Guest blogger!

Okay, technically J W is not a guest blogger, since I'm writing this for him. But I will pretend to be him for the purpose of this post, I will pretend to be him.

When you go into a men's room where there's a urinal and a toilet but no divider, do you lock the door? Or do you ask they guy what he needs to do and let him in if its compatible? (AL- compatible is my word, not J's.)

Now we're going to either Sky Bar or a red sox expat bar, depending. This is live blogging at its blandest.

I Leave You With This

Before you go enjoy your weekend, I thought I would spoil it with a few things. Barack O'bama, heating it up Beach Babe-style.

And then prepare to kill many minutes and brain cells enjoying all the different name generators at Rum & Monkey. I like the Mormon Name Generator, but I think you'll also enjoy naming your penis, or the Damned Hippie Name Generator.*

If I were going to write a Name Generator, it would be a Jam Band Name Generator, but it would go like this: Pick any combination of the following words to name your jam band: Funk, Monkey, Cheese, Sandwich, Brothers and All-New. By the way, do they still even have jam bands anymore? Man, I hate jam bands.

* Jane Stillwater's name is Peace Juniper, by the way.

Good Times, Good Times

Up is down, left is right, hip hop is not cool anymore.

First of all, there's Karl Rove rapping. Sheesh. I'm not embedding the YouTube version because its too damn long. Second, I heard Gangsters Paradise on NPR this morning. Hunh?

Well, since Michelle Pfieffer is in the Coolio video, I guess its not that cool.

And speaking of embedding, a 64-year-old woman from Berkeley is flying to Kuwait with a sleeping bag this week to try to find a military unit to embed with. It's like Cindy Sheehan without a plan (or even less of a plan). Imagine yourself in that army unit, on the prowl for insurgents, and there's a Berkeley hippie lady in your Humvee. How psyched are you? Probably she smells a little like the pee-pee she refuses to flush*, maybe has her cat with her, definitely wearing a patchwork quilt item of clothing, eating peanut butter sandwiches. The most presumptuous and annoying part:

Money for Arabic translators? Unnecessary. "I've been all over the world," she said, "and you always find people who speak English."

Oh, no, wait. Maybe this is the most presumptuous part:

She's tired of getting news from TV journalists who throw on a khaki vest for a few photo ops before flying home first-class.

Umm, how many journalists have been killed in Iraq? 97

Journalists kidnapped in Iraq: 45

That doesn't include the injuries, or the media support people who have been injured or killed in Iraq. I am sure they'd be offended by her ignorant assumptions, if they weren't too busy doing legitimate reporting from the frontlines.

Bozo.

* Sorry to be gross, but this is based on an actual BHL that I know of.

I Know

In my heart of hearts, that its not okay to make fun of people, so I won't. But if you want to, email me and I will send you the awesomest blog I have seen today. I don't even want to post a link because I think the blog may be able to trace it to me, and I really don't want these people to think I am making fun of them, even though, in my heart, I am.

Overheard

Sitting in a bagel shop, listening to three electricians discussing the times that they, like Tony LaRusso, have fallen asleep at the wheel driving drunk.

"I was up at the club drinking hella hard mixed drinks, get out in my Impala and damn if I don't get up to the last light before my house and fall out. Wake up when a dude behind me wants to make a left. Look in the 'meer' and ohmigod if I was Tony LaRussa, I'd be in jail."

So uplifting.

Fresh Disappointments.

It's only Monday morning and already this week is full of disappointment. UNC is out of the Final Four, hurtling me to the middle of the bracket. My mother sent me "the article" about how day care destroys the minds of our next generation, hurtling me to a mental place of anger, disappointment, guilt, non-guilt, blame, self-loathing, and yet also, to work.

Finally, and possibly the most disappointing thing that I have learned in a long time:

Sammy Davis Jr.'s Candy Man is not a double entendre.

Sundry Thoughts

First sundry thought: blog entries are very hard to title.

