Help Me Remember

To those of you who attended my wedding: Did our vows include anything like, “Thou shalt not call thy spouse Andy Rooney, no matter how banal his/her observational humor.”? I am almost sure that it did, and yet . . .

Rock Bottom Blues, Pt. 2

I wasn't drunk when I wrote that post. I sent it off prematurely and then was too annoyed with myself to fix it. But it piqued your interest, didn't it?

Before I get to the BK ads that annoy me, a couple other things that annoy me:

1. Custom license plate: Outta my way, I need a latte!
2. Vanity plate: LOOKN41 - looking for what? A man? A miracle?
Okay, so these BK ads. There basic jist is that you now do not need to scrounge for change from the couch cushions because you can pay for food at BK with your Visa. But if you are down enough in the dumps to be buying fast food with credit, how do you even still have credit?

Unrelated: I heard a piece on NPR this morning about how Florida might start restoring its beaches with pulverized glass, which has all the same properties as sand. Not once was it mentioned that glass IS sand. I expected that to be the punchline of the story but it wasn't said. At first I thought that was funny, but then it annoyed me.

Rock Bottom Blues

Burger King has this promotion

Happy Birthday to Scobie

Well, Scobie's Mock Whiskey at least. I forgot to mention that this blog "celebrated" its 2-year birthday on Friday. Techically, the blog did nothing to celebrate, and neither did I. At least not until I caught this on camera. Embarassing photos of one's sibling are always cause for celebration.

Bridezilla Shower

Tomorrow, I am hosting a bridal shower for my younger sister, who is not the referred to bridezilla of the title of this post. In researching what types of party games one has at a bridal shower, I have come to the disturbing conclusion that possibly the friends of bridezillas deserve their mistreatment, or at least have an outlet to respond to the vagaries of their awful soon-to-be-wed. *Just so it's clear, I did NOT write the text describing these games, I cut and paste it from the sites I linked to.* Check these out:

Hunk-in-a-Balloon: You take a total of 25 balloons, [more or less depending on the amount of guest arrive] and put either a picture and/or description of a man inside the balloon. After the balloons have been blown up and passed around, each lady pops her balloon with a provided pin. The lady who finds the hunk or groom is the winner!

Bachelorette Party Pinata: This is for a bridal shower/bachelorette party. The person planning the party buys an empty pinata, or makes one, and fills it with dirty little favors, instead of kiddie candy, such as condoms, hershey kisses, loliipops (lil suckers), a lace garter (for bride), and other kinky toys and items. When the bride hits the pinata and breaks it, out pops out these dirty little surprises that will make a memory of a lifetime!

Truth and 'Tare: After you have the attention of the guests, you show them a role of toilet paper, and walk around to each person and have them be truthful and tear off the amount of paper they use during one bathroom visit. The ladies at this point get shy so everyone takes a different amount as all eyes watch! After each person has a wad of paper, tell them all to be making anything out of the paper that has anything to do with a wedding, the best finished product wins a gift! I made a pillow with two rings on it, but my daughter won with her thong panties she so cutely crafted! This is fun! Everyone can be making something as the "Bride to be" is opening her gifts.

Honeymoon Adventure: When the bride is opening the presents for the shower, have someone discretely jot down the phrases she says. For example, "oh...this is wonderful," or "oh, this is so big!", or "I've never seen this before." Then you take all these phrases and put into phrases or like a story of how their honeymoon is going to go. This is the funniest thing I have ever seen, and everyone can't help but laugh!!!

Okay, sorry, I am almost done. These two are the best:

Penis Pin Game: Purchase some clothes pins and fuzzy balls. Draw a penis on the clothes pins and hot glue 2 fuzzy balls onto the end. As the guests arrive, pin the clothes pin on them and tell them they can not do something (such as touch their hair). When someone does this, tell the guests they may take the person's "penis". The one with the most "penises" at the end of the party wins.

Penis Perfection: Playdough is inexpensive, so the hostess buys each guest their own container. With the timer set for 1-3 minutes(depending on your opinion) each guest tries to shape their playdough into the best penis, and when the timer goes off, each penis is set on the floor in the middle of the room, and the bride to be judges the best looking one, and possibly maybe a prize for the worst looking one (but don't tell your guests that, or they will try hard to make it look bad). It is also neat as they lay on the floor to take a picture of all of them together, and to see how colorful they look with the different color playdough.

ADORABLE!!

Tristadecaphobia

It means fear of the number 13. In honor of today.

 

I knew a guy who was afraid of the number 23. This is long before the Jim Carrey movie 23. It was because of the band Psychic TV, which apparently intended to release 23 live albums (one per month) but, according to Wikipedia, “mysteriously” stopped after “only” 17. Not exactly fear-inducing, but of course I am not a freaked-out, long-haired skater-boy art student from Florida. 23 is also the number of the Illuminati. Still not scary, but getting closer.

 

 

The Republican Type

I just saw a picture of Sarah Taylor, former White House political director whose brilliant refusal to testify fully about the DOJ firings will win her a pardon in December 08, bears a strikingly blonde resemblance to Monica Gooding. Who are all the Girls Gone Mild? Is DC just crawling with blond Bob Jones and Liberty grads? T&A Lady, what say you?

I will add links in the am, when I am not blogging via blackberry.

Damn You, Graphite Camo Jacket, Damn You!

I may be returning the jacket to L.L.Bean soon. According to my son, the jacket can only be worn with a pair of gray camo shorts because the jacket does not match jeans or even gray cords. Au revoir, Reversible Graphite Camo/Hunters Orange Jacket, it was nice knowing you.

