Except that it includes descriptions such as this:

When men and women first began working out together in the late 70's and early 80's, the atmosphere at many gyms was as sexually charged as a John Travolta-era disco: beefy men and lithe women pumped iron, Jazzercised and gave each other the eye.

And gym bunnies, both male and female, dressed to accentuate their appeal (or so they thought). "Jane Fonda made it O.K. for us to exercise almost naked in public," Ms. Fox said. "There was a whole sexual revealment — a thong leotard with a flesh-colored tight. It was like, butt cheek, hello! When I look back on it now, it looks like an exotic dancer outfit."

Men liked to flaunt their assets, too. In "Perfect," Mr. Travolta wears crotch-hugging short shorts, and he's not afraid of the hip thrust.

Is that necessary?? Also, is revealment a word?

WTF?

Having gotten no satisfaction from my earlier license plate musings, I was pretty annoyed today to see a bumper sticker that said, "I (heart) dogs & I (heart) art & I vote!!" I am not even going to bother researching this stupid bullshit. I will go straight to Dan's conclusion re Thomas Payne: "Actually it makes no effing sense at all, and solves nothing." I may cross-stitch that on my ass if I see another stupid fucking license plate/bumper sticker.

I take that back, since Berkeley is the ninth circle of bumper sticker hell.

My Vigilance is Rewarded

Nelson Marans is dropping some knowledge on y'all over on the Science Times letters page. Don't think I am not watching, Nelson Marans. I am.

What else is going on with me? Not much. I updated Bay Area Hiking Mamas yesterday. I let someone give my child a buzz cut yesterday. No, wait, I actively encouraged it. It's really freaking cute. Our digital camera is broken, so you'll have to take my word for it.

Re-printing Without Editorial Comment

From The Onion
Pregnant Woman Glows With Rage
May 24, 2006 Issue 42•21
BROOKLYN, NY—Developments common to the seventh month of pregnancy have caused mother-to-be Anita Cernicke to glow with the inner light of pure fury, those close to the Cernickes report. "Jesus Christ, my fucking back," Cernicke, incandescent with the wrath of impending motherhood, said repeatedly to her husband during a recent trip to the grocery store. "Ask the manager if I can use the restroom. I'm peeing every 15 minutes, I swear. How long until I can have a god-damned drink?" Family sources said they see no reason why Cernicke's positively livid radiance can't sustain itself to the baby's due date and beyond.

Boo Boo the Chicken

Things to Do in Arkadelphia When You're Dead.

Can you tell that I am having a really hard time focusing on work this afternoon?

Where Are They Now?

Hey former Hache-Pee-Kayers, wonder whatever happened to Benjahmin Evans and his adorable sweetheart Jen Stewart? Look no further. Not sure what this means for Drag King, but the radon sure contributes to the, umm, mystique.

And sorry to my other readers who could not give a shit. Or who wonder why I read Money magazine. (Let me put it this way: I read it for the articles.)

Nothing Makes Sense About This

Anonymous asked for clarification on a license plate cover that said, "My Other Car is a Thomas Payne Novel". My interest was piqued. After searching Amazon and the Oakland Public Library, my curiosity is beyond piqued. What's a word that even means "beyond piqued"? Enzealed?

Here are some books authored by people named Thomas Payne or Tom Payne:

1. Gatitos! by Larry Dane Brimner & Tom Payne - Cats - Juvenile fiction
2. Odd Moments in Baseball - Joel Cohen & Tom Payne - Baseball humor - juvenile
3. The Epiphany: An operetta for children: Matthew 2:1-12 by Edward Thomas Payne
4. Spiritual death and resurrection;: A treatise: on The crucifixion and death of the old man, and The resurrection and spiritual life of the new by Thomas Payne
5. A catalogue of books, to be sold at the prices affixed to each article by Thomas Payne
6. Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Started Sailing by John Vigor and Thomas Payne
7. From the inside out: How to create and survive a culture of change by Thomas Payne
8. File This, Please! by Marjorie Thomas Payne
9. Exploring Language Structure: A Student's Guide by Thomas Payne
10. This Whole Tooth Fairy Things Nothing But A Big Rip Off! by Lois Grambling and Thomas Payne

Need I go on?

