Where I Have Been

Short answer: Nowhere.

Long answer: Gestating like crazy and crawling the walls as a result. So no, there's no news. I am now 9 days late. I thought I would provide a list -- and this will bore you to death -- of the things I have been doing while waiting for this baby to be born:

Due Date: July 17 - took a walk around the block, then retrieved child #1 from his daycare in order to take him to the emergency room because he smashed his head open on some piece of trash his day-care lady had left in her backyard. Spent hours in ER, complaining to anyone that would listen that I was due that day. Turned down offer of gurney, held injured child, burrito-style, while an Annie-Lennox-but-less-hot-looking nurse glued the kiddo's head back together. He is no worse for the wear; I am still pregnant.

I have gotten one pedicure.

I have completed one 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, featuring Mt. Rainier.

I have taken in one Red Sox-A's game.

I have finished book 7 in the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series, Blue Shoes and Happiness. McCall Smith is really coasting on bullshit pseudo-Africo-wisdom now. I am seriously considering finally finishing Moby Dick, which I have pretended to try to do twice already before.

I made a mix tape for Liam. It includes the following songs: This Land is Your Land, Lindbergh, The Car Song, Do-Re-Mi (Woody Guthrie); O Susannah (James Taylor); Washington DC and Fido, Your Leash is Too Long (Magnetic Fields); Hey Ya! (Outkast); Family Business (Kanye West); Can't Take My Eyes Off of You (Lauryn Hill); Chasing After James (Hazel); two samba songs; Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Flaming Lips) and Isabel (Unrest). Not in that order. I worked on it for like 3 days. Only one of those songs (Fido) uses the F word, as far as I can tell.

It turns out I am the kind of parent who likes songs that include inappropriate topics/words, but am not comfortable letting my child hear them. I feel like such a hypocrite already and he's only 2. This occurred to me recently when I was listening the Beastie Boys. The lyric "Your mom just threw away your best porno mag" made me realize that I have, or will, change sides in the historic battle between adults and children.

I have taken many walks around the block.

I am up to date on all Entourage episodes except the one that was added to On Demand yesterday. I suspect (from the description) that it may involve a threesome, so I don't want to watch it while my mom is still here.

I saw the Gee's Bend exhibit at the DeYoung Museum.

I have eaten Indian food twice.

I have paid some August bills, and dealt with two health insurance matters which I had been avoiding. Apparently someone else is also visiting the emergency room using my insurance card. Great. So that means I can add "I got my identity stolen" to the list of stuff I have done while waiting for child #2.

That's it, I'm tapped out. I think if other women followed my prescription here, they would have had their babies already. So I am looking for other low-key, time-consuming activities that might induce labor. I welcome your thoughts.

Htoo Twins Take Over Poland

When I saw this picture in the paper this morning (to the left there), I immediately recalled the Htoo twins*, and wondered, Why aren't there more super-villainous twins??

Those Htoo brothers sure grew up fast, didn't they? I wonder if there is a Karen rebel/Polish super-alliance now. And Johnny (or is it Luther) did a great job growing his hair back down to its natural hairline.

A Slightly Better Attempt

While I do not have my chops today, Dan Savage does. In particular, I like this letter:

I love my husband so, so much. He's so, so good to me, we have a great life together, and the sex is good. But there's another man I'm so, so attracted to. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage, or hurt my husband, but I'm afraid I might give in to the attraction in a moment of weakness. At the same time, I don't want to give up the activity where I see this other man, because the activity (martial-arts study) is a really important part of my life.
So, So Married

Lordy, what a predicament! The more time you spend with this other man, the likelier it becomes that you'll cheat. But you can't stop seeing this other man because you study martial arts with him and that's such an important part of your life—unlike, say, your marriage—and you couldn't possibly give it up! And as everyone on earth knows, there's only one martial-arts school on the whole freakin' planet, so you're pretty much condemned to spend time with this other man—what other choice do you have?—until the inevitable inevitability inevitably happens.
Puh-leeze, SSM. If your husband doesn't rate the supreme sacrifice of switching to some other martial-arts school, then nothing I can say is going to stop you from getting what you so, so desperately want. But after you fuck this other guy, SSM, don't run around pretending that you were just a victim of cruel circumstance—martial arts made me do it!—and not the so, so guilty instigator.

Sorry It's Been A Whole Week

This doesn't even really live up to Scobie standards, but I thought you might like the distraction. In related news, there's this.

*sigh* I promise that I will try harder to find something interesting for you to read. No pun intended.