Second sundry thought: Okay, bracketeers, there are some basketball games tonight, so stop pretending to concentrate on that Purchase Agreement or Modalities Matrix or whatever it is you are pretending to concentrate on, and browse incessantly over to the NCAA Men's basketball scores. Sheesh. Why am I the one who always has to remind you? Oh, right, because I am The Commissioner. If I needed any evidence that I need to remind people of things, the fact that my own husband didn't do any picks is Exhibit A.

Third sundry thought: Is Edwards caught in a Presidential catch-22 or what? The guy has decided to stay in the race, despite the fact that his wife has stage 4 cancer of the. . . body . . . and has 2 tiny children to love and care for. This makes him seem like an unelectable lout. So what's the only way he could overcome that, and seem loving and electable? If he drops out of the race. The only way to be winnable is to not run. Which is Al Gore's strategy, obviously. But how many people can use that and still (not) win?

Happy Spring!

I was just reading Natalie Angier's column about the vernal equinox - the crux of which is that the equinox falls sort of between March 20 and 21 this year - and I thought What would Zsusanna Budapest think about all this?

The answer is: Zsusanna is pretty certain that the VE falls on March 21. See The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries, v. 1, p. 80. How to celebrate is more complicated. Those assembled at the Bridgeport Holy Temple of Womanhood in March 1998 may recall that it involves string and beer, and possibly grass clippings (actual, not marijuana) and candles. Oh, excuse me, I mean, "Grounds and circle cast, purified with water; admittance in order of age; consecration with fire; corners of the universe evoked; and unifying as usual."

A relatively easy ritual - no foot washing, corn cakes, tamborines, or Dittany of Crete. Just sit back and enjoy the "green flora" and the "maiden aspect."

So mote it be.

Good stuff

"If I wanted something your thumb touched, I would eat the inside of your ear." - Lucille Bluth

Heh heh.

Thursday, Liam told his first riddle. I will retell it in a condensed version:

Q: What do you call a seagull that lives by the bay?
A: A bay-gull

In fact, the real conversation went more like this:

Q: why do seagulls live by the bay?
A: Because they eat fish.
Q: But why?
A: They just do.
Q: Can you call them bagels?
A: Oh, yeah! That's funny!

Multiple Choice

Who is in a three-way tie for ninth place?

A. Joe Lieberman
B. Hoops Hack over at Mock Brackets
C. University of Chicago

The correct answer is C. The University of Chicago was ranked 9th (tied with Dartmouth College and Columbia University) among undergraduate programs at national universities, according to the 2007 rankings list produced by U.S. News and World Report.

Crescat scientia, b*****es.

Let the Games Begin!

Woohoo! It's tip off time! Or whatever the euphemism is for the beginning of a basketball game. Did I get it right? Woohoo! There's already some trashtalk going on over at St. Scobie's Mock Brackets. In addition to several apathetified participants, we have one who is In It To Win It (tm), and she's taking the former professional fantasy sports maven* head on. Quite a match-up. Almost as good as the Terps vs. Gators game we all anticipate. I look forward to kicking all y'all's butts. See ya.

*No joke, Winning Brackets haha built a small empire on her Fantasy Football winnings, while she was a day trader. Never bet her in anything, and never bet against her in charades.

W'sup.

The brackets close tomorrow, peeps, and the shittalk is already flying. You do not want to miss this Community Event. I may make up Smile Rockridge! T-shirts to give out as prizes. They'll say 94618 on the back. They'll be hott.

We Work for You

As you can imagine, while "labor humor" is not exactly an oxymoron, it's close, but I got this clip today, and it made me chuckle.



Enjoy.

Lazy Summary

For some reason, I have no original or interesting thoughts to impart this week. But a few things:

First of all, today's the last work day to register for the St. Scobie's Mock Brackets March Madness Extravaganza! Meet your fellow Scobites! Make wildly baseless predictions about a sport which you either don't like or don't care enough about to dislike! Or beat those of us who are making baseless predictions! Brackets can be done starting on Sunday, so I will harp on about this again, but go do it now, so you can be sick of it by next week.