Did they owner of this car really mean Thomas Paine (author of the nonfiction Common Sense)? Or is Thomas Payne a code word for vanity-publishing authors? And why do 7 of these 10 examples have an exclamation point in their titles? Is it the law of averages or do exclamation points really draw the reader's eye to the title?

I am reminded of Pee Wee Herman's speech in his basement to his friends when he is describing his search for the bike thief:

The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

Thought I'd Share

Got my law school alumni magazine today. This, from an article about alums who have gone into government jobs:

Marty Boland '96
Assistant General Counsel
Central Intelligence Agency, Office of General Counsel

A professional achievement of which you are particularly proud:

Unfortunately, given the nature of my work, this is difficult to describe with any specificity. In general though, I can say that I am proud, on a daily basis, to be able to contribute to the mission of the CIA by ensuring that its activities are conducted in a lawful manner.

I think he speaks for all of us, really.

Back in the Saddle, At Least for Today

Other than my musings on the Alabama Democratic Party, I have been largely absent from my blogging activities recently. Unlike Article III Groupie (um, pull yourself together please) and T&A Lady, I have no apology to offer. No offense, but I don't pretend like any of you miss me. And plus, I have an excuse. Several, in fact. First of all, there is this:

Second, there is this:

So yeah, there is a lot of non-Internets activity that I am trying to keep a handle on. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about y'all. Here are a few things you should know about:

1. A few friends of mine have started blogging, Smashed Bananas and Goodbye to Old Missoula. Check them out.

2. I saw a license plate protector today that said, "I DON'T NEED ANOTHER CAR, I'M A WELLES FILM ENTHUSIAST." What the hell does that mean? Related thought: why do Prius owners go all crazy for vanity plates? Corollary: Mini drivers (as opposed to Minnie Driver), why do you discredit yourselves thus?

3. My heart is gladdened to read this Chicago Tribune story about my homey, my stromey, the Doo Doo Man on WRMS. Peace. Actually, it's about JP Chill on WHPK but I thought someone might like that reference....(and if you're gonna buy it, get it at Dusty Groove).

Party Fluidity in Alabama Politics

If I were going to write a dissertation for a PhD from Troy State University*, it would be about the effect of party fluidity on the decline of the Democratic Party in Alabama. What is that, you say? Basically, people can declare that they are Democrats in any election where the incumbent is a Republican, just so that they can run on a party ticket, regardless of whether they share the politics of the party. This has helped the Democratic Party stay viable in AL, probably, but it is also corrodes their ability to have a cohesive message. That's a theory of mine, at least.

The candidacy of Larry Darby starkly illustrates this problem. He is an atheist-white-power-Holocaust-denier running for attorney general in the Democratic Party primary.

In an interview Friday with The Associated Press, Darby said he believes no more than 140,000 Jewish people died in Europe during World War II, and most of them succumbed to typhus. Historians say about 6 million Jews were slaughtered by the Nazis, but Darby said the figure is a false claim of the "Holocaust industry." Darby said he will speak Saturday near Newark, N.J., at a meeting of National Vanguard, which bills itself as an advocate for the white race. Some of his campaign materials are posted on the group's Internet site.

He sounds like he was invented by the Republicans to discredit Democrats, doesn't he? (And how the hell does he expect to make it alive out of Newark?). The AL Dems are going to launch an investigation into how Darby hitched his wagon to their star.

*Please note that Troy State does not appear to offer any doctorate degrees. Well, a girl can dream.

Freestyle Chin Beards?

You probably didn't even know that there was something other than a chin beard, but this guy won that category at the International German Beard Championships. I wonder whether the Germans have an awards category for "Beards", in THIS sense. That would be awesome.

