Thought I'd Share

Got my law school alumni magazine today. This, from an article about alums who have gone into government jobs:

Marty Boland '96
Assistant General Counsel
Central Intelligence Agency, Office of General Counsel

A professional achievement of which you are particularly proud:

Unfortunately, given the nature of my work, this is difficult to describe with any specificity. In general though, I can say that I am proud, on a daily basis, to be able to contribute to the mission of the CIA by ensuring that its activities are conducted in a lawful manner.

I think he speaks for all of us, really.

Back in the Saddle, At Least for Today

Other than my musings on the Alabama Democratic Party, I have been largely absent from my blogging activities recently. Unlike Article III Groupie (um, pull yourself together please) and T&A Lady, I have no apology to offer. No offense, but I don't pretend like any of you miss me. And plus, I have an excuse. Several, in fact. First of all, there is this:

Second, there is this:

So yeah, there is a lot of non-Internets activity that I am trying to keep a handle on. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about y'all. Here are a few things you should know about:

1. A few friends of mine have started blogging, Smashed Bananas and Goodbye to Old Missoula. Check them out.

2. I saw a license plate protector today that said, "I DON'T NEED ANOTHER CAR, I'M A WELLES FILM ENTHUSIAST." What the hell does that mean? Related thought: why do Prius owners go all crazy for vanity plates? Corollary: Mini drivers (as opposed to Minnie Driver), why do you discredit yourselves thus?

3. My heart is gladdened to read this Chicago Tribune story about my homey, my stromey, the Doo Doo Man on WRMS. Peace. Actually, it's about JP Chill on WHPK but I thought someone might like that reference....(and if you're gonna buy it, get it at Dusty Groove).

Party Fluidity in Alabama Politics

If I were going to write a dissertation for a PhD from Troy State University*, it would be about the effect of party fluidity on the decline of the Democratic Party in Alabama. What is that, you say? Basically, people can declare that they are Democrats in any election where the incumbent is a Republican, just so that they can run on a party ticket, regardless of whether they share the politics of the party. This has helped the Democratic Party stay viable in AL, probably, but it is also corrodes their ability to have a cohesive message. That's a theory of mine, at least.

The candidacy of Larry Darby starkly illustrates this problem. He is an atheist-white-power-Holocaust-denier running for attorney general in the Democratic Party primary.

In an interview Friday with The Associated Press, Darby said he believes no more than 140,000 Jewish people died in Europe during World War II, and most of them succumbed to typhus. Historians say about 6 million Jews were slaughtered by the Nazis, but Darby said the figure is a false claim of the "Holocaust industry." Darby said he will speak Saturday near Newark, N.J., at a meeting of National Vanguard, which bills itself as an advocate for the white race. Some of his campaign materials are posted on the group's Internet site.

He sounds like he was invented by the Republicans to discredit Democrats, doesn't he? (And how the hell does he expect to make it alive out of Newark?). The AL Dems are going to launch an investigation into how Darby hitched his wagon to their star.

*Please note that Troy State does not appear to offer any doctorate degrees. Well, a girl can dream.

Freestyle Chin Beards?

You probably didn't even know that there was something other than a chin beard, but this guy won that category at the International German Beard Championships. I wonder whether the Germans have an awards category for "Beards", in THIS sense. That would be awesome.

In unrelated news, the woman in France who had the face transplant can now feel her face (and not just the cigarette she keeps dangling from her lips). Do you remember that there was a flap over whether she was the best person to be the first face recipient, owing to her suicidal tendencies and nasty smoking habit? It occurs to me now: if you are depressed enough to be suicidal, don't you think that you, more than most others, truly need a face??? Like, what's more depressing than not having a FACE? I saw Murderball last night, so I can say with zero authority but reasonable certainty, that its more depressing to be faceless than legless. That's my opinion.

Something I Always Suspected About Finland

Even the subliminal message backlash against Judas Priest (now so many years ago) engendered the kind of navel-gazing that the Finns are doing over the choice of Lordi to represent their country at the Eurovision pop contest. Hello? Hakkapeliittas?

Why am I writing about this? I felt that I must. Please read here.

Luckily, No Gunfire Broke Out

Today's edition of Pregnancy Insanity is proud to feature Sarah and Kris Everson, whose recent announcement of the birth of sextuplets has been revealed to be a scam. Who among us, really, has not thought, Diapers are so f***ing expensive. How can I get the readers of People magazine to give a girl a hand up?