From a source (Chronicle, I think) that I don't feel like finding a link to, about a favorite topic of mine:

One law enforcement source told us, "The San Francisco guys were saying, 'Don't mess with us, we're 415' -- and the Yalies were saying, 'Yeah, well, we're 212.'
"All of them trying to act like they were from the hood,'' the source said. "Heck, the only hood any of these guys had ever seen was the hood of a Mercedes-Benz."

Heh heh. B asks: "Is there a lamer area code than 415?" Probably 650 or 778, but you know what he means.

Curt Schilling started a blog.

But for some really good reading this week, check out Rangelife.

Thank God.

Acapella singers can sleep soundly again, now that these two have been charged. Of course, the San Quentin Singers now have something to fear. Soon, they'll be buying smokes from Scooter Libby and sharpening their lacrosse sticks into shivs. Watch out, prison, here they come.

What's Up With Me.

Not much really. I discovered LibraryThing today (via the NY Times) and its a very satisfying hobby, even if it lasts only until I reach the "free" limit.

Also today, I read the best court order ever, at least until the brouhaha over Anna Nicole settles:

“Petitioner shall pay child support in the sum of $75.00 per month per child. In addition, Petitioner shall supply to Respondent all beef, cut and packaged, reasonably required for consumption by the two children.”

Excellent.

Best Headline of The Day

Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein

First! Ever! Community! Event!

St. Scobie's Mock Whiskey is proud and excited to host its first ever community event. And since it's March, you know what time it is. That's right. Madness. March Madness. Join St. Scobie's Mock Brackets today. If the link doesn't get you there, shoot me an email and I will hook you up with an invite. The password is fakenose. This is the fantasy league for those who (a) hate sports; (b) hate basketball; (c) lack hand-eye coordination; and/or (d) believe that the economics of college basketball are cruel and exploitative. We feel your secret shame.

More of What You Want, Part II

If you feel the need to get really creeped out right now, watch just a few minutes of this video. Scary mime!! With Enya-like music! It's truly terrifying.

What else? This morning I overheard my 3-year old engaged in this brief dialogue with himself, while playing with his airplanes on the aircraft carrier Grandpa made for him.

Airplane 1: How was your mission?
Airplane 2: I will burp on you.
(Airplane 1 flies away and then back)
Airplane 1: That was a good mission.
Airplane 2: I fart on you.

Finally, good news for fans of The Wire (read the comments too) and Penthouse. Mmmm, good.

Just a Lot Going On

First of all, apologies for my failure to Live Blog (tm) the Oscars. There was just too much going on in our house. My mom's visiting, and she couldn't decide between the Versace and vintage Chanel. She can be really tetchy that way.

Just to get back on the BPN tip, here's one from the Advice Wanted:

Finding a santeria house-------Hi, this is for all the santeros/santeras out there. I know, it's kind of an odd posting, but I need help. I've been somewhat involved with the religion for a few years, and I feel that I REALLY need to move forward with the process, but how do I know who's and where's the right place for me? People just say, ''you'll know'', but I DON'T know. I'd like to connect with some people that went thru this process, and who'll be willing to talk to me and tell me what it was like for them. If any one out there has the time and is willing please send me an email. Thanks. Child of Obatala

And in a possibly related note, I heard a Taco Bell ad on the radio today that was so inexplicable, I cannot even piece together meaning. It involved a carne asada taquito arguing with a woman who was running a spelling bee about whether he could enter the spelling bee. WTF? Fred Kovey was off his rocker on that one, to be sure. I worried that possibly I had gotten accidentally high somehow before getting in the car.

The famous Kate Costello was so inspired by my last post that she created a sculpture of Angela Davis. Dig it.

Hmmm. Anything else? Not really. Send me cool things.