In unrelated news, the woman in France who had the face transplant can now feel her face (and not just the cigarette she keeps dangling from her lips). Do you remember that there was a flap over whether she was the best person to be the first face recipient, owing to her suicidal tendencies and nasty smoking habit? It occurs to me now: if you are depressed enough to be suicidal, don't you think that you, more than most others, truly need a face??? Like, what's more depressing than not having a FACE? I saw Murderball last night, so I can say with zero authority but reasonable certainty, that its more depressing to be faceless than legless. That's my opinion.

Something I Always Suspected About Finland

Even the subliminal message backlash against Judas Priest (now so many years ago) engendered the kind of navel-gazing that the Finns are doing over the choice of Lordi to represent their country at the Eurovision pop contest. Hello? Hakkapeliittas?

Why am I writing about this? I felt that I must. Please read here.

Luckily, No Gunfire Broke Out

Today's edition of Pregnancy Insanity is proud to feature Sarah and Kris Everson, whose recent announcement of the birth of sextuplets has been revealed to be a scam. Who among us, really, has not thought, Diapers are so f***ing expensive. How can I get the readers of People magazine to give a girl a hand up?

At least there's no body count in this case. I just wonder if ANY babies were born at all.

Two Ways to Make You Feel a Little More Stressed Today

Two items that made me feel more, rather than less, agitated today:

The Bush Countdown Clock: I think this is suppsed to be reassuring but it more seems like the clock of a time bomb. Maybe they should call it Countdown to the Frist Administration or something. It's more Nuclear (err, Nucular) Clock than the coping mechanism its creators intended.

The Sinus Balloon: From the Cure is Worse than the Illness File, I bring you the sinus balloon. Looking at this makes my face hurt, which suggests that I would rather have a sinus infection than this contraption installed in my face:

Unclear on the Concept

Onan the Vegetarian.

I am not even sure what I could add to this. Talk amongst yourselves.

When You're Smiling....

As they say, the whole world smiles with you.

Well, when you're pregnant, the whole world is full of nut jobs. I don't even know which of these stories is better.

The story about the gunfight that broke out at the baby shower?

A baby shower erupted into a fight among guests in which one man was shot and several other people, including the seven-months-pregnant guest of honor, were beaten with a stick, police say.

Three people were arrested after the brawl, described by police as a "baby shower gone bad." Police said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people — Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood.

When the baby shower's hostess tried to intervene, Rivas began hitting some of the guests, including the 22-year-old mother-to-be, with a large stick, she said.

Or is it the craigslist post about the insaniac new mom on the treadmill?

You - New mom on the elliptical machine at the gym. Me - They guy on the elliptical machine next to you. The other day you were running on the elliptical machine with your baby strapped to your chest. I admire your commitment to get back into the gym and work out even with the challenges of being a parent and having a baby. I also admire your ability to continue running for 20 minutes after your baby had shit their diaper. It didn't matter that the entire gym fucking stunk, it didn't matter that your baby was sitting in a loaf of crap and developing diaper rash, and it didn't matter that I kept giving you the "holy shit lady, that is fucking gross" glance. All that mattered is that you stubbornly finished your workout, ruined the experience for everyone else there, and probably gave your kid a nasty rash. You have the kind of audacity and selfishness that I am seeking in a soul mate.

Is It Funny?

In her comment to the post below, kmlc suggested google image searching oneself as an enjoyable pastime. Is this fun?

Here is the fruit of my search:




Here is what comes up when you put in my maiden name:

That's me with the comb-over.

So the answer is, No, not funny.

Ummm....

Due to the wonders of modern technology, I am able to view a list of searches that bring folks to my website. As a result of this, I believe that Nelson Marans googles himself pretty frequently.

But anyway, today a visitor to my blog came via a search for "child birth, whiskey". I just wanted to tell that reader, if he or she should visit again, that while it sounds like a good idea to combine the two, it probably isn't medically advised. Please seek professional help for either your alcoholism or your pregnancy or both. Thanks.