At least there's no body count in this case. I just wonder if ANY babies were born at all.

Two Ways to Make You Feel a Little More Stressed Today

Two items that made me feel more, rather than less, agitated today:

The Bush Countdown Clock: I think this is suppsed to be reassuring but it more seems like the clock of a time bomb. Maybe they should call it Countdown to the Frist Administration or something. It's more Nuclear (err, Nucular) Clock than the coping mechanism its creators intended.

The Sinus Balloon: From the Cure is Worse than the Illness File, I bring you the sinus balloon. Looking at this makes my face hurt, which suggests that I would rather have a sinus infection than this contraption installed in my face:

Unclear on the Concept

Onan the Vegetarian.

I am not even sure what I could add to this. Talk amongst yourselves.

When You're Smiling....

As they say, the whole world smiles with you.

Well, when you're pregnant, the whole world is full of nut jobs. I don't even know which of these stories is better.

The story about the gunfight that broke out at the baby shower?

A baby shower erupted into a fight among guests in which one man was shot and several other people, including the seven-months-pregnant guest of honor, were beaten with a stick, police say.

Three people were arrested after the brawl, described by police as a "baby shower gone bad." Police said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people — Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood.

When the baby shower's hostess tried to intervene, Rivas began hitting some of the guests, including the 22-year-old mother-to-be, with a large stick, she said.

Or is it the craigslist post about the insaniac new mom on the treadmill?

You - New mom on the elliptical machine at the gym. Me - They guy on the elliptical machine next to you. The other day you were running on the elliptical machine with your baby strapped to your chest. I admire your commitment to get back into the gym and work out even with the challenges of being a parent and having a baby. I also admire your ability to continue running for 20 minutes after your baby had shit their diaper. It didn't matter that the entire gym fucking stunk, it didn't matter that your baby was sitting in a loaf of crap and developing diaper rash, and it didn't matter that I kept giving you the "holy shit lady, that is fucking gross" glance. All that mattered is that you stubbornly finished your workout, ruined the experience for everyone else there, and probably gave your kid a nasty rash. You have the kind of audacity and selfishness that I am seeking in a soul mate.

Is It Funny?

In her comment to the post below, kmlc suggested google image searching oneself as an enjoyable pastime. Is this fun?

Here is the fruit of my search:




Here is what comes up when you put in my maiden name:

That's me with the comb-over.

So the answer is, No, not funny.

Ummm....

Due to the wonders of modern technology, I am able to view a list of searches that bring folks to my website. As a result of this, I believe that Nelson Marans googles himself pretty frequently.

But anyway, today a visitor to my blog came via a search for "child birth, whiskey". I just wanted to tell that reader, if he or she should visit again, that while it sounds like a good idea to combine the two, it probably isn't medically advised. Please seek professional help for either your alcoholism or your pregnancy or both. Thanks.

It's Okay, I Am Screaming For Her

Various news organizations are reporting that Scientologists have been sighted bringing signs into the Cruise-Holmes mansion that remind Katie to keep quiet during labor.

On Monday, huge placards saying, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable," were carried into the couple's home, to be displayed around the house to remind Holmes to deal with the extreme pain of childbirth quietly.

Usually I leave the TomKat news to T&A Lady, but I really could not let this pass unmentioned. The preposterous basis for these signs is Hubbard's belief that keeping the mother quiet would prevent trauma to the child as it was being born. He must not have ever witnessed a live birth, since what actually happens in the birth canal has got to be a lot more traumatizing than hearing Katie Holmes tell Tom Cruise that he should go fuck himself. In fact, I think the little tyke, like the rest of us, would actually be gratified to hear her say that.

And while we are on the topic of celebrity births, I hope you haven't missed this.

Culture Math

I have a formula for you:

Hustle & Flow - The Commitments = Big Love

And, yes, doubters, I have seen all three of these. I am actually quite certain that the minds behind Big Love ("Polygamy Loves Company") came up with the concept after seeing Hustle and Flow. Essentially, there's a man, with father issues, struggling against the mores of society to keep his hos fed, if not happy. Djay has three hookers to pimp; Bill has three wives. When Shelby shows up at Djay's, Djay actually says something like, "You Mormons have balls." Bill's a Mormon. And at one point when Djay is rhapsodizing in his car about some bullshit*, he says, "You gotta have big love." I could go on but you get my point.