Is There a There There?

For fans of small-scale legislative hoo-ha, the Oakland City Council meeting yesterday must have a been a thriller. With Keenan Ivory Wayans in attendance, two local development advocates almost got into a physical scuffle, disrupted by the intervention of Councilman Larry Reid. Its not quite as great as the food fight in the Taiwan legislature, but it will do.

What's the verdict?

Just saw a bumper sticker that says "Canadian girls kick ass". Funny or stupid?

UPDATE: I think it's funny.

Here's a new one: Temp in our office has spent her entire lunch hour reading various Harry Potter websites (or possibly porno/terrorist sites using Potter and Dumbledore photos as a front). I can tell from walking past her desk repeatedly. Cute or annoying?

We saw Breach on video this weekend. Ryan Phillippe carries his lusty pouting to a new level in this taut, spy-vs.-spy-with-a-dash-of-Opus-Dei thriller. This movie had the suspense that The Good Shepherd should have had, and made way more sense than The Departed. See it.

JFB speaks truth to power. Teach!

Blogspot won't let me enter a title today. What's up with that?

NY Times has Wineries Gone Wild article. Which reminds me, since this is a "movie review" post, I can't believe I never blogged about how much I hate Sideways. Maybe I have never written about it because I don't even know where to start. In fact, I have writer's elbow or whatever it's called when you can't write because I am festering with so much hatred for that movie. All those people were immature slobs, petty, lying, half-hearted alcoholics. The sex scenes were sickeningly gratuitous and I still regret I didn't leave the theatre when my instincts told me to go. I could go on in this vein but I think you get the picture.

It's Here!

It's Coming!

It's 7:05am and The Jacket is in Emeryville! I can almost smell it!

UPDATE:

07/06/2007 08:37 AM
On FedEx vehicle for delivery EMERYVILLE CA

OH NO!!!

The jacket is still in Indianapolis!

Jacket Update

Camo Jacket Fever has reached critical levels. The fear (of theft of the package by marauding neighborhood children) and excitement (to wear it every day, notwithstanding the soaring temperatures) are palpable.

But the FedEx Tracker is not doing its part to quell the insurgency. It continues to say that the jacket Arrived at the Sort Facility in Indianapolis, IN on July 4, 2007 at 9:00 a.m.

Graphite Camo/Burnt Orange Reversible Down Jacket, where are you now!!!???

Dumb-ass bumper stickers

If the people lead, the people will eventually become leaders too.

- on a car in Berkeley.

You are shocked, I'm sure.

I Am Unpersuaded

I just got an email from MoveOn.org which attempted to excite me into giving someone money just because Scooter Libby’s prison sentence was commuted. One of the arguments marshalled: He’ll serve less time that Paris Hilton! Mon dieu! Say it ain’t so, Joe!

 

Look, why is anyone even vaguely surprised that this happened? I am actually pleasantly surprised that it was not a full blown pardon, and I have to give Bush props for being only so loyal to Scooter. Bush really does not give a shit about anything: public opinion, his proxy (Scooter), nobody. And using Paris Hilton as a decoy? Now we’re going to pretend that liberals really give a shit about her? We are not that lumpen, MoveOn.

Happiness Is A Warm Coat

For awhile, L was obsessed with a Bob the Builder jacket that he had borrowed from a friend. "Miss Lisa said I could borrow it forever," I was told repeatedly. He wore it to bed, and on hikes in 75 degree weather. It was a little wierd. Then it went into the closet, and then back to the friend's house, and it hasn't been missed.

Yesterday, I showed him the LL Bean catalog and told him to check off things he might like. He made check marks next to everything, and drew some dinosaur bones and then some boats. Until he found this:

And his heart apparently stopped, and then it began racing. He immediately brought the page to me and said he wanted it. Now. I said, Sure we can get that in the winter, it's nice. And he just kept asking for it and I said, Yes, he could have it. We then went to the grocery store. When we got home, he asked, "Is the jacket here yet?" We had to delay leaving for a birthday party so that we could order this.

He has since asked, on the quarter hour, if the jacket has arrived. This morning he told me he was too sick to go to school, and that he needed to stay home to make sure no other kids steal his jacket when it gets to our house. Only upon being reassured that mail tampering and theft is a federal crime was he willing to leave.

I just got an e-mail from LL Bean that the jacket has left Freeport and is on the FedEx dock in Portland ME, waiting for pick-up. I am so excited, I can barely stand it.

Only in Cali - July 2 Edition

It's hard to summarize this one. Basically, this secretary claims that her former boss asked her to be a surrogate mother for her, and then was harassed after she refused the (female) boss's request. WTF?

Remarks on the Immigration Debate

This is about as far off topic of the "immigration debate" as a person can go and still be technically remarking on that debate, but here goes:

1. Based on Flight of the Conchords, which is HIL-AIR-EE-OUS, we need to issue more green cards/visas to the good people of New Zealand.



2. What if, in our* haste to complete the border fence between The U S of A and Mexico, we build the fence too far north? Does Mexico get to keep the land we leave on the other side of the fence? If we want it back, what is the venue for filing a lawsuit to recover it? The Hague?

* I use the plural in this comment to denote The United States, not me and some other person.

Finally, and this has nothing to do with immigration, I saw a bit of Paris Hilton on Larry King Live (actually Taped) this morning, and she is walking this fine line between "I was scared straight" and "I'm hard, I've been on The Inside." She also used the words spirituality and audacity, which makes me think she assigned herself a little presidential candidate biography to make the time go slower On The Inside.