And it may turn out that Bill has A Dream that involves Wilson Pickett coming to town to hear him and his band of ne'er-do-wells sing with their heart and soul, in which case the equation will be Hustle & Flow - black people = Big Love. I probably will not be tuning back in to find out, however. I am just happy to assume that Bill, like Djay, ends up in the Big House for his troubles.

*the theme of which was probably, "It's hard out here for a pimp."

Innovations in Architecture

Sometimes you drive past a strip mall or office park so ugly, you can only hope that the designing architect has been turned out of his bed at night and beaten senseless by his/her cohorts, given a purple nurple and had his/her pencils sharpened to a nub. Or something.

And then something like this comes along, and you have hope for humanity. It's so brilliant. Hermit crab housing, modeled on a Fascist architect's designs, in recognition of the intrusion-into-nature through control that this idea intends. I think that few of us can say that our profession has ever made a contribution like this one to, well, hermit crabs.

For the Three or Four of You Who Care

Only about 3 or 4 of you will care about this, and you already know, but I do feel like some public grief needs to be spilled about the sale of Puffers in Chicago to an alleged "politically connected contractor (and "teetotaler", in the words of one longtime customer) who plans on turning the bar into a country and western-themed establishment with no live music, no cookouts in the beer garden, and no "foreign" beers."

Let's pause for a second and consider the idea of a (1) contractor who is (2) politically connected in (3) Bridgeport* who is also (4) a teetotaller. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?

Geez, the White Sox have a good year and now actual Christians** move into the neighborhood and open country-western-themed restaurants?? Is this implausible or what? Or just sadder than any other gentrification effort you have EVER heard of?

Many of my good memories of Bridgeport go back to Puffers. Some bad ones too. Like watching 15 black kids with "Support Lenard Clark"*** signs march up and down Halsted while sitting in Puffers at the front window. But I am glad to say the patrons of Puffers were supportive of those kids, offended that they had neighbors who would bring such infamy to the neighborhood.

Anyway, just my two cents.

*Note for non-Chicagoans: Bridgeport is where Mayor Daley is from. His moms still lives like 3 blocks from Puffers, although since she's 400 years old, I doubt she's ever darkened their door. Plus, the bartender wears chaps, so that probably keeps her away too.

** As opposed to all the non-teetotalling Catholics.

*** Non-Chicagoans: Lenard Clark was a 13-year-old black kid from across the freeway (Robert Taylor Homes) who dared ride his bike over to Bridgeport/Armour Square, where he was jumped and beaten by some white teenagers. Read a little here.

Side Effects of Botox

This story was just brought to my attention:

Woman injected with fake Botox dies

One of at least two women given fake Botox injections died "several weeks ago" and the woman who performed the injections could face possible manslaughter charges, Monterey County Sheriff's Sgt. Terry Kaiser said today.
The victim's name is not being released, Kaiser said.

Martha Vasquez, 39, does not have a license to practice medicine, which is necessary to administer Botox injections. Investigators believe Vasquez administered the injections at the homes of her clients, who lived in the Salinas area.

Tests to determine what the fake Botox actually was are still under way, according to Kaiser.

Vasquez is currently in custody in Monterey County Jail. The sheriff's office is not releasing any further details about the case at this time because the investigation is ongoing. A spokeswoman for the Monterey District Attorney's office said no decision about possible charges against Vasquez had been made as of this morning.

I was also sent this picture, and I am going to pretend that this photo goes with the previous story, because it should, shouldn't it?

The State of Healthcare

As if nurses and patients don't already have enough problems, with overflowing hospital wards and crazy medical bills... This is in today's paper:

Neurosurgery chief arrested in Oakland operating room - Thursday, March 9, 2006
(03-09) 09:40 PST Oakland, Calif. (AP) --
The chief of neurosurgery at Highland Hospital was wrestled to an operating room floor by deputies and arrested after allegedly throwing a drunken fit when a nurse refused to let him operate, authorities said.

Federico Castro-Moure, 45, was arrested Monday night on suspicion of being under the influence of alcohol and interfering with the duty of officers, said Alameda County sheriff's Lt. Jim Knudson.

Castro-Moure became belligerent after insisting on operating on a man who broke his ankles and fractured his spine in a two-story fall, according to the sheriff's department. Two other surgeons had determined the injuries were not life-threatening, but Castro-Moure insisted the man would die if he did not receive immediate attention, the report said.

He "threw a fit" and began yelling and cursing at staff when they told him equipment for the procedure needed to be transferred from another hospital, according to the report. When the surgical instruments arrived, a nurse refused to allow Castro-Moure to operate until they could be sterilized.

Castro-Moure threatened the nurse by punching his fist in his hand. He took a swing at deputies after they were called to intervene. "Do you know that I am a (expletive) doctor, and I'm going to do what I want," he said, according to a witness.

He was booked into Glenn Dyer Detention Facility in Oakland and was released several hours later in lieu of $4,000 bail, a jail official said Thursday morning.

Castro-Moure was placed on leave while the hospital investigates the matter, hospital spokesman David Cone said.

A woman who answered the phone at Castro-Moure's home Thursday morning said the doctor had no comment.

How is This Funny?

Two little shitheads were arrested for the Alabama church fires. Their defense?

A witness quoted Cloyd as saying Moseley did it "as a joke and it got out of hand," according to the affidavit. Moseley also told agents the four church fires in west Alabama were set "as a diversion to throw investigators off," an attempt that "obviously did not work," the affidavit said.

Fucking idiots. Sorry to sound like some sort gold standard advocate or something, but what the hell is wrong with people these days? Whoever thought it would be funny or something to set churches on fire? No one. Not even white supremacists do it for shits and giggles. They do it to propogate terror and evil, not because it's fucking funny.

Message to the AMA

Dear AMA:

Save your freakin' money. At first I thought this news was a misplaced Onion article, but no, it's true, the AMA has found that (drum roll, please) spring break is bad and unhealthy for young women. Read about it here.

Kathleen Fitzgerald, a 21-year-old junior at Illinois State University, said the AMA's effort to raise awareness is a good idea, but probably won't do much to curb drinking during spring break.

"I think a lot of students wouldn't really pay that much attention to it," Fitzgerald said. "They would just be like, `Duh, that's why we do it.'"

Genius.

The only reason that The Onion never wrote this article is because here's how it would have gone in the pitch meeting:

Writer 1: How about an article about a medical study finding that Spring Break is bad for women? You know, all the alcohol and sun and unprotected sex?
Other Writers: (Silence)
Editor: See me in my office after this.

Writer 1 was even lame enough to create dumb graphic to accompany his stupid story.

My Apologies, Gentle Readers

A reader says, "I realize that you're probably busy but could you please post something new on your blog! I'm getting sick of seeing those butts." She later remarks that there is something particularly distressing about the butt/backpack combo. Probably gives her flashbacks to her honeymoon, but I won't explore that any further.

Anyway.

Another reader shares this from Range Life. NoCal folks will appreciate it most, but I think all NPR listeners will find something in this letter that resonates:

Dear KQED:

It's time now to kill "Perspectives."

Every weekday morning at 7:37, whilst Morning Edition fans in other markets are learning important things about the sorry condition of the world, Bay Area listeners are subjected to three minutes of personal stories about the pain of being bi-racial in Berkeley, or about the pain of being a nerdy teenager who doesn't wear Abercrombie, or about the pain of transcending consumerism during Christmastime.

In other words, it's a pointless segment of "I me my me me I my me me me me me," sort of like a LiveJournal site, but one that you're forced to read all the way through while it rubs your nipples with a cheese grater.

Today's edition, however, was such an atrocity against all that is holy and virtuous about public radio that I feel compelled to speak out. Adrienne DeAngelo's "Perspective" this morning consisted entirely of a long advertisement for Bugaboo strollers, a wildly expensive product line that Ms. DeAngelo wants to acquire for her baby. She went so far as to list the models, plus the features and benefits of each.

It would be annoying enough to hear Ms. DeAngelo whine about how much she misses her grandma or how much she hates traffic, like your other insightful "Perspectives" contributors, but to hear her engage in such flagrant shillery left me feeling like I'd been ear-raped by a car dealership.

What was it like in the studio when Ms. DeAngelo recorded this disaster? Did the
engineer and producer shoot each other an awestruck "This is gold!" look and high five? Is Ms. DeAngelo going to be invited back to brag about her new Bose iPod dock, or whine about her husband not buying her a Lexus RX350?

It's time for "Perspectives" to go. In the Internet age, we don't need NPR to encourage ordinary citizens from Rock Ridge and the Castro to add to an uninformed cacophony about how schoolkids need more art classes, or how happy they are they gave up coffee, or how badly new moms should want an $800 stroller. Let them go get blogs like the rest of us fools, so we can ignore them.

Yours truly,
Seamus